Grumpy pants...

The loudness erupting from their little mouth makes me want to childishly cover my ears and hum.  Tantrums in my house end with a, "grumpy pants," declaration from me.  One time when I had called Bryce, "grumpy pants," he looked at me with a smirk and said, "My pants are not grumpy!"

Since I cam back from my trip I have been...well grumpy.  My kids should start calling me "grumpy pants."

I am trying to decipher the cause...what is bugging me so bad.  Listing off the many possible causes I realized...maybe it was losing another baby in my family.  I'm still unsure why that makes me frustrated.  Maybe I didn't want this to happen to anyone...especially so soon after Declan.  Maybe it reminds me that it possibly could happen to me again.  Or maybe it was the final straw from all the awful events that have happened lately.  Whatever the reason I have been struggling since I got back.

I wasn't mad after Declan.  In fact I was quite surprised that I wasn't.  I just felt peace, love, and wanted to be better.  This time since I'm not in the epicenter of the grief, merely the out lying area, the peace and comfort afforded to the suffering couple isn't touching me like it did with Declan.  Christian brought this to mind last night.

So I am hoping that is the reason.  I don't want to ever be angry with Heavenly Father.  I promised myself after Declan died that if I did get angry at him the comforting spirit is harder to feel.  So I didn't...and it helped me so much to lean on my Savior and now I just need to do it again...only this time I have to seek Him out.

So if I have seemed harsh or frustrated, I apologize.  I am just trying to figure out all this craziness.  My mind and heart are overwhelmed.  I know there are reasons for everything yet my heart is rebelling in pain.

I am hoping that I can overcome this with divine help.