I loved being married - I was surprised how much. Then two years after we were married I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. My first reaction was, "How can I do this?!" I had admitted to myself before that I would have children eventually. But I was unsure I was mature, selfless, and just ready in general for that HUGE responsibility. I panicked. I questioned myself and doubted that I could handle it.
I was so sick with that pregnancy. I remember laying in bed crying because I didn't know how I would survive another day of misery. Then I felt my baby kick the first time and it was so strange to think of the little life within me. I felt comforted. Through all the hardship of being sick I felt such a sweet spirit around me. I was so attached to the little one I had not yet met. I started wondering maybe I had the ability to be nurturing.
Then he came. A blue eyed, blond haired little boy. He was perfect! He didn't even look like a newborn. He was amazing. I remember sitting in the hospital feeling like I had been dropped out of an airplane several hundred feet in the air but curled up with my tiny son in my arms and feeling at peace. I felt so much comfort with him near me.
I would love to say his first year of life was blissful. Unfortunately I had post partum so bad that I feel now I missed out on a whole year of his little life. I regret it more than I will ever express. Though I know it was not my fault I had post partum I didn't do anything to help myself either.
Through the last four years I have been amazed at being a mother. I marvel at Heavenly Father's beautiful gift of having children. How much I would've missed out on if I had let myself believe that I was not cut out at nurturing children.
I know I will always be able to look at myself and think, "I could handle that better." But overall I love being a mom. There isn't anything I rather be doing. I couldn't imagine my life without my two sweet children.
I am in awe how close to the spirit my children are. Especially my son. He is always asking questions and telling me, "Jesus loves you Mommy." I am always learning from him. As we kneel and pray each night with him he always includes a huge of list of people he prays for, without prompting. He shows me each day how to be a better person. How grateful I am to my Heavenly Father who entrusted my two children to me. He had more faith in me than I had in myself.
