I haven't written in this blog for sometime now - partly because I am expecting my third baby and partly because I have been frustrated and bugged for the last four to five months.
I would like to say that life has been blissful since I found out that we are having another baby...but that would be a lie. I have struggled more in the last four months than I have in probably my whole life.
I know that it is ungrateful of me to have such a hard time having kids. I know so many people who want a baby so bad and here I whine about how hard it is. I have been feeling guilty every day for struggling so hard. But at the end of the day I have to realize that what is hard for some may not be for others.
I see these women who are so happy and energetic when they are expecting. They have an extra bounce in their step and seem to carry their burden very lightly. I sometimes wonder if I missed the memo on how to enjoy being pregnant.
I have thought a lot about why I find it so hard. Reaching inwardly I try to dig to the source of the problem and lo and behold I found it...depression.
It seems ironic when something so wonderful happens to me can make me fall into the pity of utter despair. I look back on all my pregnancies and I think that big ugly presences was there each time...robbing me of my joy.
I'd take throwing up, diabetes, back aches, and anything else that has happened to me during my pregnancies time and time again if I could just be me. Somewhere I lose Christy along the way and by the time I see my baby for the first time I am relieved I survived. Survived?! Who just wants to survive?
I intend to ditch this wretched creature that hovers over me and keeps me from seeing anything but a black hole in front of me. No matter what it takes! Then maybe, just maybe I won't be plagued with post partum too.
My biggest regret is that I shut out everyone...including my Heavenly Father. After 28 years of life you'd think I could have more faith that I have not been forsaken...but sadly I still struggle with it. When will I learn? Hopefully now.
