Declan's birthday started very well. I was really tired from staying up late stenciling bags for the blankets we donated, but I was excited for the day.
I had a big breakfast with my kids and then we got ready for the day.
I collected all the bags and put them on the couch. I was overwhelmed at the number...21! That was over double what I was planning for his birthday! Thank you to everyone who made that possible!
I plopped my kids in the middle of the bags and took a picture and video of it. They wished Declan a happy birthday as they were surrounded by the bags of blankets...
We loaded them up and took them to the hospital. As Christian pulled into the parking lot I started to get nervous...could I truly waltz into this building where my baby died? It has been 6 months since I went there and I was very nervous.
We loaded up our arms with the bags of blankets and started to walk into the building. It seemed to last forever to get to the building and then through the doors.
When we finally got inside we made our way to the elevators. Going up to the second floor we stepped out and went to labor and delivery. We were greeted quickly and found the person to give the blankets. The office happens to be right next to the nursery and I tried not to look and even outloud said, "Don't look, don't look, don't look..." But I did. I glanced inside seeing a tiny infant in her bassinet in only a diaper. I looked away quickly and Bryce exclaimed, "Look at the baby."
"Yeah," I said distracted. "She's cute."
We placed the bags inside the office and I left them...hoping they reach those who would best benefit from them. Hoping that the woman who receive these know how much I care for them though I don't know them. Hoping that they feel comfort from hugging these blankets that I lovingly washed in baby scented detergent and tenderly hugged before putting them in their bags.
As we left we took the elevator down and I opened my purse and had forgotten to give the outfit I had meant to donate. We went back up and she was still in the hall.
I told her that we had taken an outfit from the box they have full of baby clothes for people just like us. I wanted to replace the one we took with one that was supposed to be his. I tearfully handed off the outfit and hugged her one last time before hurrying down to the elevator.
As I walked outside I pictured the broken Christy sitting in her wheelchair waiting empty-handed for Christian to pull up the car. It felt very different to be walking out not aching in every way a person can. How different that day was from yesterday. If only I could put my arms around that Christy and tell her that it was going to get better. But I was facing a heart-wrenching funeral and had no idea how the rest of my life was going to play out after I said goodbye to Declan's tiny body for the last time.
It was a peaceful and good day. We were really blessed. We finished the day with a balloon release. Emmy and begged for purple and pink balloons and then Bryce wanted red and blue...so we got all different colors. It cheered me so much to have three dozen colorful balloons released. Thank you for everyone who did their own...it means a lot!
My sister in college even released one with her roommates...
It has been a crazy year of tears, heartache, joy, hope, peace, frustrations, and at the end of it I am feeling hope that life can continue as we bring Declan's memory with us as we experience the rest of it. He will always be etched into my heart...never to forgotten. Thank you for always being there for us! We are very grateful!