I was not really thinking much when I tossed them into my purse. The shuffled of everything in and out of the car from the hotel caused my purple one to break. I stared at the shards left of the broken stick...a lump formed in my throat.
"Why are you sad?" Bryce asked me.
"This was special to me. It was on Declan's grave. I wanted to take it home with me." I choked out.
As silly as it sounds, I was quite saddened by my broken pinwheel. Emmy and Bryce assured me we could fix it. I smiled and told them it was okay. It could be replaced.
I suppose grief is very similar to the broken pinwheel. Those around us want to help, soothe, and remove the burden placed on their loved one. But the problem...it can't be fixed. Just as the stick would never be the same, even if we glued it as Bryce informed me, we are forever changed by the absence of someone. That of course doesn't mean that life no longer matters or is from this day on horrible forever...
Knowing first hand that the trial placed in my path will forever impact the rest of my life. Would I have chosen it?...well from this point of view...probably not. But now that is has been handed to me and there's no way around it?...I am strangely grateful for it. I wouldn't be the person I am without Declan in my life. He has been a gift...a wonderful, sweet, yet heart wrenching gift that I honestly would never trade. This was the only way to have him and this way would I do it again to keep him.
Even still I look at those who grieve around me and think, I can't fix this for them. I can't take the pain away...nor would they want me to. It is apart of life...apart of love. To take the sting away would mean they wouldn't care about that loved one...
So I watch, wait, and hope. Just as I am sure many of you have done with me. But it always helps to have a listening ear...which I will freely give if anyone needs it. I worry I am too caught up in my own pain that I don't look around me enough to see that so many are hurting around me.
To all of you...I am grateful for your prayers, love, and listening. I hope I have or one day will returned the favor.
