Nervousness does not even begin to describe how I felt about my impending c-section. I was in complete panic! My mind wandered to the subject often. How would I be awake while they cut me open?!
I cringe at the thought even now.
As I approached the OR, walking this time not being wheeled frantically, I felt my body quake with fear.
I sat on the tiny bed and listened to the anesthesiologist instruct me. Christian's hand turning white as I clutched as hard as I could. Tears streaming down my face as I silently bit my lip.
My body began to go numb and I was laid down. I stared up at the white ceiling as the tears continued. Christian assured me everything was going to be okay. I tried to believe him.
My tears were wiped several times by Christian as they began. It felt as though a lifetime passed before I heard the beautiful noise of my fourth baby cry.
It was amazing!
I never cried when my other children were born. I just felt peace and love. This time my tears increased as I heard the soft newborn cry I had hoped for all these many months.
Christian left my side to take video and photos of our new son. I longed for him back. The time stood still as I prayed the finish would be soon.
Finally they brought him to me. His beautiful pink, soft skin peeking out of the hospital blanket and hat. He tried to pry his little eyes open, but he could only keep them open briefly.
I kissed his lovely cheek and gratitude filled my heart. He was here! He was safe!
All the waiting and worrying vanished in one moment. I couldn't believe I survived it.
As we packed him up and left the hospital I couldn't help thinking of the broken mom who had been wheeled out holding a box and blanket. Her shattered heart throbbed painfully in her chest. She was leaving without her beloved baby. Her poor body felt battered and beaten. This time, I stepped out of the hospital, no wheelchair, but with my little son lovingly carried by Christian.
I will never express the gratitude for all the prayers and thoughts for our little family. We felt those prayers. We are so grateful for our little son and thank Heavenly Father every day that we could have him come home with us.
Declan is not far from our thoughts. I hold his little brother close and think of him often.