(I wrote this several years ago. I didn't publish it because it was extremely personal and a way to vent. But I thought it was time to share.)
Shame.
I had not thought much about this specific word until the last few years. After I went through the chaos of learning about my cancer gene my sister gave me a book by Brene Brown, "The Gifts of Imperfections..." She wrote about mainly shame in the book and it was then I realized how much of what I was feeling was shame.
I had made a choice about my gene and I felt shamed for it. It had hurt so bad and I could not put my finger on why until I read the book. I literally exclaimed out loud, "Thank you!" as I read it. Shame! Duh! I was reacting to the shame that was gnawing at me like a poisonous snake.
I had felt shame after my husband lost his job and we were stuck in my in-laws basement. It was shame that had made it much harder than even losing Declan.
I felt shame the way people treated me like a second class citizen because my family lived in the basement and our monetary worth was not substantial.
I felt shame I gained weight and couldn't seem to stop eating.
I felt shame nothing worked out when we tried to fix our situation.
I felt shame when people made snap judgments on my choices as if the pain I was feeling did not matter.
I felt shame when treated as if I didn't have a clue or anything to offer because of my station in life.
I realized all this shame was crushing me. It was the most painful experience of my life. It robbed me of my worth. I didn't even feel human anymore. I was nothing and would be nothing forever.
It was as though the light finally shined down on me and showed me what was happening.
Shame.
It was the a-ha moment I had needed.
Little by little I have chiseled away at the ten ton stone crushing me. I started small. My choice about the gene. I would no longer feel apologetic for my choice. I would no longer feel the anxiety worrying someone would think I was making a mistake. I would own my choice and ignore anyone else's opinion. (It was my life not their's.)
Once I finally made peace with this choice (which honestly took a REALLY long time) I moved on to my living situation. I no longer cared what people thought. Who cares where I lived and why?! If people wanted to worry or care about it...well...go for it. I was no longer going to feel I had to apologize for struggling in life. I also wasn't going to try to get people to understand: just because something bad happened to Christian and I, doesn't mean we made the wrong choice. Bad things happen that are unfair all the time to people that did nothing to deserve it. I felt I finally was free because I knew that and if people didn't get that...well that is their own problem.
The next step was the shame I felt for myself. I had to stop judging myself. I had to be nice to myself. I couldn't keep punishing myself for everything bad that had happened. None of this was my fault. I didn't ask for Christian to lose his job and quite frankly neither did he. I didn't ask for a cancer gene. I didn't ask for a financial crisis that landed me in my in-laws basement for years. I didn't ask for all the stress that resulted in physical pain that broke my body and mind.
It was okay I had gained weight. It was okay that I had felt beat up...life has a way of doing that sometimes.
I had to basically start over. I had rebuild myself. I felt nothing was left after the ravaging shame was done with me. I was unrecognizable. It was almost as if the old Christy had died. She didn't survive the shame attack.
After digging in the rubble of my shattered worth and life I discovered the pieces I wanted and liked about myself. I started to piece myself together. It was so slow and painful. However, as I started to pick up speed I realized it was nice to see who I had become after the pain started to disappear.
Forgiveness was next. I had to forgive those who just didn't get it. I had to begin to forgive those that made my journey harder. I had to forgive those who threw fuel onto the shame fire already burning. I also had to forgive myself. I still have to work at fully forgiving and it isn't easy, but I know how freeing it is to forgive and not hold onto the pain.
I am finding the peace I have craved. It is okay that not everyone understands me or my life. It is okay that not everyone likes me. It's okay that some people think they know what is best for me...and it isn't the choices I have made. It's okay that I will never make everyone happy. It's okay that people misunderstand me often.
I know who I am now, for I had to rebuild her from the ruins and I know each and every piece intimately.
I know that nothing is a guarantee. I know that some times 1+1 doesn't always = 2. Sometimes the easy answers or obvious ones don't happen. I understand that people are the most important part of being here. All this nonsense we all squabble about and try to impress each other with is just...nothing. It is a waste of time and I am frankly sick of it. I know I will never treat someone according to their monetary status for it does not equate to anything meaningful.
I hope to never let shame take over my life the way it has. I should never have felt an explanation was necessary for anything that happened the last 6 years.
I am strangely grateful for all of this. I learned a valuable lesson that I really quite honestly didn't want to learn. Now that I have though...I am truly grateful. I will never be the same person I would have been if I had gotten everything I had wanted. I appreciate things much more. I understand empathy intimately...both giving and receiving. I will be forever changed for those who have extended their empathy and validation to me. I felt really alone for many years. But in the last year or so I have been sent so many that have reached out and they will never know how much that has meant to me. They have taught me how much a word or just taking the time to listen can change everything for someone.
I don't know all the reasons why all this happened. I may never know. I do know though...I am better for it. I will take these beautifully painful lessons with me throughout the rest of my life. I knew there was a plan in this and it was being orchestrated by a wise Father, but I did not want to cooperate or except it. I didn't want any of this. I just wanted my life back. I wanted my freedom. I wanted my self respect back. The only way I could see of getting it was to get my freedom. I did not see another way. I was wrong and right. I stumbled along until I let Him find me. He fought for me in a way I didn't understand. I didn't see the wreckage was a way to the freedom I sought.
I have heard in many competitive shows the statement, "All we require is everything you have." It seems life requires the same. It has taken everything from me. Sometimes it gives nothing back. Sometimes it gives you more than you deserve. Sometimes it gives and takes at the same time.
