I have no idea.
I think I'm okay for now. Today, hopefully is a good day. Who knows why. It started out to be a quite disastrous day, but somehow hope sprang from the desolate.
I have been thinking a lot about my purpose in life. What am I here to do? What would Heavenly Father have me do? I have been swirling around this crazy place for a year now...as if I'm in a snow globe and every three seconds I'm being shaken...spinning me to the point I don't even know which way I supposed to be.
Where do I land? Where should I land?
I know being a wife and mother are two of the things I am supposed to do. Even knowing that, I have wondered how I can improve and become better in these areas. I love my hubby and my kids so much, but I sometimes worry my silliness gets in the way of loving them to my fullest capacity.
So what to do about it? I know forgetting myself and releasing all of these balls juggling in the air that I don't even need to keep catching is one of my problems. Letting go...
It seems so easy. "Just let it go..."
It isn't.
I have so many things to "let go" of...and though I've been on this path before it is as if I have just taken my first step.
Take a deep breath...look at the road, knowing it won't be easy, and then spring forward with determination.
Christian and I decided to reduce stress...how in the world do we do that?! Both of us have felt like we might explode from stress, so I thought to myself, asked many people and concluded no one knows...
Then I realized something...which seems very elementary, but still helpful...what is stressing me out? So I went to work finding out. Christian and I cut strips of paper, gave stacks to each of us and wrote down everything that we were stressed about: from the dog to missing Declan.
My last thing I wrote was: "I feel like I have no control over anything in my life."
After we spread all the slips of paper that covered our dinning room table I looked at our stress horrified...no wonder!
We had two baskets one was for things we couldn't change and things we could. We started to sort. Soon all that was left were two of mine... "Missing Declan" and " I feel like I have no control over anything in my life."
I placed Declan's inside a basket and then realized that everything boiled down to the last slip of paper...the one that I had written last.
I know I'm a control freak...always looking to find ways to have a "handle" on everything around me. It doesn't work.
I think deep down I am so hurt that nothing I do can change some of the most important events of my life. All my hard work and sacrifice for Declan...didn't keep him here. All my heart and love wanting another child...isn't making it happen. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Yesterday Bryce shared with me that he gets scared that babies will die now. He talked about sometimes people get medicine, but still die...like my grandpa who just died of cancer. I told him that was true. We can hope, give people the best medical care, but if Heavenly Father is ready to have them home, they aren't meant to be saved.
That, I think, is hardest thing for me. I know Declan wasn't meant to be here. But some days I look at all the little miracles that enter this world and think, "Why not Declan?"
"Letting go..."
I have thought for weeks now how I can "let go" of things I cannot control. Each day something horrific can happen, but if I let it I can worry away my life. I can't wrap my family in bubble wrap and keep them from every possible harmful thing in this life...it's impossible.
I hope as Declan's birthday approaches I can find that peace that I can let go of all those things I couldn't control...the biggest of all Declan living.
I pray that I can succeed. That one day I will know that I accepted the trials handed to me and kept moving forward...and "letting go" of my need to control every situation...and even say, "Thy will be done."