I am super tired. I have been feeling it for sometime now. But today I woke up and just didn't want to get out of bed. I'm exhausted. I ran yesterday and now every muscle hurts and I'm ready for bed.
I am sad to say that I'm being a grumpy mom. But there have been a few things the kids have done to snap me out of my mood. Bryce came up to me and put his head on my shoulder. He didn't say anything, just laid his head quietly. Emmy came up to me and said, "Sigh (Skye our dog) is sad, Mommy!" I don't know where she gets these things.
Usually when I start feeling this way a huge storm is brewing. I am worried about how big this storm is going to be. I had a chat with a friend and we were talking about this very problem. She lost her dad right before I lost Declan. I told her that my grandma talked about grief like waves. At first the waves crash over you more frequently but with time there is more space between each wave. My friend and I decided that some of those waves are just small little ones - very manageable. Some of the waves, however, are huge tidal waves that crash over you and spin you around so fast you don't know which way is up. The wave leaves you devastated and needing soothing from our Heavenly Father. My friend also pointed out that before a tidal wave the water recedes which gives people a short warning. I feel that days before I am going to have a huge tidal wave that I can feel the receding water. I try to brace for impact, but I always get knocked over.
My friend and I have wondered what would be helpful at those moments. So far riding them out is the only solution we have. I am hoping this wave coming isn't a tidal wave. I am holding on tight and praying I have the strength to survive another.
Emmy just crawled up on my lap. I love her cute fuzzy curls that tickle my face as she leans her head against my neck.
During my tidal waves I have been blessed to usually have them at night when my kids are asleep. It scares them to see me crying that way. I do feel that though this is extremely difficult that Heavenly Father is aware of how I can successfully get through. He has placed me in the path with other mourning people and especially other angel baby moms - which I can see is divinely inspired.
