I reflected on the safe comforting feelings I have received around Christian. Grief hits everyone differently, but I think depending on the gender of the person effects it greatly. Christian has been my sweet protector from scorpions, hurtful words, and now my own grief. I am saddened that people do not acknowledge Christian's pain the way they do mine. I get the hugs and encouraging words while Christian hardly has anyone even seem to notice he's been through something very difficult. In reality Christian has had a harder road. He has had to put his grief aside many times to protect his family from our own grief - to hold us and soothe our aching hearts when his was ripped out just as much ours.
I admire him for his strength. I often feel I might have broken into pieces without his strong protective arms around me. I remember the safe feeling of my bed as a seventeen year old return as I am cuddled in Christian's remarkably warm arms.
Christian's capacity to love is admirable. I am frequently inspired at his ability to care for so many around him. He has been given a gift to be attune to those who cross his path.
The other night I tried very hard not to show how devastated I was. Without uttering a word he turned me around and pulled me into his arms. I bawled like a child. I cried because I was suffering. I cried because I wanted my baby in my arms. I cried because Christian knew all of this without a word from me.
Last night I curled up and hugged my pillow as I thought about Declan's fuzzy baby hair. How I love baby hair. There isn't anything on earth like it. The soft, downy feeling is heavenly. Tears stung my eyes as I thought of my tiny son's blond, baby hair.
I wiped my eyes feeling a peace cover me as a blanket would - keeping me safe. I felt so close to little Declan last night. It was a special gift.
