Most of my life I have had the attitude that "I will be happy..." That is something that I have noticed to be extremely disappointing. That day never will come! I have a hard time seeing the big picture when I struggle. I want things to fix NOW.
Enduring well is something that evades me most times. It is only after the trial I look back and think, "I could have done better."
Right now I have been struggling with depression. It is not something I like to tell people, nor is it something I like to admit even to myself. After every child I have had things seem fine. I am so excited not to be pregnant anymore, my diabetes is gone, and I have this new beautiful baby. Then around five or six months everything comes crashing down.
It is hard for me to get out of bed, get dressed, and even function as a human being. It is in these moments I rely so much on my Heavenly Father -- without which I would probably curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and never leave.
I have had anxiety since I was a child. I never knew it until I got married and realized that not everyone reacts that way to problems. I had such bad social anxiety that it really kept me from doing very much. As I have gotten older and realized what is going on I can control it for the most part.
However when I have a baby this come back full force. After my first child I could not even speak to my own family without having a panic attack -- and worse when I had to speak to my in-laws. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I should have noticed there was something wrong. But being the eternal denial expert I told myself I was fine -- just a little stressed.
Then I had my next baby and I thought, "I've got this. I'll be okay." I was and even better than okay. Then we moved and I hit the five/six month mark and again I felt it come back with vengeance.
This time however hard it has been I have been better. I recognize when I am struggling and I go work out or give myself some time alone to breathe. I also have been praying for strength that I will be able to still be a good mom through this trial in my life.
I have been trying not to wish away this first year of my sweet baby's life. But around their first birthday is when I feel like I step out into the sun and a huge forty ton weight has been lifted off of me. I am just grateful that I have my Heavenly Father to help me through things that even my sweet husband does not fully understand. (Not to say Christian has not been helpful, because he has!)
As I near the first birthday of my second baby the thought keeps plaguing me, "Do we have more children?" "Do I dare put my family through that again?" It was only with Heavenly Father we all survived the last baby. I love my children and I would have five or six if it was not such a strain on everyone!
The first trimester and some of the second is when I am super sick. So I am the grumpiest person ever. Then we move into diabetes time during my third trimester. The chance of a stillborn is much higher and that completely frightens me. Plus the added worry of the diabetes could stay and not go away once I have the baby. Then I get so sick right before I have the baby because my diabetes gets out of control even if I am careful. All in all I am thrilled to be over pregnancy even though there are moments I feel so close to Heaven when I am. I love feeling that close to my children. It is the only reason I keep sane through the hospital stays, poking my finger every meal, and just all around miserable times.
I felt after I had my last baby we were not done -- to the panic of my husband. He loves having kids, but again worries about what it does to me and our little family. My poor oldest has been through a lot with mommy being sick, grumpy, and everything else.
I leave it in the hands of the Lord and hope that I can endure well whatever he has in store for me. For he knows much better what I am able to do. I have two children and I never thought I would be able to go through pregnancy and deliver them -- I was obviously wrong. He knows my strengths and I hope that I will have the faith to follow the promptings I am given.
