I have thought often of my last Christmas the last few weeks. I am very grateful that I am not there...heart stabbing pain each time I thought of Christmas morning.
I am so excited this year. It is such a different place than last Christmas. I honestly was hoping it was fast and as painless as possible...but it wasn't. The anticipation of the day was exhausting.
My mind could not wrap around Declan's absence on such a wonderful and magical morning. I was supposed to hold and cuddle him as we watched Emmy and Bryce open presents. I was supposed to hand him off when I made breakfast to Christian. We were all supposed to gather around him as we helped him open his gifts.
I didn't want to have Christmas unless it was how I pictured...which was impossible. So last year I remember sitting in the rocking chair, that I got to cuddle and rock Declan to sleep, and watched my kids open their gifts as my arms felt so empty.
It ended up not being quite as bad as I had anticipated...but when it was all over I remember thinking..."Finally!"
This year the magic and fun has returned. To be honest I didn't expect that. I thought it would kill me for the next five years.
I miss Declan terribly, but I also am very grateful for the two sweet children I get to cuddle with and love here. I have been more absent than I wanted to be from them...I just want them to have a good life and not feel that the day Declan died...I did too.
As I decorated my tree this year I hung Declan's ornament, a picture of him in a frame that says 2010, and felt such hope and peace as I did. I pulled out all my ornaments that my grandma has given me since my very first Christmas. As I placed them I remembered hanging them with my sisters when we were little. My grandma has continued the tradition with all of her great grandchildren and so I put up Bryce and Emmy's ornaments on my tree.
I am hopeful this Christmas is much better than the last one.
