A few years ago I would have told you exactly who Christy was...now I'm not so sure. I've changed, reformed, and been thrown into another life suddenly. I know I like this new Christy quite a lot...not that there were horrible defects of the old one. Yet the new Christy has something inside her the last one didn't...I feel it, yet unsure what it is.
I look at the woman in the mirror and want to ask her, "Now what?! Where do I go from here?" There are so many paths that I want to take and yet I have to pick one. Somewhere down the road they might merge, but I'm supposed to do it in a certain order?
It is inexplicable how much I want a baby in my home. Though many would think this was calloused or unnecessary of me now, it is hard if you haven't had to say goodbye to an infant to understand. I know 8 months doesn't sound long, but when you are missing someone it seems as though 8 years have passed. I want to see it happen again. Hold my precious baby that Christian and I helped create. Show my children that they will be able to play with their own baby and not just watch others enjoy theirs. To have that little piece of Heaven in my home...that I was looking forward to... I know I'm young and it can happen, but does that mean my pain should be ignored because of that? I realize it's hard to see from the outside in but it hurts every time people tell me, "It hasn't been that long." "Oh you have plenty of time to have more." "You need to give your body time to heal." I know people aren't trying to rip my heart out, but I don't need a lecture just empathy.
I really am trying to be patient and wait for the day that Heavenly Father will bless our home with a baby (my brain understands, but heart is struggling to keep up). My overwhelming need to bring a baby here is hard for me to sort through. Even if this isn't the time it's hard...hearing the answer, "No," to something that you want desperately is heart wrenching.
This being one of the many paths ahead of me, it's hard for me to sort through the wants, needs, and what Heavenly Father wants from me. They are all swirling around me and I am just trying to snatch what I can...only I am coming up empty handed and honestly broken hearted.
Lately, I want to send up the surrender flag and beg for mercy...I can't do this anymore. My heart can't take any more fractures. Tonight was one of those nights...nothing went my way and suddenly everything hit me.
After a light workout I was listening to a song and then the words, "you can't give up..." penetrated my thoughts. My mind instantly traveled back to Christian's marathon where he thought he wouldn't finish...but he trudge along and even hobbled across the finish-line...but he finished. Sometimes I forget that I need to finish my race...even if I don't make it the way I want...I need to finish. Jesus Christ can fill in the gaps...which will always be there no matter who crosses that finish-line.I need to push past the hopelessness that I feel weighing me down...and know that I have a little boy that is pleading for me to stand back up when life shoves me down and keep running even when it hurts so much I don't know how I'll continue.
I am constantly learning the same principles over and over. Talking with my mother-in-law she shared with me that we do have to relearn things, even when we think we have mastered them. I really don't like having to do that...but I suppose it is for my own good. It humbles me. It reminds me that I am not perfect and am in need of teaching.
