So as Declan's first year is coming to a close I keep thinking...this has got to get worse right? Something is going to set me off and I'm going to struggle, right?
It's not that I don't get sad or I'm not thinking about Declan...it's just starting to feel as though the burden of missing Declan is being lifted.
I'm sure I will still have bad days...but I'm hoping this overriding feeling is there the majority of the time. I've had weeks of not feeling good...and I don't want that anymore. It keeps me from enjoying the life that my Heavenly Father gave to me as a gift...not something to get through and hope I survive.
It is upsetting that I am unnerved that I'm okay. When did that happen? I suppose when I awoke from my C-Section.
The other night some loved ones called and I knew why they were calling...they were pregnant again. When Christian got off the phone he looked at me and asked, "How did you know?"
I don't know how I did...I just did. I expected this huge concussion to take over me and I would fall into sobs...but instead I laid in bed and felt peace overwhelm me. I have never felt peace such as that in my life. Even when I was helped after Declan I was still sad and struggling. This peace engulfed me...telling me that everything was going to be just fine and I didn't just know it in the back of my mind...I felt it.
It should have been much more difficult...but even know as I type this the peace is still floating around me...I am okay.
I've been surprised this whole week that I have kept that peace. I can't ever express how grateful I have been for peace, hope, and enduring love. I am starting to feel resolution and hope for my future and the future of my family.
| This was my last picture taken pregnant with Declan. My sweet friend Jaime emailed it to me recently |