"Breathe, Christy, just breathe!" I told myself.
The dark frightened me and I just wanted to be home...curled up with my kids. My determination to finish running waned.
In my pocket was a piece of paper...pen scribbles that I was told by my five year old to make me run fast. My birthday present was wrapped within this "magic" paper. I folded it and placed it into my pocket before my run.
As I trailed both my friends, my thoughts went back to Bryce telling me, "It will help you to keep up with Macie's mommy."
I had laughed and told him, "Well good, I definitely need help keeping up with Macie's mommy."
My body screamed in pain at me...why was I even running? Not hours before I had whined to Christian about the point of running had become lost on me. Now I was in agony, for what purpose?
I briefly closed my eyes and said a prayer. I just needed to finish.
The space between Macie's mom and I, was a good distance. We were nearing the end...of pain.
As if I had someone behind me pushing me I was rocketed forward. I had nothing left. I was tired, worn out from a trying and emotional day. The strength was not my own.
I closed the distance and as I rounded the final turn we were within stride of each other. I almost let the tears threatening to burst forth, do so...but somehow choked them down.
When I finished my shins were on fire. But so was my heart. I had finished running. I had felt a little voice from somewhere tell me, "Please don't give up!"
I know it seems simple...just a run. But lately I have struggled with wanting to throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough! I'm done! Please, can I just be done?!"
I know that Declan is on the other side telling me, "Please, don't give up Mom!"
Giving up is easier...living is much, oh so much, harder. If I had just walked, my legs would have been happy, I would have not had to hurt so much, but I would have known I had not gone as far as I knew I could.
In my life, I could just stop trying...just live out the rest of my life in whatever way would be easiest. Pushing everything and everyone away so I don't have to feel...hurt, struggle in public...but then I would look back and know, "I could have gone further, better, stronger."
No regrets...
...that my hope...
...to look back on my life and think, "I may have made mistakes, but I did the best that I knew how...and gave it my whole heart."
My birthday was split into two parts, the great and fun part...then the despair and sad part. Part one was all Christian...part two all me.
My heart hurts...and I wish I could turn off holidays...but that is just ridiculous. I can't stop living...though I sometimes want to just pretend for a while that nothing matters.
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| My 28th birthday pregnant with Declan |
I quite dislike when hope evaporates from me. I want to snatch it back, but all that left is just empty hands and a crippled heart.
My life must start again...
...but when is the key.
I had a wonderful talk with my Grandmother yesterday. She having lost a son herself, talked about how hard all the "firsts" are once you've lost someone. This being my "first" Mother's Day and "first" birthday since losing Declan I have to admit it was harder than I thought. I was doing fine Saturday, but Sunday came and kicked me in the stomach and I haven't recouped since.
"They sneak up on you." My sweet Grandma told me.
And they do!!
I'm looking forward to Memorial Day...it's not supposed to be a joyous time to party...so I can reflect and think the way I feel guilty doing on a fun holiday or birthday.
Though I am down I know that I can press forward and listen to the voice in my heart, "Please, don't give up!"
