Everlasting Families

L-O-V-E

2012-02-15T08:33:00.000-08:00

As I drove to drop off Bryce today I was amazed how quickly yesterday's festivities fade. The pizza delivery car that had previously sported pink lights and covered in red and pink hearts was back to its usual self. Little shows of the excitement of the previous day except for a few candy wrappers, sprinkles, and the occasional valentine left on the sidewalk.

How quickly the normal days return. We all get excited for holidays and when they are over...*sigh*.

Yesterday I started a new tradition, starting from my sister's friend. I got a cute foam mailbox and had everyone slide their love notes to each other for a few days before V-day. Last night I make chocolate cupcakes (whole wheat of course) and sat around the table as we cracked open the mailbox.

Every time Emmy received a valentine she gasped, "Oh! Thank you mommy! That was sooo sweet of you!"

As I watched my Valentines look at their hearts and notes I had written to them and they had written to each other my eyes fell to the two left...for Declan.

Bryce had decided a few days ago that he wanted to write Declan a valentine. I hadn't even thought of that myself. I let him write one. Then as I was getting out the Valentines I saw in Christian's writing: I love Declan. Tears stung my eyes.

I told Bryce we could send Declan's valentines on a balloon...but I haven't done it yet.

It's strange how life seems so normal now. I don't fall to pieces anymore. I have long stretches where I don't think about the hole in my heart. I don't look in my backseat and only see the empty seat...I have two that are full!

I didn't expect this. I thought I would always feel what I lost override everything I already have.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would focus on the kids I have now. I would never stop talking of Declan, but it wouldn't consume my life so much that I couldn't function the way I want.

At my baby cousin's funeral I made bracelets for all the kids that read his name and then everyone wanted a Declan one too...like the one that I wore. I made each of my nephews one and my own kids. I also made some for my sisters. My kids didn't like wearing theirs. I got home and found then all over the house. I picked them up and kept them feeling a little sad they wouldn't wear them. The other day I found Bryce's. I showed it to him and he told me he wanted to wear it to school.

It is worn out now from him wearing it so much. In an attempt to take off his sweater in the car the bracelet was pulled off and fell under the seat. Yesterday Emmy exclaimed as she got into the car, "Bryce! I found your Declan bracelet!"

Bryce smiled, "Oh thank you Emma, I was looking for that."

Today is my grandma's birthday...the first since my grandpa died. I hope that it is a good day. Two firsts in two days...a lot for one week. I know now how hard each first is...something I know I wouldn't if Declan were in my arms at this moment.

May our lives be filled with love each day and celebrate it often. Hopefully yesterday was a wonderful day...I enjoyed watching one of my favorite movies...

"Oh, it's nobody's fault but my own! I was looking up... it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there.." (An Affair to Remember)

My heart is with all of you missing your sweetheart or your valentine hasn't met you yet...remember you are loved!

Right where I want to be...

2012-02-06T05:04:00.000-08:00

Bedtime is my least favorite part of the day. Many times I have found myself rushing through as each second ticks off my head screaming, "You're losing time!"

By the time my kids are asleep and I am able to relax for the night I start feeling bad for how crazy bedtime was.

Last night neither of my kids went to bed. Six, seven, even eight o'clock went by and still no one was asleep.

Typically I lose it. My frustration gets the best of me and I bark orders to get into bed.

Last night I didn't.

I calmly told them I would see them in the morning.

Did they go to bed?

No.

Finally, Bryce begged to sleep in my bed. He was struggling to sleep. Worrying is common for him. Last night was a bad night in that regard.

Emmy had napped yesterday, so she was wide awake and not wanting her own bed either.

I let Christian off the hook so he could get some sleep. He found a quiet place away from the craziness.

As I laid in between my kids, they had been unable to stop talking when they were next to each other, I realized that was right where I wanted to be.

Emmy was hiccuping as she nestled right next to my ear. Every thirty seconds I felt a jolt and then *puff* of air from Emmy's little girl nose. Then Bryce was curled up on my other side giggling in the other ear every time Emmy hiccuped.

It was ten thirty, insane and I loved every minute of it!!

We went to Lowe's the other day to look at a few things and as we progressed through the store an elderly couple walked by and caught our eye. They were looking admiringly at Emmy.

Christian and I smiled at them. They smiled back and replied, "Our daughter had hair just like that." Referring to the chaotic mess of golden curls on my sweet Emmy.

We chatted for a minute and then went on our way. A little while later we ran into them again. Christian struck up another conversation with the woman. He asked where their daughter was now. They replied on a mission for our church.

Christian asked for what church and realized they were LDS. It was cute to listen to their daughters adventures in another country where she was serving.

At the end of the conversation Christian asked if it had gone fast. She paused for a second and then said, "You know it did. Enjoy them while they are this little soon she will be off doing her own things and all grown up."

As she left I thought about life once my kids were grown. I'm sure there will be wonderful times ahead. But I know I will miss the time they are tiny and discovering the world.

Someday Emmy won't inform me that she did something, "by her big girl self."

How grateful I am for the two of them. They have been my little light at the end of very difficult days.

I love little reminders from those that have walked our path before us. This time is precious. My dad often reminisces of the time when my sisters and I were young. I can tell those were sweet days for him.

How I wish I could freeze time right here. I love them both right where they are. But each new year I love them even more...so maybe it isn't bad that we must go on and grow up.

Pride and prejudice...

2012-01-26T07:56:00.000-08:00

Every seven years the cells in our bodies are completely different than the last seven years. Likewise, every so often I feel I have self awareness years where I throw out the old Christy and try to start fresh and new...well at least the parts of me I don't like.

Like a beautifully decorated home with valuable antiques so to are we. We collect the beautiful, rid ourselves of the undesirable.

I have taken a hard look in the mirror lately and realized two things:

First, I am a very prideful person. Second, I have deluded myself into thinking I wasn't.

I suppose people who barely know me would probably think, "What?!" But it is true...as sad as it is.

It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize something about yourself that isn't that great. So I took out a huge glass of water and *gulp*. It's rounding my stomach by now.

I had a friend talk about how she often wondered why people couldn't overcome bad habits that she had...and realized that wasn't the right way to look at other people. She inspired me. I need to love everyone and worry less about what they are doing, wearing, and driving.

In church on Sunday I had an epiphany...just because someone wears expensive clothes or lives in an amazing house, doesn't mean that they are doing it to flaunt it. Who is the wrong one? Someone who bitterly watches others have much and think they are showing off...or those who have much and aren't even thinking about it?

I suppose I should have understood this much sooner. I went to a high school many considered snobby. When people find out what high school I attended they looked at me either shocked that I attended or they look at me with slight disgust. What did I do? I was lumped in with the rich kids and people scoffed when I would express that I couldn't afford something. Little did they know I was very blessed, but as much as they thought.

As I've been married money hasn't be plentiful. We struggled through school and made some unwise choices that have made money issues...frustrating. I have often glanced at people with money thinking...ahhh! Why do they have so much and we have nothing?! I honestly wasn't asking to be wealthy...just meet our obligations and maybe a little extra for some fun once in a while.

Lately I have realized that one, it's not their fault they were blessed and two, they may not honestly think much about it.

In the lesson I attended the class came to the conclusion that the intent is what makes pride of money or things...not just having it.

Do I dress so that I can look nice and comfortable or to compete with other girls in the room? Sad to say I have been guilty of that...especially when I felt my looks haven't been up to snuff as I have gained weight.

As a teenager I was super thin. I had friends that would get frustrated with me that I was thin and would tell me I didn't understand. I felt horrible. Now that I'm on the other side of the fence I realized that I feel the same way sometimes. Watching my trim husband take down a huge plate of pasta that a family of 6 could eat...while I eat much smaller portions and can't budge an inch on my weight can be very annoying! But it's not his fault. He runs miles every day and won the genetic lottery when it comes to metabolism.

It was a rude awakening to realize that I was so superficial when I gained weight. I honestly didn't feel better than anyone before. I thought many of my friends that claimed they were "fat" were actually very beautiful...but then hypocritically I was angry when I couldn't lose my baby chub.

I suppose all this rambling as left me with one conclusion...that everyone is trying in their own way. Who are we to decide others intentions? That is why the Lord is our judge...he knows our hearts. We do not. People could do good things for the wrong reasons and the wrong thing with the right reasons...we just never know.

Learning my way...

2012-01-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

I really have wondered if all my thoughts have been sucked out of me...I'm blank.

I haven't really known what to blog about lately. I guess that is a good thing...I'm starting to live again.

I don't need my blog the way I did before...it was one of the only ways I could relieve the pressure building. Now I am not feeling that push to write at least about my struggles.

I suppose that means I should start writing about happy things...

Hmm...

Maybe I'm just one big drama queen and can't express myself in any other way.

Hope that's not it.

I have been pushing myself a lot more lately to do what I want...not just what gets me by.

I went to the movies last week because my kids and I were feeling blue. It was a nice change of pace...instead of grabbing ice cream and feeling sorry for myself.

On the way home today the sky was amazing. I tried to take a picture with my phone but it did not capture the beautiful small rainbow reflecting off a huge gleaming light.

It was a cheerful sight. Bryce even commented about it. I thought to myself as I continued home, "That's much better."

It feels good to have a break sometimes. Grief feels like a full time job...I needed a vacation!

I have really felt the healing start to happen lately as I have tried to find my way. I'm slow...and really frustrated that I'm not progressing better, but I am getting there. I am glad for the baby steps...though they are agony sometimes.

All in all, we're doing better. I actually feel like I can breathe...seriously. My lungs have felt like a ten pound brick had been placed there...not pleasant.

It's a nice change.

My little sweet-sweet...

2012-01-04T12:41:00.000-08:00

As I hugged him his face was contorted trying not to cry. My heart felt the pain as I hugged him one last time.

Emmy called out to her brother..."Bye Bryce!"

He barely choked out the words, "Bye Emma!"

Honestly, it sounds a little dramatic for just the morning routine for dropping Bryce off for school...but after the holidays it was really hard.

Earlier Bryce had told me that he just wanted to stay with Emma and I. I really, really dislike making him go when he says that.

As I left my heart was full and I luckily had only slippers on Emmy so I carried her to the car. She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her head close to mine.

"You are the best mommy ever!" She told me as she usually does. (Not that it's true, but I do love hearing her say that...it makes my day every time!)

I leaned my head on her curls as I made my way back to my car. Tears stinging my eyes I said, "I never knew how much I would need you little one."

She hugged me tighter and said, "Thanks Mommy."

I took her to the car and buckled her inside. I called Christian as he was at work and told him to pray for buddy, he was having a hard time.

I have been so blessed! Both my kids look so much alike...but are so different. The one thing they are both good at though...is being in tune with others feelings...especially mine.

Emmy, as my in-laws put it, warms your heart. She knows just what to say. Her little 3-year old comments are surprisingly sincere and make a deep impression. Who knew that I would feel so loved by the way my 3-year old talked to me? I would like to think it was because of me that she learned that...but sadly it isn't. She honestly was made that way. I call her my sweet-sweet...that's only way to describe her.

Bryce is just a deep pool of understanding and love. He mostly just tells me he loves me, but his timing is amazing. He too loves to compliment...maybe that's why Emmy does it. He loves people so much. He get's frustrated, but overall he has been very patient with such an inexperienced mother...who has the patience of a gnat! All in all, I am very grateful for my Little Sir...he really has been a little man his whole life. He's just like his dad...holding the weight of the world on his small shoulders.

Both my kids leave me better than when they find me...most of the time. I don't know where I would be in this journey without them.

As our little bubble is being stretched, and sometimes I feel broken, my heart tugs on the edges. Only 2 years before my sweet Emmy goes to school. I'm not ready to be alone without my kids...but I have come to terms with the fact that maybe Heavenly Father wants me to do something else for a while. I do have plenty of time to have kids. As much as I wanted all my kids lumped together...it doesn't always workout that way. My sisters that are younger than me are almost 7 and 10 years younger. If there's a four or five year gap that isn't going to be the worst thing ever.

I had made plans that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30. Why? No clue. But as my 30th birthday is only 5 months away...I think it is clear that desire isn't going to happen...once again reminding me that my time isn't the Lord's time...and honestly I'm starting to be okay with that...

Come along way...

2012-01-01T22:13:00.000-08:00

A new year has peeked around the corner and made itself known...2012 is here. I can still remember when I was little, my parents telling me, "You will graduate in 2000." As I child of the 80s I thought, "Crazy people that's forever away!"

That was 12 years ago!!

Collectively my life is blazing fast. There are those moments that I remember feeling I was at a standstill. This last year has pretty much felt that way to me. I felt I was jogging along, maybe not with the vigor and excitement I should have and someone opened their car door and suddenly I was slamming into the concrete, staring up at the sky thinking, "How did I get here?!"

Nothing is worse than feeling stagnant...at least to me. I want to live, love, breath fresh air, and feel accomplishment (even if no one knows or cares about it).

That is not how I would describe the last year collectively.

I have spent many nights thinking where I want to go and what I want to become. I haven't even reached my 30s and all the gusto of life was squished out of me. I refuse to go down without a fight!

As I thought about the last year and where I want to be next year it occurred to me, maybe when I was being knocked backward I had actually taken more steps forward than I realized.

Maybe, just maybe...I was getting somewhere.

The girl who sobbed in the hospital that awful day...isn't here any longer. She was calmed, loved, and soothed.

Lately when I feel life is pushing down on me so hard I can't breathe...it is hard to determine if I miss Declan so all things are difficult or if the difficulty of life makes me miss him more. I am leaning toward the latter. Though I know that Declan would not make my trials and struggles better, I miss him when my world crumbles around me.

A new year reminds me that new beginnings are always there waiting to present themselves. These last few months I have been laying the foundation of the goals I want to achieve. I usually write down a list of things I want each year and then by January 15th I have completely forgotten them.

This year is really different. It is hard to explain why, but it is. Maybe it is because it is a childhood dream of mine. Maybe it is because it means too much to me. Maybe it even is because Christian is cheering me on. Or honestly, maybe I have actually lost my mind and I'm crazy now! Either way, I think I am ready.

I made two goals...some may say two huge and crazy goals. But I feel like I can do them. I'll let you know when, not if, I complete them. :) I hope you all had a wonderful New Years! I hope 2012 is your best year yet! I certainly am hoping for it myself. :) I suppose it is all my choosing whether I love it or hate it.

Good luck with your goals as well!!

Happy tears...

2011-12-21T13:11:00.000-08:00

I watched this video a couple of times. Each time I cry. It is such a simple little video, but it touches my heart. This is what Christmas does to people and what I love about it...

I love this time of year!

A gift to the world...

2011-12-18T18:15:00.000-08:00

Our church put together a few videos of the birth of Jesus Christ. They are breath-taking and have captured the story; making it much more personal to read now.

There are several videos and you want to watch them all click here.

I might post more later. But this video is special to my heart. I don't know if it is because Elizabeth and Mary are both expecting precious gifts...or just the way Mary and Elizabeth speak to one another, but here it is...

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did! Merry Christmas everyone!

Much better...

2011-12-13T07:38:00.000-08:00

I have thought often of my last Christmas the last few weeks. I am very grateful that I am not there...heart stabbing pain each time I thought of Christmas morning.

I am so excited this year. It is such a different place than last Christmas. I honestly was hoping it was fast and as painless as possible...but it wasn't. The anticipation of the day was exhausting.

My mind could not wrap around Declan's absence on such a wonderful and magical morning. I was supposed to hold and cuddle him as we watched Emmy and Bryce open presents. I was supposed to hand him off when I made breakfast to Christian. We were all supposed to gather around him as we helped him open his gifts.

I didn't want to have Christmas unless it was how I pictured...which was impossible. So last year I remember sitting in the rocking chair, that I got to cuddle and rock Declan to sleep, and watched my kids open their gifts as my arms felt so empty.

It ended up not being quite as bad as I had anticipated...but when it was all over I remember thinking..."Finally!"

This year the magic and fun has returned. To be honest I didn't expect that. I thought it would kill me for the next five years.

I miss Declan terribly, but I also am very grateful for the two sweet children I get to cuddle with and love here. I have been more absent than I wanted to be from them...I just want them to have a good life and not feel that the day Declan died...I did too.

As I decorated my tree this year I hung Declan's ornament, a picture of him in a frame that says 2010, and felt such hope and peace as I did. I pulled out all my ornaments that my grandma has given me since my very first Christmas. As I placed them I remembered hanging them with my sisters when we were little. My grandma has continued the tradition with all of her great grandchildren and so I put up Bryce and Emmy's ornaments on my tree.

I am hopeful this Christmas is much better than the last one.

Finding Hope...

2011-12-03T21:43:00.001-08:00

On Declan's birthday we received heart-felt flowers, cards, and gifts. Among those was a book that I received from two of my friends...Finding Hope by Michael Wilcox.

I had read the first chapter or two and then placed it on my dresser where it was buried with loads of things that I am yet to put away.

I rediscovered it as I had been searching for something else on a particularly hard day. I read a few chapters and then Christian invited me along with him somewhere. I hopped in the car toting my book.

I tearfully shared the stories that touched my heart...one in particular named, "We were four."

An antarctic explorer by the name of Sir Ernest Shackleton became trapped in ice on their ship, the Endurance. Four months they were stuck there during the Antarctic winter with no sun for months. The ice eventually crushed the ship leaving them stranded on ice floes for months. As they began to melt they left the ice for three small lifeboats where they finally landed on Elephant Island. The island was far from any rescue so Shackleton knew they must leave the island and head to South George Island where whaling ships frequented. In a 22-foot boat covered with a handmade top, Shackleton and 5 men went 850 miles across the roughest seas (on earth). When they finally reached the island, which was a feat in itself, they landed on the wrong side of the island. So they had to trek across the glaciers and high mountains for 36-hours. He was able to successfully keep alive all 28 men who relied on him.

The point of this story, other than it's astonishing account, was that two of the men who accompanied Shackleton said that they had felt there was someone else with them...they could not see.

In my mind I picture the men, who endured so much and probably reached the island thinking, "We made it!" only to find out they were going to have to continue their journey further, cross the mountains and ice to reach their destination...with the companionship of someone who loved them dearly and had been watching out for them.

Even as I just wrote about this story, several times I thought, "That wasn't enough?" to be stranded wasn't enough? To live on the ice, wasn't enough? Then to have to go on lifeboats to Elephant Island, still wasn't enough?...But it continued on and on. It made me think of the trials I have been asked to go through...even since Declan dying. I have caught myself saying, "Wasn't that enough?!" Then my baby cousin died and again I said it. Then my grandpa. Then other trials that have brought me to tears...all along I thought, "Why isn't this enough?!" Then in my lowest point finding out I am not pregnant...again...it wasn't done.

I could spent the rest of my life keeping score, worrying about all the things that keep happening that I would rather not. But...I have been assured that good things are to come...does that mean they won't be paired with hard things? Probably not. I don't think that a season of trials equals a season of hopelessness...though I have had my share of days that I have wondered that.

I hope as this new year comes, and even before, that I will finally realize that things happen...no matter what has just happened. There's no allotment on tough things. Sometimes it is sparse and sometimes it rains down until you almost feel it will never end...but I have to accept that.

I can't imagine the relief Shackleton felt when he reached home. After all the work and toil in the worst circumstances imaginable...to finally be safe and know that it was over. I suppose that is how we will feel when we put away our earthly cares and move onto the next life. Peace. Rest. And that all those hardships we have endured...are over.

I have been working a lot on my genealogy lately. It has been really good for me in many ways. I feel so connected to these people, not just because we share the same bloodline, but because I have invested myself in their lives. One of the most touching things I have seen is the amount of children lost in my family. In one month my ancestors lost 3 children...a daughter and a niece and nephew to diphtheria. The year before a brother-in-law died of Spinal Meningitis after only being married a few months. The 3 children were 11, 5 and 2. I can't imagine the heartache of those parents. To grieve for your child and then turn around and lose your nephew and niece as well...I can't imagine - all from the same horrifying illness.

It makes me appreciate my ancestors even more having buried a child myself. Though it still happens more frequently than I realized, most babies do survive, unlike it used to be where the mother or child would frequently pass on. So many have journeyed the same path...over and over again in some cases.

It may seem depressing, but somehow I feel an inner strength knowing that these people are the reason I am here. I hope I inherited some of their strength all these years later.

I think finding hope is what has brought me along this last year. When I have let it slip through my fingers I always find it again...waiting for me and leading me where I am meant to go.

Where's my genie in a lamp?

2011-12-01T21:59:00.001-08:00

Lately I have needed a huge dose of inner strength...but honestly it has been running a bit dry.

I have landed myself right where I never wanted to end up...at the beginning. It is as if I started running a race and though time and time again I have slipped and fallen; I got up and kept pressing forward...then bam...go back to the start.

Not exactly where I wanted to end up at this point.

My first inclination is to recoil and just stay here. It's not so very bad, right? I probably could remain here the rest of my life and have lived a decent life. But instead could I have lead an extraordinary life? (Maybe not to other people, merely to myself) One that I pushed for, hoped for, and gave everything I had for?

Now that seems like a life worth living.

I don't want to just drift and see where I end up...I'm doubting it would be that amazing if I did. I want to dream, accomplish, and even if I fall flat on my face I will know I did all I could do. What else could we be required?

I think it is human tendency to feel that the hand we've been dealt is all we can ever hope for...but what if that wasn't the intent? What if we were destined for more?

After many months, and probably almost 29 years, of feeling that I can't...maybe I need to reevaluate and think am I willing? Am I willing to put in the effort? Am I willing to see this through? Am I ready to hope then jump in with determination? Or am I just going to tell myself, "I can't...?"

Christian has been the driving force behind all of this reflection. He dreams big and I love him for that. Even when things don't exactly turn out his way...he always seems better for it...even failing...than never trying it.

As a kid I loved to dream big. I would think of all the wonderful things I wanted to accomplish in life.

Life didn't turn out quite like I'd hoped. Somehow down the road it finally occurred to me...wait life isn't fair...and when I did I wasn't very pleased. Sometimes I caught myself feeling where's my genie? Don't I get a chance to get everything I want? Instead of embracing the unfairness as a reality and pushing past it, I let it define me...telling me that there was no use...life just wasn't fair.

I could fill journals...and have...of thoughts and feelings about fairness. But in the last year I not only understand on a very deep level that life is not fair...but that it wasn't meant to be. If everything was...life would not be worth it.

As Christian reminded me today there was only One who could have made it on His own. It wasn't fair that He suffered, for He had done nothing wrong, but He chose to go through the ultimate unfairness to make life worth it in the end for us. We were given the chance to be forgiven for our mistakes, we would surely make, and in turn live with our Heavenly Father again.

So even though this life may not ever be fair...the next life is more than fair...in fact it is much more than we could ever dream.

So at the end of this I have a list of 10 life goals...some I can accomplish in a year, few years, and hopefully before I die...but even if I fail at some of them...I can't live life feeling that I can only dream realistically...what would be the fun in that anyway?

So as the new year approaches I think I'm unleashing the child-like Christy who once dreamed big - even if to others I seemed insignificant or that task impossible.

Helen Keller once said, "While they were saying among themselves it cannot be done, it was done." - I very much believe that and have witnessed it...and strive for it in my life...

Hmm...that didn't go well...

2011-11-30T07:48:00.001-08:00

I have had a very...interesting month. I'm not sad to say goodbye to November. It wasn't terrible, just not great either. I've had worse.

Last Sunday, was a disaster! It started on Saturday night...I don't know if my lack of sleep just finally got to me or hormone craziness, but wow. It lingered to Sunday...and I was struggling!

I sat down in our meeting where we just meet as women and I was chatting with a friend. I was trying to keep it together, but then my sweet Angel baby mommy friend sat behind me and touched my arm. I turned around and she asked how Thanksgiving was.

I unsuccessfully told her it was good. She told me she was unconvinced. Then I clarified that it was good, but I wasn't now. Then I proceed to burst into tears like a crazy woman. Sobbing and telling her how much I want another baby and how frustrated I was it hasn't happened yet...like she needed to hear that!

Then the sweet woman in front of me that just lost her sister-in-law mere days before turns around to comfort me with a tissue. I felt like a blithering idiot. Obviously I am emotionally unstable.

Since then I have just been so emotional it is almost humorous. Seriously! Poor Christian didn't know what to do with me. When he saw me after church I could tell he was concerned, but completely at a loss what to do with his crazy wife.

Yesterday wasn't much better. Emmy was playing with my theraband that I workout with. She had folded it up and was cradling it in her arms. Then she proceeded to say, "Mommy, my baby died."

I about lost it. I tearfully told her that not all babies die. Poor thing! My biggest fear is that Emmy is going to be so scared to have kids someday. It breaks my heart how much my kids worry now. I know when I do actually get pregnant that I have to tread lightly so my kids don't worry about it.

I have been comforted knowing that we will add to our family someday. I sometimes feel though that I've been stuck this last year. Nothing has changed. I haven't gotten my pre-pregnancy body back - not for a lack of trying - or a pregnancy. So here I am feeling the same that I did last year...and I thought I had been trying to step forward. Working hard to get into shape, but failing miserably.

Keeping my perspective, that all things have their season and life doesn't have to be perfect to be enjoyable, seems to be a huge weakness of mine.

Luckily this year the holidays don't feel like a stabbing pain like they did last year. I remember sitting Christmas day feeling like my world was crashing down around me and all I wanted was to curl in a ball and pretend it wasn't happening. This year I am looking forward to Christmas shopping and absorbing all this season has to offer; especially hope!

I am yet to get my tree up, I kept trying, but I was vetoed by my son...hmm. Well I think I have finally talked him into it. 25 days till Christmas! Yay!

Running...

2011-11-18T15:29:00.001-08:00

I shared a great running story not long ago. But I heard one even better during the Olympics when they were in Athens. I found it online and thought I would share it. If you view it you have to fast forward to almost 9 minutes because there is just a bunch of commercials and Olympic news.

Stelianos Kyriakedes had a miraculous life. Born premature and having to drop out of school to help with money for his family...he became a dishwasher. Somehow he found running. He was so embarrassed to run in front of people that he would stop when someone was near.

He amazed many that thought he would never be a runner. He ended up in the Olympics in Berlin. He did amazing things there and then was invited to the Boston Marathon...where he decided to use his new shoes he had been given and could not even finish the race. He was determined to come back and run the race.

During the war Kyriakedes almost died. The only thing that saved him were his papers that he was an Olympian that participated in the Berlin Olympics.

After the war Greece was stricken with a death sentence: there was no food, no jobs, and no hope. Emaciated from hunger Kyriakedes told his wife he was going to run the Boston Marathon to help aid the starving country. His wife looked at him and said he couldn't, he was too thin and hadn't run in several years.

Determined he started to run. He sold everything he had to get to Boston to run. Doctors told him he wouldn't be allowed to run...they feared his death if he ran. Some fellow runners that knew him asked for him to be allowed to run.

Kyriakedes not only won the Boston Marathon, he broke his personal best by 16 minutes and set a world record for his time.

He was able to secure food and help to his people...but more importantly hope. When he returned 1 million people greeted him. 1 million people!

It truly is an inspiring story of courage and strength through very difficult circumstances.

I hope you enjoy...(it isn't too long most of the length is just Olympic news so just fast forward to about 8:56 and it only lasts until 30 something)

I have found a love for running, probably because of Christian. My kids are both into running and beg to go with their dad all the time. Bryce gets up early before school sometimes just to go with Christian. I love watching my kids run...

Great action shot of Emmy

Precious...

2011-11-18T15:01:00.001-08:00

I have been trying desperately to get off my couch and resume life...so I started working out and pushing myself to be more busy. At night I crash and feel that sleep can't come soon enough...which is fantastic since I couldn't sleep before.

Emmy has been sick so she has been really cuddly lately. She just wants to sleep in my bed every night. I woke up the other day to this...

...Emmy curled up with Declan's blanket on my bed.

I couldn't resist snapping a photo and taking some video of her. She did not want to wake up. I kissed her on her curls and told her it was time to get up and she did not even move.

At different times I have felt my kids were just what I needed throughout missing Declan. They cheer me when I down and remind me there is still so much life to live.

I was driving with Christian home and he told me to look at the kids. I turned my head and saw...

...it was so cute!

I love when my kids get along. Sometimes I feel like pulling out my hair when they are at each other all the time, but then there are moments where they do get along...

Tiny wonders...

2011-11-13T15:10:00.001-08:00

I have felt a little bombarded by infants lately. I knew that there would be babies born and life would resume no matter what, but lately...wow. Everywhere I turn there's someone announcing, delivering, or showing their infants.

I usually can tune it out and just ignore all the tiny babies, but every once in a while it smacks me in the face and I'm left a little dazed.

Ironically, there are still moments that I look at those tiny little hands and feet still feeling cheered somehow. Grateful they still get here safely.

The other day I went to the store for a dear, sweet friend who is due soon. I wanted so much to get her something. Off I went to the store, by myself, and braved the baby department. I thought it would be no big deal since I loved this woman so dearly.

I picked up a dozen outfits and then placed them back. One outfit, in particular, I carried around with me for at least ten minutes, but could not bring myself to buy...for it had an elephant on it...which is what one of Declan's take home outfits had.

I stared at the tiny socks, beanies, fleece hoodies, and onesies until I almost burst into tears. My head was spinning and I could not make up my mind.

By the time I was driving home, my heart hurt...but when I gave it to her...it all melted away. Her hugs and appreciation made anything I had felt evaporate. If I could just ask for a tiny piece of her sweetness and kindness I would be a very different person. She is a glowing sun that shines and warms where ever she resides. I admire her greatly!

Last year, when I would have a hard time it would last, and last, and last some more. Now I have bad moments...they flit in and out as fast as a heartbeat sometimes. Though I don't care for them, I know it's just my motherly heart missing my little boy.

The other day my friend was sitting by me and her daughter started saying, "Mumm, Mummm." It was luckily during a prayer and my eyes welled with tears and then they disappeared quickly. I had a quick flash of Declan hanging on my leg calling out, "Mum-Mu," and I couldn't help, but feel the searing pain. However, as quickly as it came it fled and I was okay.

I am actually looking forward to this holiday season. Last year I just got through it. I remember the sigh of relief when it was finally over.

A few days ago, I was laying on my bed next to Emmy who was coughing terribly. Her eyes were puffy and she looked miserable. I curled up beside her and watched her breathing. I had been worried about all the things going on in my life and feeling so overwhelmed it brought me to tears, but as I laid by her I thought to myself, "This is what it's about."

Life is stressful for everyone. We have bills to pay, places to be, houses to clean, and things to do in a short amount of time...but being with those you love is why all of it is worth it...why we even put up with all the stress in the first place.

I am looking forward to just being us, my little family for the holidays. Life still holds a lot of tiny wonders, even among all the disappointment and despair.

Night out...

2011-11-05T23:48:00.000-07:00

Christian and I have not been on very many dates since our kids were born. Lately we have been swapping with friends so dates aren't so expensive.

I really enjoyed going for a bike ride tonight. We inherited some bikes recently so we took them out for a spin. I'm embarrassed to admit that I have not been on a bike since I was 14. At first I was curious about the saying, "It's like riding a bike..." because I struggled. Did I forget?! Honestly! I wobbled as sad as that is when I got started.

We had fun acting like little kids again. I forgot how fun bike riding was. Lately I have been thinking that maybe this pause in kids might be a gift. Time for us to reconnect before life gets crazy again with another baby. I almost fell off my bike looking at my cute hubby riding his bike. Honestly, he still takes my breath away.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. It didn't cost a thing for the date which was just like our dates before we got married. I loved that just going for a long walk was fun with Christian. It's as though all that is coming back. The simplicity of just spending time together.

I fell in love with Christian as we would walk miles and miles so we could talk. I remember one night in particular we paused after what felt like moments together and realized we were at least ten miles away from our apartments.

We had fun silly adventures that made me love him all the more. Christian is an active person that never feels simple enjoyment is beneath him to enjoy.

One of the stupidest things we ever did was throw wadded up paper up at the fan in one of our apartments, after we were married, and even writing it sounds ridiculous. But I remember the way I laughed laying next to Christian and how much I enjoyed his company. It doesn't matter what we are doing, he's just fun for me to be around.

Just something I have been thinking tonight. It was a good night. Christian and I have been through a lot together and now I think it's time to reconnect back to our beginnings. The fun loving people we used to be before life beat it out of us...well at least me.

Here's some terrible pictures from my phone:

Yes I am that good at taking cell phone pictures (But I thought it was funny because we are still visible through the blurriness):

Here's to dating!

13 months...

2011-10-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

Time has passed...not a lot, but enough. 13 months doesn't sound very long. 13 months of deep reflection does.

I was reading and thinking about the day Declan was born a few days ago. It all came back in a swirl of emotions...but as I pulled my mind away I felt peace. It made me realize how far I have come in 13 months.

I have hit deep recesses of grief that I never knew even existed. I have charted unknown territories in loss and longing. I have had to learn to take a baby step forward pause catch my breath and then take another agonizingly tiny step again.

At times I felt, "I'm never getting anywhere!"

I fell on my face so many times I wondered why I kept getting up and placing myself to fall again. But I did it anyway.

Now that I have moved forward I'm not "over it." I think sometimes people feel that all of a sudden because you can have weeks of good days that life now is back to normal. You jumped the hurtle - now you're good.

I don't think it works that way. When you are missing someone it alters your life. I think of how different my life would be if Declan were here. I recognize it a lot. Though the empty seat in my car doesn't scream at me like it used to, there are times when I take Bryce to school when I think, "This should be much more complicated with Declan here."

My friend and I were talking about grief and she equated it to someone leaving. When a loved one goes on a trip and leaves or goes home after visiting you...do you miss them? Of course. Do you know you will see them again? Sure. Does the separation seem long (when you really like them)? Definitely. Can you live life again and enjoy it? Absolutely! But there's a piece of your heart that belongs to the missing, the longing, and the love that you hold for that person. No one can replace that section, nudge it out of the way, or fix that either. It's reserve...until you are reunited.

I think back to people I have known in my life that lost people they loved dearly. How unhelpful I was! My best friend when I was young lived next door. The day I met her she told me her mom had breast cancer, but was in remission. A few years later it came back with vengeance. It took her mom from her when she was only eleven. I saw the pain in her eyes. I knew she suffered. But I didn't know what to say or do. I always made the mistake of talking about her "parents," and she always corrected me, "parent."

Until Declan died I really had no idea the pain that is caused by someone dying. Sure I had rough things happen...even extremely difficult things. Life wasn't peachy for me when I was young, but when Declan died it was like nothing I ever have experienced. The feeling of pain ripping through my heart is indescribable. I couldn't imagine going through that when I was eleven.

Out of everything I am grateful I understand. I get it. I know the exhausted look in people's eyes that have spent every ounce of energy mourning the loss of a dear one.

But I also know that peaceful feeling after a storm rages. There's nothing like that either. Knowing that I am loved by my Heavenly Father and that I am looked after...there's no way to describe the cozy warm feelings.

I think we feel we have to hurry up and get better. I look back and at first I did try to rush my grief. I've realized that I spent a year crying, feeling down, and allowing myself to feel my deepest fears, loss, and pain. Allowing myself that, has let me feel the cloud finally lift. I let the storm wash over me and rage overhead...so now I can see the sun. Putting off the storm, I believe, isn't going to make it dry up and blow away.

It isn't as though now other trials don't make me upset and life difficult, but as far as Declan goes...I just miss him. But am excited that one day I will see him. There may be days that it gets bad, but honestly this last month I have realized that I'm okay. I worried it would fade after a day or two, but it hasn't. I can focus on other challenges in my life...because Declan's death has trumped everything until now.

Now, I can be there for Christian...who helped me through my grief and put his aside. He misses Declan more now that ever before...which breaks my heart. Hopefully I can be the strength that he has been to me this last, very long, year.

13 months...gave me a new beginning....

The sidelines...

2011-10-18T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have always enjoyed sports movies. I have no idea why, I always detested playing sports myself...even though I did play them. However, I do feel there are so many life lessons woven within sports if they are implemented correctly.

Lately, I have felt I have been on the sidelines a lot watching my sweet oldest running his "race" and completely collapsing just as he rounded the first bend.

My heart sinks and my hand rushes to my gasping mouth. How I want to grab him off the race track, dust him off and tell him he can just come home.

Parenting isn't quite how I thought it would be. I expected dealing with the outbursts, sickness, sibling squabbles, but not the heartache watching my kids go through struggles.

My mind has reflected how our Heavenly Father must feel for us and watching the difficulties that we go through. A tiny pinhole glimpse into the love and hope that He has for us to succeed. Watching, hoping that we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward.

I don't quite understand the reasoning behind all we are asked to go through...especially the challenges that children go through. Why do children go through cancer? I don't know. Why do children given to terrible parents while there are great parents waiting empty handed? I don't know.

My first born has struggles that I don't understand, but watching him overcome them even if they are baby steps makes me burst with joy in my heart. No wonder our Heavenly Father wants us to succeed and not just angrily throw our hands in the air and declare defeat. How sad I would be if Bryce would.

I don't like the sidelines. I feel helpless as I look on horrified and not being able to fix it for him. I can encourage and cheer as loudly as I can, but I can't do it for him. How much I want to take it from him or step in his place, I'm not meant to.

I know there is a reason for all of this and I can speculate that if he can triumph over this he will become much stronger than if I could take it away from him.

Christian didn't have a very easy stretch in his own life. I have often thought of how I wished he hadn't gone through it, but the person who resulted is amazing. I admire him for persevering and not giving up. I'd dare say he didn't just get through it, but let it make him so much better. I've known him since I was 13 years old and I have the pleasure of watching him become the man he is these past 16 years.

Christian, being an avid runner, has always loved the story of Billy Mills. If you have a chance to read his story or watch the actual footage of his amazing Olympic race, it is inspiring. He wasn't even considered a candidate to win and then during the race he was pushed and it could have cost him, but he pressed forward and ended up winning. I know it's silly, but I cry every time I've watched it.

I know we aren't always going to "win" and it seems that we got the short end of the stick many times, but I know that we have a huge cheering squad - even if we can't see them. I'd like to think that Declan cheers for Bryce and the rest of us.

I decided just to post it for those interested (Christian and I love the shock in the announcer's voice that starts shouting)...

October 15th...

2011-10-13T08:51:00.000-07:00

Last year on the 15th I had vaguely heard from other Angel Baby moms that it was the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day.

A few months later it finally clicked through my grief-stricken brain...duh there are a lot of us! So I would like to challenge all of you to light a candle, do a balloon release, or just give them a hug if you know someone who has lost their precious piece of their heart.

I know so many have had miscarriages and so many times people brush that off as insignificant. But it's important to you. When I offered my condolences to a friend that had two miscarriages lately she brushed it off as not as important as what happened to me. It broke my heart that she wouldn't let me care.

It is heartbreaking to be excited for a baby and then have it dashed to pieces.

I am so sorry to everyone whose heart is broken...no matter the cause. But my heart is especially tender to those who lose children. I know that pain and though I've never had a miscarriage I have had several close calls and can only imagine the pain that would result from one.

I am also sad for those who try and try for years...and nothing. It hasn't been even that long for me and it has been rough for me to wait...and I already had 3. Though I have finally made peace with the fact that it might take a long time, I have a very tiny glimmer of what people who have to wait for their arms to be filled.

On Saturday, you will all be in my heart my friends. I hope you know your pain doesn't go unnoticed, especially by our Heavenly Father.

Right before Declan's birthday I was struggling. I went to the Relief Society General Conference (which is a meeting for the women of our church where we listen to talks). I love this talk given by Pres. Uchtdorf. I loved the whole thing and it is available on LDS.org or Youtube. But I needed these specific words...

I know that we all feel lost sometime in our life...but we really aren't alone. It is really hard to remember that during those storms. But I have felt in the depths of my sorrow and pain that I was never alone. I know there is a loving Heavenly Father and that he has sent his Son to help us all return to him. I knew that so certainly the hour after the nurse place Declan in his bassinet and wheeled him out of my room. We are not alone.

A year ago...

2011-10-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

I hate flying. I know it's completely unreasonable to be scared of flying, but I am.

Christian and I had a free flight and were trying to figure out how to utilize it best. After the kids and I got sick we decided this last weekend I would fly up alone. When we originally decided it I wasn't thinking about what had occurred last year this last weekend.

I knew I would be up there on the 9th of October...the day we buried Declan. I thought it would be good for me to be able to visit his grave and even release balloons just like we did the day we buried him. But what I hadn't thought of was the flights that would bring all those memories back.

As I flew up on Friday I sat down in my seat and it struck me hard...this about the day I flew up last year for the funeral. As I sat thinking I pictured the pain-filled journey flying a week after my c-section. I remember we were in the last row...Christian, Bryce and I. My mom was several rows up with Emmy. I had cuddled up to Christian and leaned my head on his shoulder squeezing his hand much too hard the entire plane ride.

As I landed on Friday and pulled up to the gate I said a thankful prayer in my heart...though I know it was silly. I walked out of the plane and thought how different this trip was...how far I had come. Though I miss Declan terribly I don't feel like the wind had just been knocked out of me and I couldn't catch my breath.

I walked the long journey from my gate to baggage claim, though I didn't check a bag, and there they were; waiting for me. Two of my sisters met me at the airport. Again my mind flashed back to when I saw my sister the first time after we had arrived for the funeral. I almost couldn't even look at her the pain seared too deep. Instead we busied ourselves with the tasks at hand.

This time, only joy showed on our faces.

I decorated Declan's grave with fall. I love fall...and my sisters patiently waited as I picked out items to put on his headstone. It surprises me how much it cheers me to be able to decorate his grave.

Sunday before I departed for home we did a balloon release. Three of my nephews attended and wrote on their balloons. It touched my heart...

As I watched my family and my sister's boyfriend holding the balloons and writing on them...I felt this was it. My darkest days were behind me. I would miss him, but be able to enjoy my life.

As the balloons slowly floated away...they were bought the day before...I watched my balloon. I had written on it for my whole family...though they were not able to be there.

On my way home the sun was setting. The pink and orange hues slowly turned into a burnt faded orange and then finally the flicker of the sun was gone. The clouds had been illuminated by this beautiful scene and my heart felt at peace knowing that in one year I have come this far...let's hope the next few years prove to be even better.

A year ago today I was on my way home from the most devastating event of my life, burying my sweet baby, but today as I write this I feel the Lord's hand in my life, lovingly showing me that this separation is not meant to be permanent or to break me, but to be temporary and mold me into something much more precious than anything I could do on my own.

We love you Declan! We always will! You are always in my thoughts and heart! Until we meet again...

Hands...

2011-10-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

The light was dim as Christian and I laid in bed talking. He was sharing his thoughts about things we had been praying about lately. I held my hand against his so that we were palm to palm. I thought about how familiar his hand was to me. If I could feel what he was it would practically feel like my own.

I laced my fingers through his and his fingers bent around mine. I unlaced and his released. I continued to hold my palm against his. All the while, he was talking, not even pausing that I had been rearranging our hands.

I touched the tops of his middle and ring finger where he had them cut off in a lawn mower accident. How grateful I was there was still a hand there. His doctor had mentioned that he still could wear a wedding ring...but Christian only being a teenager didn't think much of this. Since he could have lost his whole hand, I am grateful it was only the tops of his fingertips...though I know that caused him excruciating pain.

I thought of another pair of hands as I held my sweet husbands hands. Baby hands. How new and precious they are. How I love them.

My thoughts then turned to another pair of precious hands...our Savior's. The hands that were pierced and hung on a cross. The hands grasped in the Atonement; aching in pain. Though I have never seen those wounds on those hands, how precious they are to me. Without those hands and the Owner of those hands, I would have nothing...be nothing...and have nothing to look forward to.

As I laid thinking about all I had bouncing around my head, the warmth of Christian's hand matched my own. I had loved those hands so long...even before they were united with mine in marriage. I remember the first time he slid his hand inside mine and how my heart fluttered uncontrollably. The first time he told my he loved me by writing on my hand in Russian. How he looked cradling each of our children with those wonderful hands.

Christian's cousin took pictures at Declan's funeral and I fell in love with this picture...

...and I don't know why. I think it is because I was holding the precious bears representing my kids after the funeral. Declan's was with him by then so I only had two. Emmy had placed his bear in and out of the casket so many times I'm sure all the bears were mixed up by the end. The picture just leaves me feeling cozy with the bears in my arms while holding the sweet condolence cards I was given by friends and family. So many have reached out...and continue to do so.

Lifting and comforting with our hands...whether it is picking up a pen, dialing a number, or pulling someone into a hug...it means so much to those who need love. Some of the smallest gestures have had the most impact...just a hug with tear filled eyes.

Thank you again for all the flowers, cards, and sweet treats we have received! It means more than you'll ever know! (I know I say that a lot, but I do mean it)

Firsts...

2011-09-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

My firsts...for the most part are over. There will be milestones along the way, but the first Mother's Day, Christmas, Birthdays...are over. That's not to say I will never have a difficult time during Christmas or Mother's Day...but I suspect that it won't feel like I've been kicked in the stomach either.

Declan's birthday started very well. I was really tired from staying up late stenciling bags for the blankets we donated, but I was excited for the day.

I had a big breakfast with my kids and then we got ready for the day.

I collected all the bags and put them on the couch. I was overwhelmed at the number...21! That was over double what I was planning for his birthday! Thank you to everyone who made that possible!

I plopped my kids in the middle of the bags and took a picture and video of it. They wished Declan a happy birthday as they were surrounded by the bags of blankets...

We loaded them up and took them to the hospital. As Christian pulled into the parking lot I started to get nervous...could I truly waltz into this building where my baby died? It has been 6 months since I went there and I was very nervous.

We loaded up our arms with the bags of blankets and started to walk into the building. It seemed to last forever to get to the building and then through the doors.

When we finally got inside we made our way to the elevators. Going up to the second floor we stepped out and went to labor and delivery. We were greeted quickly and found the person to give the blankets. The office happens to be right next to the nursery and I tried not to look and even outloud said, "Don't look, don't look, don't look..." But I did. I glanced inside seeing a tiny infant in her bassinet in only a diaper. I looked away quickly and Bryce exclaimed, "Look at the baby."

"Yeah," I said distracted. "She's cute."

We placed the bags inside the office and I left them...hoping they reach those who would best benefit from them. Hoping that the woman who receive these know how much I care for them though I don't know them. Hoping that they feel comfort from hugging these blankets that I lovingly washed in baby scented detergent and tenderly hugged before putting them in their bags.

As we left we took the elevator down and I opened my purse and had forgotten to give the outfit I had meant to donate. We went back up and she was still in the hall.

I told her that we had taken an outfit from the box they have full of baby clothes for people just like us. I wanted to replace the one we took with one that was supposed to be his. I tearfully handed off the outfit and hugged her one last time before hurrying down to the elevator.

As I walked outside I pictured the broken Christy sitting in her wheelchair waiting empty-handed for Christian to pull up the car. It felt very different to be walking out not aching in every way a person can. How different that day was from yesterday. If only I could put my arms around that Christy and tell her that it was going to get better. But I was facing a heart-wrenching funeral and had no idea how the rest of my life was going to play out after I said goodbye to Declan's tiny body for the last time.

It was a peaceful and good day. We were really blessed. We finished the day with a balloon release. Emmy and begged for purple and pink balloons and then Bryce wanted red and blue...so we got all different colors. It cheered me so much to have three dozen colorful balloons released. Thank you for everyone who did their own...it means a lot!

My sister in college even released one with her roommates...

It has been a crazy year of tears, heartache, joy, hope, peace, frustrations, and at the end of it I am feeling hope that life can continue as we bring Declan's memory with us as we experience the rest of it. He will always be etched into my heart...never to forgotten. Thank you for always being there for us! We are very grateful!

Facebook video...

2011-09-28T01:23:00.000-07:00

I made this to put on my facebook page, but it wouldn't let me. So I'll post it here. Happy Birthday Declan!! Love you always!

Mommy

My tribute...

2011-09-27T10:02:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to be very busy and I don't want to miss posting this...

I just recently got more pictures from Christian's cousin that took photos at the funeral too and I made this video before I got them. I really appreciate her service to us. The photos in this video were done by one dear friend, a sweet lady at my church, and Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I really appreciate these pictures...more than they will ever know. I am so grateful for everyone's help, love, and support! Thank you!

Happy Birthday Tomorrow Declan!! We love you so much and miss you!

Letting go...

2011-09-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I don't even know what I am going to write. My mind is still reeling from my week. And now I have landed here...where you ask?

I have no idea.

I think I'm okay for now. Today, hopefully is a good day. Who knows why. It started out to be a quite disastrous day, but somehow hope sprang from the desolate.

I have been thinking a lot about my purpose in life. What am I here to do? What would Heavenly Father have me do? I have been swirling around this crazy place for a year now...as if I'm in a snow globe and every three seconds I'm being shaken...spinning me to the point I don't even know which way I supposed to be.

Where do I land? Where should I land?

I know being a wife and mother are two of the things I am supposed to do. Even knowing that, I have wondered how I can improve and become better in these areas. I love my hubby and my kids so much, but I sometimes worry my silliness gets in the way of loving them to my fullest capacity.

So what to do about it? I know forgetting myself and releasing all of these balls juggling in the air that I don't even need to keep catching is one of my problems. Letting go...

It seems so easy. "Just let it go..."

It isn't.

I have so many things to "let go" of...and though I've been on this path before it is as if I have just taken my first step.

Take a deep breath...look at the road, knowing it won't be easy, and then spring forward with determination.

Christian and I decided to reduce stress...how in the world do we do that?! Both of us have felt like we might explode from stress, so I thought to myself, asked many people and concluded no one knows...

Then I realized something...which seems very elementary, but still helpful...what is stressing me out? So I went to work finding out. Christian and I cut strips of paper, gave stacks to each of us and wrote down everything that we were stressed about: from the dog to missing Declan.

My last thing I wrote was: "I feel like I have no control over anything in my life."

After we spread all the slips of paper that covered our dinning room table I looked at our stress horrified...no wonder!

We had two baskets one was for things we couldn't change and things we could. We started to sort. Soon all that was left were two of mine... "Missing Declan" and " I feel like I have no control over anything in my life."

I placed Declan's inside a basket and then realized that everything boiled down to the last slip of paper...the one that I had written last.

I know I'm a control freak...always looking to find ways to have a "handle" on everything around me. It doesn't work.

I think deep down I am so hurt that nothing I do can change some of the most important events of my life. All my hard work and sacrifice for Declan...didn't keep him here. All my heart and love wanting another child...isn't making it happen. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Yesterday Bryce shared with me that he gets scared that babies will die now. He talked about sometimes people get medicine, but still die...like my grandpa who just died of cancer. I told him that was true. We can hope, give people the best medical care, but if Heavenly Father is ready to have them home, they aren't meant to be saved.

That, I think, is hardest thing for me. I know Declan wasn't meant to be here. But some days I look at all the little miracles that enter this world and think, "Why not Declan?"

"Letting go..."

I have thought for weeks now how I can "let go" of things I cannot control. Each day something horrific can happen, but if I let it I can worry away my life. I can't wrap my family in bubble wrap and keep them from every possible harmful thing in this life...it's impossible.

I hope as Declan's birthday approaches I can find that peace that I can let go of all those things I couldn't control...the biggest of all Declan living.

I pray that I can succeed. That one day I will know that I accepted the trials handed to me and kept moving forward...and "letting go" of my need to control every situation...and even say, "Thy will be done."

Last Flashback...

2011-09-22T00:12:00.000-07:00

Last year I posted this on my private blog a year ago today:

Last night I told Christian that I only have 5 weeks and if we're lucky like I was with Emmy, we only actually have 3 weeks. He was in shock. I think we both have felt that this will be a while. Now it has snuck up on us. I'm supposed to be due on Oct 31st but being diabetic most doctors don't like letting me go to the end. I'm hoping my doctor now feels that way. My recovery with Emmy was awesome and completely awful with Bryce. I don't want to deliver a huge baby again.

Cross your fingers for us! :)

I realize I have had the most boring posts lately. I'm sure my updates aren't all that interesting, but hey what else am I going to chat about? The weather is still hot and my pregnant body wants nothing to do with it, so I don't go anywhere unless I absolutely have to (like get food). So sorry you're stuck listening to my silly updates.

My next post was on the 28th right before I went to my doctor's appointment and right before every thing went crazy.

It's weird to read back through all of these. I am grateful I have them. It's interesting to read...probably only to me.

It's been a rough week and I haven't much else to say...thank you everyone for all you do!

Amazing...

2011-09-21T14:10:00.000-07:00

I've been really down lately. I am hoping to get it out of the way and just have a nice birthday party on his actual birthday.

I was chatting with my friend about it and she talked to me about the year mark of losing her dad. I guess I knew it would be okay if I fell to pieces on his birthday, but having someone tell you that...just gets you off the hook.

After a really helpful conversation, she then took Emmy and had me go out and do something. I was hesitant at first...Emmy is my little uplifting girl...but she wanted to go so I took her over.

I looked for bags for my blankets and found some, but they were not on sale like I had hoped. I went back to get Emmy and my friend told me to go back out again. I told her I had done everything I wanted to do. I mentioned the bags.

It was then she gave me the money to get all the bags I needed. I was so stunned I don't think I told her how very much it meant to me.

I cried as I told Christian on the phone when I got home.

I have been surrounded by such understanding friends. Whenever I feel lonely someone pops up and helps me out. I'll never be able to express how much that helps me.

I have this horrible count down going on in my head...7 days. Each time I think of how many days left till his birthday, I can't help reliving those days that lead to his birth. What was I doing? Was I enjoying myself? I remember not feeling very well the few days before, but other than that I don't know.

A friend on Facebook wrote that September is baby month...so many babies being born. I swear it wasn't that way last year. This year...every three seconds I hear someone else had a baby. I am so glad for them, but it stings...especially around now.

As I write this Emmy has placed her baby in a diaper bag and told her that she will be safe. Now she just called her baby, "Princess."...which is funny because I never call her princess.

I am often reminded that the sweet angels that I get to have with me here, are just that...my little angels. They were sent here for me to care and love, but also they have helped me understand life. The patience and understanding that I have learned has mainly been through motherhood I learned them. Emmy and Bryce both tell me they love me all the time. They will randomly wrap their arms around me and hug me. Last night I was sitting in Bryce's room reading to him before bed as he sat on my lap. After it was over he turned and hugged me tight around the neck. I held him for so long. I don't think he'll know how much I needed that hug. I didn't want to let him go.

As I hugged him I looked over at where Declan's bed would be and I almost burst into tears. Instead I closed my eyes and leaned my head on the little son that I can hold...the one who has had to put up with a rookie mom. He's been with me through all the bumps and hard times. How grateful I am for him.

190...

2011-09-18T21:32:00.000-07:00

This is my 190th post. I can't believe it. This blog started just as a simple blog about my testimony. I had few people reading it and I wrote only occasionally. Now it is where I turn to talk about my grief, pain, peace, love, understanding, weaknesses, hope, fears, and faith.

I knew a hard day was bound to happen after my blissful last post. It struck fairly hard, but as I sit here...I am starting to feel a little better. About 10 minutes ago I was really struggling, but I took a deep breath...and here I am.

My sister's birthday is in two days. Last year I somehow felt more time had passed between her birthday and Declan dying...but it was only 8 days. Just a little over a week and she was texting me while I was in recovery from my c-section. She was the one who we told Declan was gone. She was the one who had to tell everyone else in my family. I didn't find out until recently that she delayed telling everyone because she was still uncertain how I was or if I was okay.

We are very much like dominoes...we stand by each other and when one get's knocked down we all fall. We all feel the pain...maybe differently...and maybe not as long...but we feel it nevertheless.

I finally have my last blanket to donate. My kids love the blankets. Emmy is always squealing with delight and cuddling them. I love blankets...always have. I lately pulled out a blanket that my grandma made for my wedding. It has never been used. I didn't dare ruin it. But I pulled it out of it's protection and cuddled under it. I don't know why...maybe I felt like I needed that connection to my grandma. I remember my dad had this amazing blue blanket. I have no idea what material it was made out of, but it was soft and cool to the touch. It was made by his grandma. We weren't allowed to ever use it, but I would sneak and snuggle it sometimes. Once when I was really sick my mom rocked me in a rocking chair and covered me with this blanket. I'll never forget that. The peace, assurance that everything would be okay, was just what I needed. Maybe that is why I pulled out the blanket from my grandma.

I have ten days left...until it's his birthday. I am nervous about my trek back to the hospital. I worry that it will all come back and hurt...but then I think of how many moms have to leave just like I did. I want them to know that they aren't alone...and that someone knows their pain and truly cares about that little life that flitted so quickly through theirs.

I had secretly hoped I would be pregnant before Declan's birthday, but that isn't likely at this point. Never before has getting pregnant been a problem for me, but now it is. I'm sure there is something I must learn in this trial upon an already devastating trial, but honestly I struggle keeping my balance each time the blow comes and the test says...Not Pregnant. How I hate those words. How much I am beginning to understand, to some small degree, the people who see those words all too often.

I know I shouldn't whine. I have three kids. I've experienced three pregnancies and three births...though the last time wasn't the way I ever wanted it to turn out. I know I'm blessed. I would just love for it to be a different outcome before I just step away from my role as a pregnant mom. But I have had some very sweet moments of understanding...though brief...I know everything will be okay. I just have to take that leap of faith and rely on my Heavenly Father. He has a plan I don't understand quite yet...and I want to be okay with that.

Forgive my scattered thoughts...but I guess my thoughts are always scattered. :)

Unsure...

2011-09-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have been waiting...waiting...and waiting...for the bomb. I look up and search the skies for something to fall upon me. I shouldn't think this way, but every time I think, "Wow, I'm actually doing good...boom!"

So as Declan's first year is coming to a close I keep thinking...this has got to get worse right? Something is going to set me off and I'm going to struggle, right?

It's not that I don't get sad or I'm not thinking about Declan...it's just starting to feel as though the burden of missing Declan is being lifted.

I'm sure I will still have bad days...but I'm hoping this overriding feeling is there the majority of the time. I've had weeks of not feeling good...and I don't want that anymore. It keeps me from enjoying the life that my Heavenly Father gave to me as a gift...not something to get through and hope I survive.

It is upsetting that I am unnerved that I'm okay. When did that happen? I suppose when I awoke from my C-Section.

The other night some loved ones called and I knew why they were calling...they were pregnant again. When Christian got off the phone he looked at me and asked, "How did you know?"

I don't know how I did...I just did. I expected this huge concussion to take over me and I would fall into sobs...but instead I laid in bed and felt peace overwhelm me. I have never felt peace such as that in my life. Even when I was helped after Declan I was still sad and struggling. This peace engulfed me...telling me that everything was going to be just fine and I didn't just know it in the back of my mind...I felt it.

It should have been much more difficult...but even know as I type this the peace is still floating around me...I am okay.

I've been surprised this whole week that I have kept that peace. I can't ever express how grateful I have been for peace, hope, and enduring love. I am starting to feel resolution and hope for my future and the future of my family.

This was my last picture taken pregnant with Declan. My sweet friend Jaime emailed it to me recently

Continued broken hearts...

2011-09-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

When Christian and I were in high school we met through church. While we were there we got to know one particular family. They were sweet, hilarious, and wonderful. I came to learn quickly that they had lost a son when he was very little. I felt a slight kinship to him, though I never met him, because we shared the same birthday and he would have graduated high school when my older sister did.

I had the pleasure of typing up the story of her son. I remember as a teenager, not understanding motherhood in the slightest, crying as I typed the heartbroken words of this amazing woman. My mind could not even imagine the loss of a child then...though my own grandparents had suffered the loss of my uncle.

Last night Christian returned with sad news...this same family has lost another child...their oldest daughter.

I never met her, but I heard often of the loving words her parents had to say about her. My heart is broken for them.

I have often thought losing Declan is the hardest thing I will have to go through. But I realized last night, that isn't true. This family lost again. My grandma has lost her husband now.

I don't mean to make the future bleak, there is much to celebrate. I guess I just thought that family had suffered enough for a lifetime...but now they are longing for two of their beloved children. Whether they leave us as infants, children or adults all of it is difficult...the longing is always there.

Our hearts are with this family now and pray for them in this very difficult time.

Hospitals...

2011-09-14T08:53:00.000-07:00

I've never been a fan of hospitals. It probably stemmed from the fact that when I was in fourth grade I fainted in a choir rehearsal and fell four risers up onto the hard floor with my head...resulting in a concussion that landed me in the hospital for several days. I've never had a broken bone, stitches (that weren't wisdom teeth or baby related) or anything really...except a severe concussion. I guess since that was so rough I wasn't asked to go through anything else.

So when I was a teenager I would almost pass out at the thought of being in a hospital. When I had to visit friends or even my mom after she had surgery...let's just say I had to take a lot of deep breaths and sit down.

After having Bryce my thoughts about hospitals changed. The smells and feel of a hospital reminded me of Bryce and those quiet hours as I was in labor awaiting his arrival. That feeling lingered as I had Emmy. I remember inhaling the smell of the detergent on my lovely gown they gave me and it brought me right back to having Bryce. The two sweet experiences, I thought, had cured me of my disdain for hospitals.

Then Declan arrived. I couldn't leave that hospital fast enough. I left earlier than normal, which was good considering I had a funeral to plan.

I have since gone to the hospital to deliver thank yous and flowers. The day I did, my friend had her sweet boy and I dropped off something at the nurses station for her. They looked at me puzzled why in the world would I not want to go in if I made this trek all the way down to the hospital. But I said nothing of the anxiety I was feeling and hurried out.

Yesterday I went to the hospital again. It wasn't the one I delivered Declan at, but as I stepped out of the elevator I was bombarded by pregnant women everywhere. Gowned with IV in hand, they strolled the halls of Labor and Delivery area of the hospital. My kids rushed with me to the nurses station as I cowardly dropped it off and practically ran out. I felt bad not seeing how my friend was doing. But I couldn't.

I tried to not look at the empty bassinets along the walls or the nursery that was right by the elevator, but I did. Luckily when I looked inside the nursery I saw no baby.

Then we retreated to the car. I was grateful no one was leaving with a baby in their arms.

I almost broke down in the parking lot, but as quickly as the feelings came, they evaporated once outside.

I know everything is going to be fine. Knowing that doesn't seem to wipe away the fact that now hospitals bring pain. I can't step in labor and delivery rooms anymore...at least until I leave one with a baby in my arms. I didn't even think about how hard it would be...it wasn't even where Declan was born. But as I walked the halls of the hospital my thoughts turned to my friends...both of which said goodbye to their babies there. I pictured their heartbreaking journey to the elevators next to the nursery. Then the doors closing taking them down to their cars...empty handed.

Maybe that was why it was harder than I thought it would be. Kooper and Addi were born there and though I never got to meet them they have become sweet friends along with their strong and amazing moms.

I hope one day going to the hospital isn't so difficult for me. Maybe, I can make peace with the dreaded place I had to say goodbye to Declan. Perhaps, after I have my rainbow baby someday...

Flashbacks...

2011-09-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

I apologize for revisiting last September so much. But it's weird, every time I read my private blog before Declan was born it just happens to be the very same day. Last year on this day I wrote:

On my week by week count down it says how big the baby is and we've now arrived at the size of a honeydew. I'm sure they mean just the length not weight, but it feels like there's a massive honeydew in there, maybe a small watermelon. haha.

As previously mentioned I have a huge to do list as most people do. I have actually checked off quite a bit. I got a rocking chair, which I honestly didn't think I would find and for a great price. Then I got half the freezer meals done. In two weeks we'll finish them up. I have started to organize, which when you get going doesn't it feel less organized?

I got out all the baby stuff the other day and wondered, what did my kids wear? I don't have that much newborn stuff. I guess they were both summer babies and onesies were good enough. It's so weird not knowing this time. I bought a gender friendly outfit and Bryce helped me pick a cute green blanket with a monkey on it for the hospital.

I have watched way too many baby shows on TV and they have me worrying about the silliest things. But for some reason I can't stop watching them. The worst is NICU. The poor sweet babies that are so tiny and have so many issues. I have to fast forward when they give them IVs or anything cause I can't handle watching such a tiny arm being poked like that! I've really got to stop watching these shows. Poor Christian as walked by a few times and he about passed out when he even heard them talk about it.

All in all I'm moving along with my to do list and hope I've completed it by the time our little bean decides to have his or her birthday.

When I got home from the hospital my DVR was filled with baby shows that I had to delete as quickly as possible. The NICU show was the worst.

Since Declan was struggling before he was born plus he was a month early we had a NICU team there waiting to help him out in my c-section.

They did everything they could to help Declan breathe and safe his life. I am very grateful for them. Because of them, and their efforts to saving my baby, I know that Declan just wasn't meant to be here. We weren't meant for that kind of miracle.

I have often wondered, what if he had lived, just for a moment. Would that have been better or worse. I will never know...but if I were to guess...I think it would have been harder to let him go having seen him kick, cry and look at me.

I prepared so much for Declan's arrival...freezer meals, blankets, clothes, and a rocking chair. How was I to know that those freezer meals would come in handy because I didn't want to bother cooking after the funeral? I had no idea I would sit in the rocking chair because it was the only placed that didn't absolute hurt my c-section incision. I definitely didn't think that the blanket that Bryce so lovingly picked out for his brother would end up being his...a small memento to remind him of Declan.

Life doesn't always turn out the way that we think. I am constantly being shown that. But that doesn't mean that all is lost either. I have felt battered and broken for almost a year now. But oddly, now, I feel peace. I'm not sure why. I just know that no matter what, everything is okay. I'll take it. I have been on the worst emotional roller coaster of my life...I want off!!

In just over 2 weeks Declan would be 1...I try to picture what he would look like and the only thing I can do is look at Bryce at 1 year and imagine Declan would have been similar...since they looked almost identical when they were born.

Ten years...

2011-09-11T08:24:00.000-07:00

I have never written about Sept 11th on here. It almost seems unreal now that 10 years have passed. But I know that so many mourn the loss of their family members today. Out of the many that died we had a family friend that knew both Christian's family and mine whose mom and sister were on one of the planes that hit the towers.

My heart is with all those who remember that day as the first day without their loved one. It wasn't just a day to watch the news...as it was for me. I remember I was in college and I was dating Christian. I sat with my roommates and watched the horrific scenes until I couldn't stand it any longer. Christian and I went for a walk...talking about hate and the awful results from such hate.

Alex holding newborn Jordan

Today, for my family, is also a wonderful day...it is my nephew's birthday. Little Jordan is now 4. I want to wish him a very happy birthday!! His brother Alex's birthday was yesterday and so it get's a little crazy at my sister's house in September.

My little nephew was a miracle. His mom was under a lot of stress and difficult circumstances while she carried him. She also normally needed the help of fertility drugs to have children, but Jordan came without help. We are so grateful he is here and I know he is such a blessing to his brothers and mom. Happy Birthday Jordan!!

Last year...

2011-09-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

I found this post from last Sept 9th 2010...

I have struggled more with this pregnancy than the other two combined. It has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. As the end is nearing, I don't want to rush through it, but I can't seem to help it. This is likely my last baby (I don't know if Christian can handle worrying about me 4th time) and I want to cherish every minute I have left. But I am having a hard time feeling well enough to get up and get dressed each day.

I am grateful though that Heavenly Father has blessed our lives with kids. I look at the two I already have and see little pieces of Christian and I in them and my heart melts. It is a miracle!

7 weeks left (knock on wood there's actually less!!) and I can't believe it. For so long I felt like it would never come and here Oct is next month! :) I remember right before I had Emma I thought how weird it was going to be to have two. Now it feels like she has always been with us. In 7 weeks I'll probably feel the same way about this little sprout (who's name I have no clue).

I appreciate all your prayers and sweet comments! Even though there isn't much people can do, it means so much when you offer!

I had thought I had 7 more weeks, but really I only had less than 3. How strange our perception is during the moment...now that pregnancy felt like it was a mere whirlwind...leaving me empty handed.

It has been interesting and read back over the posts I wrote about my pregnancy with Declan. I spoke about his more than anyone's. I started my private blog when I was almost having Emmy. Then I started this blog a year almost to the day later. I am very grateful I wrote.

I am hoping next year when I read this last year that I will be able to feel at peace. I am hopeful that I may be ending up there. I had a few horrible weeks the last few and now I am feeling peace overcome me.

A lady in my church told me that she spent the year anniversary of her father's death with her siblings and mom. Her mom told them, "We've had a year of mourning, now let's have a year of gratitude."

I really liked that...and have tried to strive for that as we near his year mark.

I don't have a ton of pictures pregnant with Declan. Usually I love pictures, but when I am pregnant I totally forget to take them. This picture was snapped by CJ with his phone. I didn't care for it at the time, but now I am so grateful for it...though it is not great quality. I loved that maternity shirt. I loved that little boy so much! I didn't even know if he was a boy or a girl...I just loved the sweet baby growing inside of me.

Christian wouldn't let me pick the name Declan until baby was born...he's been that way every time we have a baby. But in my heart...I had already fell in love with the name Declan...and now it hold such a special place in my heart.

In 19 days we will have a balloon release. Everyone has been so good to us and I wanted to invite anyone who would like to have their own balloon release...but please don't feel obligated. I would only ask that you send me pictures to my email: ebbinessy@hotmail.com so that I can see all your wonderful faces and balloons. I won't share the pictures unless you want me to. So September 28 at sunset we will let go of our balloons...you are all welcome to share.

I can't ever express the gratitude Christian and I feel for everyone's support in this very difficult year. But as it draws to a close we are hopeful for the future. Thank you all, our hearts are forever touched!

"O ye of little faith..."

2011-09-04T20:45:00.000-07:00

Feeling extremely overwhelmed has been my state of mind the last week. After picking Bryce up from school I discovered he was sick. Ever since he was a baby he never ever acts sick. So even if he has a bad ear ache he won't say anything. He had finally mentioned his ear felt weird before school Friday, but I didn't think much about it.

Then his eardrum ruptured Friday night.

Yeah...

I felt like the worst mom on the planet.

I tried to make it up to him by letting him lay in my bed as he watched movies. He was even able to eat pizza in bed.

When Christian arrived home late Friday night I was exhausted. I turned Bryce over to him and then went to sleep.

The next morning I awoke to Bryce asking where Daddy was. I muttered sleepily that he was probably sleeping in his room. (I had slept in the guest room so Christian could sleep by Bryce, but Bryce snores so loud Christian had to evacuate)

A few minutes I hear a scuffle and Christian comes in to inform me that our dog had an accident downstairs.

Grumpily I got up, at 7:30 on a Saturday, and headed downstairs. To say our dog had an "accident" does not even describe the mess she created.

Seriously I gasped out loud and hollered to Christian it was so much worse than we thought.

I really don't know how my dog accomplished all she did, it was on the baseboards and from the garage door to our stairs (opposite sides of the house).

I didn't even know where to begin.

As I cleaned up the mess I grumbled that she was leaving. We needed to find a new home for her. I couldn't do this.

I spent the next few hours washing everything with Clorox. We used wipes on the entire floor and then after that took our floor machine with Clorox in the water and washed the tile. I had to wash my couch slipcovers and everything that she could possibly touch.

After that nightmare I had to go and learn how to do my new job in our church. When I returned Bryce and Emmy jumping on the couch and fighting over toys. I told them to stop several times. Then suddenly Emmy yelped in pain and burst into tears...real tears; not the usually whining tears. I went over to investigate and she had blood everywhere.

I burst into tears myself. I was so done.

I scooped her up, panicked why she was bleeding. Her new shirt I had just ripped the tags of that day was covered in blood. I discovered it was her mouth that was cut open. It took me forever to get her to stop bleeding and then went about cleaning up another mess (luckily I removed the blood from her shirt). I had to wipe up my arms that were spotted with blood.

It wasn't my finest moment.

I then spent time, in a very grumpy tone, telling my children why they need to listen - which if they had it would not have happened. Bryce's car they had been fighting over had smacked her in the mouth which caused the bleeding.

After I calmed down I thought why it seems so much is bombarding me at once...or maybe I just feel that because I am so emotionally spent.

I have struggled the last few weeks feeling down. I know Declan's approaching first birthday is looming overhead. It almost feelings unreal. How did a year just go by? Just one year ago I posted how I was making freezer meals for when the baby came. I was worried about getting a crib, baby diapers, and pulling out the swing to put together. Little did I know that 27 days later from writing that post my precious baby wasn't going to need any of those things.

I think I just need to realize life isn't going to be any easier. I wanted baby chaos, but instead I got just chaos. The other day both my kids were throwing fits super loudly as we were at the store. I mean, everyone turning to look at us kind of fits (it's a small grocery store). I was at a loss of what to do. It was so crazy the only thing I could think to do was just start laughing. I'm sure people thought I had cracked and completely lost it as I exited with my kids hollering and crying at the top of their lungs, "I want a bar!"

I think I need to just throw my hands in the air and say, "Oh well!" then tip back my head and laugh. There's nothing left to do. I have shed tears for a year now - I don't know how much I have left.

I have excepted that life isn't going to ever be less complicated. This is my new chaos: dealing with my grief as I continue on my life path. Somehow everything seems so much more overwhelming since Declan died. I had hoped that would fade quickly, but so far it hasn't. I guess I never have been one to stay calm in the turbulent seas.

In the 8th chapter of Matthew is where, the story of Jesus calming the seas, resides. I read it today and it struck me very powerfully. His disciples are frightened of the storm and wake Him fearing their death. He calmly responds, "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?"

I have been tossed in my own turbulent sea and I too have been just as fearful that I might not make it. I am often, "of little faith." I see the waves and know that it will capsize me and fear that will be it...I won't be able to withstand another blow. But I always do. I am pushed down below the frightening waters, but always break the surface eventually. Then I am frustrated that I struggled against the help that was there all along. The hand that is outstretched to help me, protect me, and I am so busy searching for the surface I can't see it.

Hopefully next time I will calmly wait for that hand and know that it will come and that I can get battered with the strongest waves, but He won't leave me alone. That was never his design - for us to struggle alone. It is only my weakness that keeps me from Him.

Written words...

2011-08-31T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have a journal for all my kids. I start it before they are born. I probably have mentioned this before...

Last night I picked up Emmy's journal and wrote in it. Then I picked up Bryce's. After I had written in his I turned back the journal to before Declan died. I read what I wrote about the coming baby. My heart stung as I read the passages.

Then I picked up Declan's journal. I had started it when I was 27 weeks pregnant with him...which is a late start for me usually. The first passage talked about the surprise he was meant to be...we had opted not to know what gender he was. I written about my love of the name Declan...and I didn't have a girl named picked out. I knew in the deepest crevices of my heart...he was a boy. I began to sob. I read on and had written about how I couldn't wait. Then at 33 weeks I stopped writing, I must have been distracted. The next entry was on the day of Declan's funeral.

I spent the time from his death to his funeral expressing my feelings here...in the blog. But the night of the funeral I curled up in my in-laws basement and composed the feelings of my broken heart. It was really hard to read. I still can't believe it really happened sometimes.

We have the audio of the funeral, but I have kept it safely stored in Declan's box...I can't yet. Maybe next year.

I laid in bed thinking about the last year last night. The roller coaster of emotions that I have been trapped on...begging to get off.

Since Declan died we have done several balloon releases. I love balloons. Something about them is cheerful though the reason for releasing them isn't. Even at the funeral I remember feeling lifted slightly by the balloons lazily drifting off to who knows where.

The only problem with a balloon is...it doesn't last. So when I was at the store I found plastic balloons. Perfect! I have three for Declan's grave. Then I got one for Bryce's room and I want to get a pink one for Emmy's room.

This is Bryce's:

I haven't hung it in Bryce's room yet. I need to get a hook for it. But I plan to hang it by the shadow box of Declan in his room.

As hard as it is to reread my journal entries about Declan, I am grateful I have them. If I hadn't started with Bryce, writing before he was born, I may not even have anything recorded about my feelings for my sweet babies...especially Declan. It makes me think that I need to always keep a record...not just here...so I never forget thoughts that I've had...there is healing that takes place when I am able to relive those feelings.

One more month...

2011-08-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling rather tired...but other than that...okay. We struggled to get the kids ready on time so that we wouldn't be late to church. As we pulled up I hopped out and started to walk with Bryce. Christian followed with little Emmy a minute behind.

I walked through the glass doors when my eyes fell upon a tiny baby wrapped in a blanket...not just any blanket, the exact blanket I snuggled around my sweet baby's body before burying him. I literally opened my mouth and mumbled out loud, "Ouch..." as my heart felt pierced; unknowingly by the man holding his sweet and completely innocent child.

My mind reeled as I found a seat and waited for Christian. When he was securely in his seat I asked him if he saw the baby. He said he vaguely remembered seeing the infant. I looked toward the open door to the foyer and gestured. His eyes followed and found the baby in the polka-dot blanket we have come to love and know well.

He gave me a sad look and said, "I'm sorry."

I wasn't sure what to expect after that. Part of me zoned out and I found myself wanting to be home curled up in my bed with my own polka-dot blanket I have to match Declan's.

The last hour of church we meet as men and women separately...we call our meeting Relief Society. It was there a wonderful woman, whose sister died as a baby, shared sweet words of encouragement to me. After the heartache I had endured today...it was the balm that healed that wound. Out of all the days she could have talked to me, I know she was prompted to share this day...because I needed it.

As the year approaches, both Christian and I are feeling the longing increase. We both are so grateful for Declan, but miss him terribly. I am so very, indescribably, grateful for Christian. He shares his thoughts and feelings freely about Declan...which help me heal in the process. It helps me feel not so alone during my longing for Declan.

As the world continues and babies are born...extremely frequently around us...it sometimes feels overwhelming. I have such mixed feelings: a tiny-itsy-bit jealous, mostly worry while they are pregnant, gratitude that it worked out for them, joy that they get to be with their sweet baby, and a sprinkle of longing for my own sweet boy.

I was thinking the other day, as I smelled something that reminded me of a perfume my mom was wearing when we were making funeral arrangements, that in one day everything that I worried and considered my worst nightmare, during pregnancy, came true. The c-section alone was hard for me to deal with...and as I told Bryce today when he asked why Declan was born that day, that I was willing to do it to save Declan's life. So I hurried and prayed as my mind slipped away with the anesthesia...then awoke to excruciating pain and a broken heart.

It almost seems like a dream...something I concocted in my mind. Sometimes I sit and study his pictures worried that sometimes I have just associated his name with the severed part of my heart. He was my sweet boy...one that I worked very hard to get here safely...and it didn't work.

Sometimes I think I kid myself thinking that I'm in charge. If I just put in the effort I can will anything to happen. Losing Declan was a rude awakening. I can try all I may, but if it isn't meant to be...it won't.

All I have left of this first year without Declan is a month. One tiny little month. I keep thinking about what I was doing last year right now. I looked up my private blog and this was my entry last year this exact day:

Why is it when you look forward to something it goes so quickly? Each week as Friday approaches I gear up for a nice weekend. Then I blink and there it goes whizzing by and I'm left wondering where it went. This weekend has been too speedy for my liking.

Christian and I actually got a lot accomplished today. But we did have some fun down time with the kids. I snapped these photos with my cell phone of Christian and Emmy. Emmy was insistent that Christian wear Mr. Potato Head's glasses. Poor Christian almost lost an eye. But Emmy kissed him better.

My exciting Saturday night has so far consisted of putting the kids to sleep, waiting for Christian to finish up pest control, and trying to ignore the fairly painful contractions I am feeling. (I don't remember them hurting like this with the other two) But hopefully we can curl up and watch the movie that took me an hour to figure out how to Clear Play. haha. (I thought I had it down but it started acting up on me)

It's strange how a little perspective changes everything. I apologize for looking back and reminiscing. As my year approaches, I can't seem to help it.

Happy 11th months Declan!

Another Tuesday...

2011-08-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

5 days...he would be 11 months. One more month and he would be a year. Where did that year go?

Lately I feel no matter where I turn suddenly something will tug on my heart. I went to the library with Emmy and we sat on a couch as she handed me books to read to her. She hopped up next to me as she handed me a book with bears. Thinking nothing of it I opened it up and began to read. The book was about three little bears...no Goldilocks...and they wondered how their mom and dad loved all of them. The bears were two boys and a girl. They were even arranged boy, girl, and the baby was a boy. The similarities to my own children started to creep into my mind...but I pushed it away. Then I read to Emmy how the littlest bear was concerned that because he was the smallest that maybe he wasn't special...I almost started crying. It was a little kid's book and I'm getting completely teary eyed in the library.

Times such as these are always surprising me. I have no idea why...after a year of them I should be used to them...but I'm not.

I went to the store last night to grab something. As I parked I half glanced at the sign stationed in front of the parking spot next to mine. "Parking for Expectant Mothers and Mothers with Infants."

A pain seared in my heart. I was confused why that would bug me...even if Declan had lived he certainly wouldn't be with me on my small trip. But it did.

It's Tuesday again...another week gone. I think Tuesdays are always going to be different for me...from now on. The funny thing is I still remember that Bryce was born on a Wednesday. But I have no idea what day of the week Emmy was born...I just looked it up...it was a Tuesday. Weird.

Lately, Bryce has asked me a lot about Declan. The other day he asked if Declan was sick when he died. I told him about his heart and then it ended up stopping. I could see the pain in his eyes and the worry he felt for his little brother. "Awww...that's sad."

With tear filled eyes I answered, "Yes it is."

Sweet Bryce never fails me. He always is willing to talk about Declan. He wants to understand and he asks many questions. I seem to have to repeat many thoughts over and over so, lately, it has worked out nicely.

As hard as it has been to teach such young children about loss and death...because they are very young they have such a different perspective. They will grow up knowing about Declan...he has become a part of their lives now and I hope forever...which is very special to me.

Over Bryce's bed...where Declan's crib was meant to reside...hangs a shadow box of Declan's things. Sitting on top of this shadow box is his tiny bear the hospital gave us. Once in a while I walk over and clean the dust off the bear. It frustrates me when I see dust on it...I still can see his little tiny arm wrapped around the body of the little bear.

Another Tuesday...another day...but he is never far from my thoughts.

It surprises me...and it shouldn't....

2011-08-18T09:40:00.000-07:00

To say the last few weeks have been rough is an extreme understatement. Stressed does not even begin to explain the way I have been feeling. At my lowest point, I felt I had been kicked in the gut...now I am standing up trying to find the fight; not to curl in a ball and ignore the world.

I have prayed earnestly for help...relief...and maybe just strength to endure. It still amazes me in my darkest hour there is always a text, phone call, email, or facebook message that touches my soul. I feel bad that it still surprises me...it's not as though I think badly of people...(At least I hope not)...I just can't believe they are still thinking about me. I realize people have their own lives...sorrows...and hectic schedules...so when people stop what they were doing even for a moment to make sure I'm okay...I...don't even know how to express how humbling that is.

A year ago I was huge, pregnant, and dying of heat. I had no idea how much people would rally for me. I was unaware of the life change event that was just weeks away. Seeing from this side of things, I can't believe how my perspective has been altered.

I guess I am a pessimist or felt very insignificant in this life...because I never felt very interesting or important to people. When people started to tell me how sorry they were...I was so grateful. I thought it would fade after a few weeks...but it hasn't.

I was talking to my friend, who lost her baby girl just before Declan died, and she said another angel baby mommy was asked what she wanted...her response..."I just want you to remember."

I want that too. I just want Declan remembered...that he mattered. That has been given to me. I thought I would be sitting here, about now, thinking...no one thinks about it anymore. But that's not true.

I hope she doesn't mind, but I received this poem from my cousin (well she's married to my cousin, but she's still my cousin) and I got it on a day I really needed it. It is beautiful and made me cry because she actually sat down and thought of these touching words:

Cuddle my mommy

She’s sitting in that rocker
She’s holding my teddy bear
She’s wishing she could have done something more
She’s wishing I was somehow there

She doesn’t know why I was taken so soon
Why I was not given more time
I know I’m in a better place now
But that doesn’t ease the pain of mine

I want to run in and hold her close
And tell her it’s all okay
I know I can no longer do that now
I just wish there was another way

I’m trying to hold onto her heart
And she’s trying to hold onto me
I’m not asking much, just one small thing
Can you please, just cuddle my mommy!

-Laura

I hope everyone knows how much I am grateful for everything they do for me. It does not go unnoticed.

Only a few weeks separate me from Declan's first birthday...I don't even know how I feel about it. It is so strange a year has passed.

I read a blog today about a little boy who died of SIDS just exactly two weeks after Declan died. He was the cutest little boy. Listening to his mother's pain-filled words touched my heart. I thought of how devastated I already was when that sweet boy left his parents. So many broken hearts. My friend just reached a year after her sweet sister-in-law, Natty, died of cancer in her early 20s. (Click here for her story)

Apparently I am in a song dedicating mood, this song is for everyone who's heart is hurting right now...

Where do I go?

2011-08-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like the world is spinning and when it stops nothing makes sense? It is as if you've been dropped into "Wonderland."

Today I feel like everything I thought, in one regard, has been tossed to the wind. Where do I go now?

Do I make my feelings known?

How do I express myself in a non-aggressive manner, when I have so many thoughts bouncing around?

I'm confused.

Have you ever felt that you have tried so hard in something and then someone disregard everything?

I'm positive I am not alone in feeling that. I think the lack of appreciation is a difficult obstacle to overcome. I heard once in a business class that they have done studies and actually found that people will work for less money if they feel they are appreciated...that was more important.

I suppose appreciation isn't a guarantee...and that has to be okay...or it can eat a person inside.

I need to clear my head and pray that I can express myself appropriately.

I hope that I have been as appreciative as I should be to those around me. I know that at times I am a grouchy wife that needs to humble herself and look my sweet hubby in the eye and tell him, "Thank you so much."

I have been so distracted lately with school and missing Declan I haven't expressed my appreciation as much as I probably should.

Let me just say, thank you to all my friends. You all have made this last year bearable. It helps when I feel that I am not alone...that I have support from those around me.

I am most appreciative of my sweet husband...who lets me cry, ask the same questions over and over, get upset, wonder, and then kneel beside me as I pray for guidance. You are more than I deserve. Your quiet patience keeps me in perspective.

Ever since Declan died I have tried to approach each day as though it were my last. I sometimes lay in bed and watch Christian's amazing face sleep. The soft sounds of his breathing are soothing to my aching heart. If that was ever removed I am not sure what I would do, but I don't ever want to regret. I want to spend each day knowing that I gave it my all...that he and my kids knew that I loved them...nothing doubting.

I dedicated a song to my sister on Sunday and now I'd like to dedicate one to Christian. This is for you and I hope that I never have to find out what life would be like without you...

Strength...

2011-08-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

When I was a child I had one person I looked up to the most...my older sister. Many times I remembered wishing I looked like her and wanting to be closer in age to her. We were four years apart in school which meant we hardly really went to school together.

I remember my only year going to school with my older sister was when I was a little kindergartener...and she was in 4th grade. Before school we were allowed to play on our designated playgrounds...the kindergarteners were given little freedom and only allowed on the black-top.

I remember sneaking over to the swings and swinging with my sister. It was the highlight of my day. I struggled going to school and wanted just to spend a few moments with her. Then one day I was reprimanded for going off the kindergarten section. I was forbidden to go back to the swings with my sister. I was sick. I remember looking over forlorn at the swings wishing I was given permission to go with my sister.

My sister has always been an example to me. When we were teenagers we were best friends. I mourned her when she went off to college and then eventually married. I remember crying in the bathroom at her Wedding Breakfast feeling I had just lost my best friend.

Little did I know that our friendship would grow even more. The difficult events of our lives would draw us closer.

My sister's heart was broken and because of that she was able to show me the path when my heart was broken in a completely different way.

The strength that she has mustered makes my respect for her grow.

Sometimes I think about when we were little girls and how we had no idea what was in store for us. Did we know that burdens we would have to carry?...the tears we would shed?...seeing the hand of our Savior?...the peace given to those who suffer?

I suppose I knew, and probably she did too, that we would have difficulties in our lives, but I dare say not the ones we were given.

Standing on this side of our struggles life is different, there is no going back to the old us, but the strength that has risen is a gift. I glance back sometimes knowing that I won't be that girl ever again. I see that in my sister. She will no longer be the same girl that I swung on the swings with in kindergarten...she is so much more.

I love you Kar, and I am sorry...not sorry of what you've become, which is truly amazing, but rather that you had to have a broken heart that I'm sure is difficult to mend. I know your heart has so much more love in it since it was shattered. As it has started to piece together you have become more empathetic and understanding. Thank you for allowing me to share my pain with you even though it can't be easy for you either. I know this day will always hold a special place in your heart...and it does for me too. I love you and think of you often.

I want to dedicate this song to my sister who taught me the only way I will be able to get up and move forward is through our Savior from her amazing example...

Parenting...

2011-08-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

Lately, probably because my oldest is in school now, I have felt so much more enjoyment when I get opportunities with my children. Yesterday was a wonderful day. My sweet Christian went and had lunch with Bryce. It meant so much to him...well both of them...but especially Bryce. Christian grilled up two hamburgers and then hurried over to surprise who I affectionately call, "Little Sir."

After school we all picked him up...where he proceeded to tell us about his day. When we got home we worked on homework. I made him his favorite, a paper airplane and we had a competition.

When it was time for bed usually Christian puts Bryce to bed and I handle Emmy. But we switched last night. As I laid next to Bryce we laughed as I almost fell off the bed. Then we read an e-book and hugged him goodnight. He struggles sleeping so lately I have downloaded books for him on my Mp3 player and got speakers for him to fall asleep to "The Hardy Boys."

I told him how much I loved him and replied with a smile on his face, "I love you too."

I don't think any words could be grander to a parent.

I almost spilled a few tears as I walked to Emmy's room where Christian was taking his time getting her to bed. Once she was actually laying down she begged Christian for a song. She told him the song she preferred and then the song began. I really wish I had a video camera just then, I probably should have ran and gotten it, but I didn't want to miss a moment.

Watching Christian sing the "Duck song" that Emmy requested was one of those moments I will carry my whole life. They both flapped their arms and sang together. Emmy even instructed him that he wasn't flapping just right...Christian obliged.

I laughed the whole time. I love the times our family connects and enjoys each other. It's as though we have a peek into the wonderful peaceful nature of Heaven.

As we left Christian went to say goodnight to Bryce...but he was completely out.

These are the memories I know I will remember when my kids are grown and out of the house. I know these times as they are little are and will always be precious.

I'm not sure if I'm just nostalgic because I realize how fast I grew up as I feel it was just yesterday I went to my first day of kindergarten or if watching my youngest sister get ready to go off to college in a few weeks, but I certainly am eating up the moments when they are little. There were moments it was really slow, but kindergarten to my senior year was collective lightning fast.

Emmy got out of bed and told us she was scared. I cuddled her up and snuggled her close. Remembering how scared I got when I was little came back to my mind. I buried my face into her little golden curls. I assured her that I would always keep her safe. Then she said, "The Grinch is going to take me away."

Though I knew she wasn't in any danger, my heart cried out in pain and my mind reeled thinking if she ever was taken. I shutter to even say it. I put the thought from my mind and curled up with my sweet daughter. I wish there was a way that would never happen to anyone.

As I thought about the day as I laid in bed I whispered to Christian how wonderful it was. I have loved Christian so long I feel it has been my whole life...but as we experience all these things together...I am always amazed (which I shouldn't be by now) that my love for him can increase.

I love that he has invested his time and love into our relationship, but also in our children...the tangible expressions of our love. He is the sweetest dad to our children.

New understanding...

2011-08-09T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have had the same phone for a long time now. Yesterday I just happened to look through my videos and found these three videos:

My heart ached in my chest as I watched...my pregnant belly with Declan inside.

I had forgotten how little Emmy was when I was pregnant. She absolutely loved the "baby in my mommy's tummy."

I remembered being frustrated because I didn't have the energy to clean up the house (that's why there's laundry everywhere in the video) and how rotten I always felt. Now I wish I had better and more video of my pregnant tummy with Declan.

I had completely forgotten I had taken this video. Though it's not even good quality it is precious to me.

Sometimes it feels as though Declan was just a distant memory...it is hard to believe that it happened less than a year ago. My journey to this day was long and rough. I feel as though I was pregnant so long ago...though I know it wasn't.

I found other videos with this...Emmy's first birthday for instance...

I spent yesterday morning moving my videos to my computer. It was therapeutic to place them inside their special folder. All those random moments that I happened to catch on video. Snapshots into our daily life before everything started to crumble around me. Even though the video isn't wonderful, I can hear our voices...especially my sweet children.

Another week has passed.

My friend is approaching her sweet Addi's year this Saturday. It has been wonderful and heartbreaking to have her there for me...her heart had to be smashed to understand when mine was. I am so grateful for her and her willingness to share her feelings about Addi with me. I know there is a reason we happened to be in the same place when our babies left us only 6 weeks apart. It still baffles my mind that it really happened.

I am sorry my friend, but I know the strength that has emerged from you. Addi didn't just want to come and get a body, she wanted you as her mom.

Thank you for seeing through your own grief to be there for me. This isn't something that is easy to comprehend, I know I didn't quite understand until happened to me. It has been such a blessing to have such strong women walk a similar path as me and help me know that I can continue on and not just sit down and give up.

Today I am in a good place. I've been sad, but not destroyed any more. Hope is always lingering not far from me. I know that Declan knows that we love him. I am sure of that. My kids bring him up every day...especially Bryce. It is a blessing because I never want them to forget that it happened...not that they probably could. I want them to feel their brother's presence in their lives...always.

For my anniversary last month Christian and I got matching dog tags:

The small one says: "Our Love's forever"
The large one has the Chinese symbol for "Son"

I appreciate Christian always allowing me to talk of Declan and paying tributes to him. It helps me heal and feel validated. He has been such a support to me. I would be so lost without him. He his very mindful of my aching heart. I don't know how I became so blessed to have him in my life.

I don't know

2011-08-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not a natural at teaching. When I get in front of a group 99.9% of the time my mind becomes blank and suddenly I am wondering what in the world I was supposed to be saying.

I've been teaching for 7 months now. It is not an easy road for me. I worry and fret that my inefficiencies will cause those participating in the meeting to not receive what they came to partake.

Lately I've been wondering, "Can I actually be getting worse?"

The wonderful women I'm teaching are so supportive and sweet to me. Not once have I felt they looked at me and thought, "Oh maybe she'll do better next time."

I, however, think, "I should be improving, right?"

My nerves get the best of me and I am very frustrated that the feelings of my heart are so difficult to articulate as dozens of eyes are upon me.

I know however that the Spirit fills in where I lack...and I am grateful. I know I've been asked to perform something that is very difficult for me, but I'm not left alone up there.

I lately have felt very overwhelmed, not just with teaching. So many things seem to be bombarding me from all angles. I went to lunch with a friend and she shared she had felt the same way. She told me that she decided to read the story of Job. I have meant to read it for myself, but her words touched me deeply. Job had lost everything...and yet he was still loved of the Lord. Just because I feel I am asked to carry burdens I haven't wanted, doesn't mean that there is no purpose in it.

I hope I can set aside today and read the story of Job. I still have so much to feel blessed. I have so much and need not worry about what has been taken.

Life is rough. It batters us as we go through it. But it also is sweet and lovely. Sometimes I catch myself staring out at the sunset and thinking how strange it is to feel good after everything that has devastated me.

I have noticed tender mercies along the way that I may not have otherwise.

Job had everything taken from him...and then when it looked like it couldn't get any worse he was covered in boils. At that point I would be calling it quits. I think I would look heavenward and wonder what I had done to deserve such pain.

I have often thought...well it can't get any worse...but it can. Instead I would like to think, it isn't as bad as I thought.

We received a phone call today from Christian's sister. Their dad is in the hospital as I write this. We have prayed for his speedy recovery and hope that he feels the love of his family. When I picked up the phone I had no idea that the news would be about anything upsetting. Hearing someone is in the hospital is never fun...but lately I get a little panicky when I hear about hospital visits. I know I need to let go of the worry that when someone in my family goes to the hospital that something very bad might happen...but it's difficult.

Fresh air...

2011-08-02T23:38:00.000-07:00

The last two days have felt at least a century each. Watching my little boy go to kindergarten was difficult, but having him struggle was very spirit crushing.

The first day Bryce seemed sad...but I could tell he was trying to keep his chin up and not cause a scene. But when I picked him up he was a mess...emotionally and literally.

I had stupidly put in a yogurt that I froze into his lunch. Bryce is used to eating these frozen, but it thawed and I thought he would be fine, but somehow between the squishy yogurt and the broken arm...an explosion. I cringed as he relayed the event to me after school.

Then the begging began..."I don't want to go to school. I want to stay here with you. Can't I stay with you?"

After a little chatting he confessed he missed us too much. My heart felt stabbed. How do you shove your kid out the door when he just wants to be with his family?

Well knowing he needed to give it a try, I asked him to give it a week. He reluctantly agreed...but forgot about a hundred times.

This morning he drug his feet...eating, taking a bath, getting dressed...we almost were late. I was so flustered.

Then it came time to say goodbye. He held onto Christian so tight his teacher had to practically rip him off his dad. Christian looked like he had been slapped in the face. It hurt to have to walk away from our son crying in his classroom.

All day I worried. What if he was miserable? What if he won't eat? What if...

I got absolutely nothing done. I snuggled on the couch with Emmy and wanted to cry all day.

Then the dreaded time to find out...picking up Bryce. I was almost sick to my stomach. As I neared his classroom I worried he had struggled all day. I almost didn't want to know. When I poked my head inside he was sitting and waiting with his backpack.

His teacher told me he was fine and tried so hard. They had cut out pictures today and he had persevered with his poor broken arm. I was so proud of him. We went home and played a bingo game and then popped popcorn and watched a movie. Then I made him a heart-shaped pizza and off to bed.

It was really fun to spend time with him. The night before he had been nervous and not himself. Tonight...all smiles. He had told me about PE and the friends he talked to. It was so cute.

I have never prayed so much during the day as I have today. Every hour or two I would say a prayer that Bryce would feel comfortable. I didn't expect my prayer to be answered so quickly, but how grateful I am! It was agony thinking of how long this would continue.

Memories came to mind today...Christian and I have only had one gym membership since we have been married. When Bryce was about one we decided we would go to the gym and play raquetball. When we found out we had free daycare we were very excited. The first day, Bryce seemed a little nervous, but nothing too serious. The next time, he was crying when we got to the door. Then the third time, he was screaming when we got into the hall of the daycare.

I was concerned his dislike of school might keep progressing...it doesn't seem so. It's like a breath of fresh air has surrounded me. I cannot express how much it has helped.

If I had my way Bryce would be home schooled. I hate to have him go...but I feel it is good for him to learn to make friends and some independence...but it is for his benefit, not to get rid of him for a few hours.

I often think about how difficult it is to do things for your kids and put away your own feelings. Things that are under the category, "Good for them" is becoming my least favorite saying. It starts when they do the PKU in the hospital, and in my case a bloodsugar test on Bryce. I still can remember the snap of the lancet slamming into my baby's heel and then the one second delay for it to register that it hurt. The scream unleashed and tears pricked my eyes. Though I knew he needed to be checked, it was not okay that he was hurt.

I suppose that is how our Heavenly Father feels. He watches us struggle and have difficulties, not able to wrap His loving arms literally around us...and many turn from Him. How hard that must be for Him to see us suffer, though He knows it is for our good.

I know there's a reason I am asked to go through this struggle. I know my Father in Heaven cares that I suffer. I feel often the reassurance that He is aware of me and that it isn't in vain. How I wish I always had understood that.

The comfort and peace I receive is a result of a loving Father in Heaven and Savior. I know that they are concerned for me as they are for everyone. Just as a baby cuddles up and feels peace when reassure that though they hurt momentarily - now everything is okay. I also feel that feeling after many tears are shed...as though a cuddly blanket has been placed over me and the world is now fuzzy.

A new day...

2011-08-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

Today was...rough. I sobbed so hard when I pulled away in the car from my kindergartner's school. I kept thinking how did 6 years go that fast?! It's rather insane!

I have an amazing hubby. Christian was a sweetheart. He helped me out today. He went with me. He distracted me by taking me to work...well sort of...I just went along for the ride while he checked out an account. It was much needed.

I have worried and fretted about this day for...6 years. I especially have since Declan died.

I really don't enjoy my kids away from me. Yes today was more quiet, yes I could talk to Christian without interruption, but it wasn't the same. I like the craziness of my kids. It's hard, but I love it.

I have only 18 years with him before he goes off into the world. Maybe I'm overly clingy, but I can have a break then.

I have one shot at my kids being little now. I want to soak it up, not regret anything.

Once in church when I was first married, a sweet elderly man stood and spoke. He shared his sweetheart had just left him and went to Heaven. I remember thinking how cute this snowy haired man was. Then he said something that has stuck with me...

"When I was raising kids I would get so frustrated. Looking back I wish I would have just enjoyed the ride."

I have tried to do that...failed miserably, but kept trying. I'm still nothing close to where I want to be...but Declan has given me a peek into how quickly life can change...and I don't want any regrets. I don't want to look back and think I should have spent more time with my kids. Why was I in such a hurry for them to get older?

I'm sure you all are much better at seizing the moment...but I haven't been and hopefully I can be.

I found this video the other day, I love it...I hope you do too. It helped me through my struggle of Declan's 10 months, Bryce's broken arm, and Bryce going to school today.

10 months...

2011-07-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dearest Declan,

Ten months...this would be your milestone today. I spent the day playing with your brother and sister. I miss you terribly. Emmy found Bryce's baby blanket today. Bryce assured me that your blanket looked just like his. I know how much he loves you and thinks about you.

As Bryce goes off to school, please watch out for your big brother. I hate to see him go. I have major attachment issues now. I don't want to say goodbye to the time together we have had. We could go anywhere and do anything...no schedules.

Today I sat on the couch and glanced at the empty rocking chair I bought for your arrival. I pictured holding your chubby body in my arms and smiling down at you as we rocked. Your blue? eyes looking up at me. (Maybe your dad's beautiful aqua eyes) Even though sometimes it hurts my heart to see that chair, I can't get rid of it...I was so excited to have it...to share it with you. Someday, maybe I will rock your little brother or sister in it...and think of you.

I watched a show where a dad was sweetly talking to his little boy. I almost forget that babies are that cute. I usually zone out around babies so I don't hurt too bad, but every once I watch a sweet little baby and it's almost too much. How did I not notice how precious they are before? Maybe it has been enough years I don't remember, but just even baby movements are an amazing sight. I'm sure it is due to my inability to see you move, smile, or anything.

Well my precious boy, I probably should close before I start sobbing uncontrollably. I am thinking about you tonight and aching for you. How close we are to a year...it almost make me ill that it has been that long. You'll always seem like a tiny baby to me.

Say hi to Grandpa for me...I miss you both very much!

always,

Mommy

Growing up...

2011-07-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently Christian and I have only one mold...each of our kids has looked so much alike...even Declan. Sometimes I wonder if Declan would look just like Bryce did as a baby...all chubby and white blonde hair. I'm pretty sure he would...even Emmy has looked like a feminine version of her brother.

As Bryce approaches his first day of school I am heartbroken...I'm not ready. Really it's absurd considering we waited to send him...but I'm not.

The last 6 years have flown by...and now as I am trying to enjoy them more...they go faster! How unfair that is!!

Last night Bryce was in the ER getting his arm in a splint...he broke it. The poor buddy! As he laid in our bed and slept next to Christian my heart hurt...he's so little still. Though he has grown tall and no longer needs my help to do things, he's still so very little.

Now he looks even more little with his arm wrapped up.

I ran into a friend when we were school shopping. We both have kindergartners going to the same school. I voiced how sad I was and she echoed my sentiments especially since this was her baby. We might have to have a cry session together.

It is difficult to watch kids grow up...though it is so fun in the same breath. I love watching Bryce discover something else he can accomplish. It is exciting to see the anticipation build as they wait for something they want desperately. I know I will look back at all he's done and be so proud of him. I am already and he only has six years behind him.

Rain clouds...

2011-07-24T12:09:00.000-07:00

Supposedly I had a bad omen the day I got married...it rained. I don't believe in such nonsense, however it did make for an interesting day.

It was a beautiful day, we got out pictures and were just starting our reception when the wind started and then...rain. I had made peace the day before and knew that it was likely to rain. Ironically I had verbalized this worry months before, "What if it rains?"

I was told, "It doesn't rain in July."

Hmm...

As Christian and I greeted our guests in the wet weather I stood out in the rain in my wedding dress. I wasn't going to wear it again...and there was something very fun about being in the rain in a wedding dress.

Sometime into our reception a beautiful rainbow appeared...I called it my rainbow. It was meant for us...or so I liked to think.

Maybe our wedding day wasn't an omen, but rather symbolic...life isn't fair or easy. Though we try...we aren't perfect. Bad things happen sometimes...instead of good. Then just as all hope is lost...a beautiful rainbow...hope.

The other day it rained and an old friend came to visit...

I took a picture and looked up at it for several minutes. A smile crossed my lips as I was cheered from the presence of this beautiful sight.

I know why many angel baby mommies call the baby after their angel baby...a rainbow baby. The hope and excitement after the sorrow and longing...or the "storm."

I am yet to receive my rainbow baby...it hasn't been as easy as I would like. As I've said before...my patience level is VERY lacking. But I'm hopeful. I know someday I will get to have a baby in my arms. Apparently my Father in Heaven wants me to be more patient. So I am waiting...hoping...and trying desperately not to get discouraged...though that is a task in itself.

For now, I am grateful for the chance to be a mom of three wonderful children. Though I only hug, laugh and cuddle with two. I love them all more than I thought possible.

Someday my rainbow will come...and just as it brightened my dreary sky on my wedding day...

...maybe my rainbow might do so in my life.

Patience?

2011-07-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

When I was a teenager my friend's dad often teased her that in Heaven when they were handing out patience his daughter couldn't wait in line to receive it. I thought it was funny at the time, but I've come to realize that I was probably standing beside her and we decided to skip out early.

I'm impatient.

When I want something...why can't it be now?

I have a really hard time waiting to give gifts...often Christian has received his gifts several days early.

So when it comes to the important things...I'm not much better.

The saying, "Good things come to those who wait..." is very true, but I often don't heed that advice.

Christian on the other hand is VERY patient. So patient sometimes I want to pull my hair out. His methodical thinking and analyzing every side before acting is sometimes exhausting to me...but something I must learn.

Losing Declan was my first real wake up call...I'm going to have to wait to fully enjoy this child. What?!

That's a long time to wait...maybe in forever it doesn't seem so, but in my mortal mind...it's very, very long.

How can one develop patience...funny but I think it takes a while...so in-turn to become patient...I must be patient? Chicken and Egg dilemma?

I have often thought about our Savior...who is the most patient being. It is almost unfathomable how patient he truly is...always in control, never rash, unfair, or unreasonable. It is my quest to become better in that aspect...to take a breath, realize that I cannot make things happen in my own time, but must wait for His time. Knowing that everything has its season is easy to say, not so easy to actually implement in my life.

So whatever seasons are to come, I need to remember that is what my Father in Heaven had intended for me...and that is and must be okay.

Goodbyes...

2011-07-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

Grandpa,

Goodbyes are never easy. Though I know you are out of pain, for which I am very grateful, I will miss you. I am grateful that my kids were able to meet you and get to know you. I selfishly wanted to keep you here longer, but understand this is your time to move onto the next life.

I love you and always will...forever. You are in my heart.

always,

This is a video I made of my final goodbye to my grandpa:

Unsure what to say...

2011-07-19T02:32:00.000-07:00

9 years...

not terribly long in the grand scheme of things. To me the amount of years that I have been married...today.

58 years...quite a long time to most...especially as a length of a marriage.

Why am I reflecting on years? My grandpa passed away Sunday night. He and my grandma spent 58 years together...not including the years they knew each other before. They have memories dating back to elementary.

I got a phone call late Sunday night from my sister. As soon as I heard the phone ring...I knew. I picked it up and after a short conversation I hung up the phone. I whispered to Christian, "My Grandpa died." He sleepily told me he was sorry then fell back asleep.

I laid awake...picturing Christian and I in 50+ years...who would be the one to be left behind? I certainly hope not me. But as we never know quite how life is going to play out...who knows.

In the dark I stared off at the ceiling...picturing my sweet grandma no longer having my fun-loving grandpa at her side.

Though his passing was a relief to his poor broken body, it still tugs at my heart. As my mother-in-law said once about her own mother passing, who was very sick for many years, that a person can't prepare for a loved one passing even if it is long coming.

Since January I have waited for the phone call. It almost seemed as though it might never come...but alas it did. Grandpa is gone. It seems so surreal...especially being far away and unable to attend the funeral.

Random memories keep popping out of nowhere today...chocolate, chunk, chocolate ice cream...the flavor my grandpa knew I liked and had stocked in his freezer on several occasions anticipating my arrival. Bryce's last visit with my Grandpa...curled up asleep in his arms. Rodeos...my grandpa loved them. Horses...he owned some when I was very little and I loved to see them. "Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys playing on my grandparents record player (yes I know what a record player is)...I called it the "bomb bomb song," and was so amazed that my grandpa's deep voice could hit those bass notes.

So many memories...to me a lifetime of them...

Our last time seeing my grandpa in January...

Today as I celebrate 9 years with Christian, my heart is on my grandparents and their 58 years. Through all the bumps and disappointments that we all face I want to stay in love like my grandparents. I am grateful for their example and never ending love. How grateful I am for my Heavenly Father who provided a way for us to be together forever. This is not the end...rather just a stepping stone into eternity.

Family...

2011-07-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

We had the opportunity to have all of Christian's siblings and parents together the last few days. It was wonderful to see the nephew and nieces that I hardly ever see.

It was a fantastic trip. We got some sun, relaxed (as much as you can with 11 kids running around like crazy), and just enjoyed laughing together.

Every once in a while a pang...

I went to leave the large group to go to our room and looked at my two kids and felt I was forgetting someone. *Pang* Declan's missing.

In a crowd of people...feeling odd that it is so easy to watch my two kids when it should be a crazy juggling act...with a baby, toddler, and 6 year old.

I was grateful though. No tears. It was only a momentary sadness and I rebounded quite well.

I tried very hard not to think too much about watching my niece trying to take a few steps. I kept reminding myself...it's okay, he wouldn't be walking yet anyway. I repeated that over and over in my mind. Then the feeling passed and I continued to talk to my sister-in-law.

It gave me hope that I can continue on the path of healing and one day it will just be sweet feelings...no more pangs of the heart.

My adorable niece and Emmy

Refuge...

2011-07-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

Last night a terrible storm raged outside. The rain whipped so hard that it sounded as though it would break the glass panes of our windows.

I snuggled in bed grateful to be inside. Though my back hurt and I was in pain, I couldn't help thinking how terrible the storm was outside. Yet, my little family was snuggled in their beds warm and safe.

The storms of life batter against us all. Though some have reprieve for many years, others may have their storm rage many. During the storm we all instinctively protect us and our immediate family. Our prayers are filled with pleas of reprieve and help. Sometimes that help isn't as quick as we would like...sometimes we don't recognize that help has come. But it does come.

Soon we are in a protective shelter of our Savior. The storm batters outside as we are snuggled safely inside. Once in a while a window might break and we allowed to feel the elements again...but not quite to the capacity as standing outside. We quickly go to fix that broken window...we fear the pain and anguish that comes with it.

It's during these storms that I fear I am so distracted, watching for weaknesses in my shelter, that I do not look around me to see others hurting.

It is hard to know how to be helpful to those who suffer. Will my words hurt them more? Can I even do something to help? How can I have anything to comfort them when I have no idea what that feels like?...

I need to have the faith that whatever befalls me and hurts me that I can withstand it. I need not worry about my shelter...for the Savior is mindful of us. I need to focus on those around me that need me to reach out...for many times we are the instruments that are sent to soothe and comfort others.

How quickly I can become self absorbed into my own sadness...

As the storms rage I am determined not to allow them to distract. The key is to be at peace through life's storms...though it may be difficult and even a lifetime of learning...I have a perfect Savior, who understands all, to lean upon and petition for help so that the storms can have beautiful sunny days amongst the chaos.

Healing...

2011-07-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

I feel like the pressure that has constricted my heart and lungs has finally released. I am feeling the healing powers of the Atonement take over my sorrow. I still get sad. I will always miss Declan. But I am ready to live my life...really live it.

I have had Emmy use Declan's bedding since we lost him. Today I folded them up and placed them on her shelf. It was like a new beginning. I am ready to take Declan with me...and thrive.

The pieces of my heart are coming back together. As they mend I feel like they have been altered...never to forget how they shattered. I have peace that everything will be okay. The reassurance from my Father in Heaven that I can indeed enjoy life and keep Declan apart of me.

The ache in my heart has slowed...the healing balm is starting to take effect. I am very grateful for this. I want Declan's absence to create a better family in the wake of his death....not sink us.

My friend's little angel baby's birthday is tomorrow. My heart is with her as she remembers her little Kooper, who would be 3 tomorrow. I am so grateful for her. She has been there for me, listening to my whining, pain, and frustrations...understanding where I am coming from. Thank you Kami! You'll never know how much you have helped these past 9 months.

Gratitude...

2011-07-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

Hot pink?...baby pink?...balloons?...streamers?...or not? These were my thoughts at the store as I picked up decorations for my sweet Emmy's birthday. I was "in the zone" trying to figure out how to decorate. I finally grabbed a round tablecloth...pink. I grabbed pink plates and hurled them into the cart. The items started to pile up on Emmy. Suddenly she exclaimed, "Oh Mommy so cute!"

I smiled and said, "Emmy these are for your birthday."

"Oh, Mommy thank-oo. That is so sweet of you Mommy!" (Yes she actually said that)

I paused and laughed. It took me by surprise that she was so grateful. My heart never had been more proud of her. It made getting her party items that much more sweet for me.

Last night I was reflecting on this occurrence with Emmy...the thought popped into my mind..."Am I as grateful for the things that I have been given?"

I know I have begrudgingly thanked my Heavenly Father for certain things because they weren't just how I wanted them. I want to be grateful for everything that I have...not sitting there thinking about what I'd rather have, or "should" have. In a crazy world of entitlement, it is easy to get caught up in it. I don't need anything but the essentials. I am grateful for all the extras...cute pictures on my walls of my kids, a quiet and safe place to sleep, a computer to compose my thoughts, etc..I think you get the point.

Amazingly those who are closer to Heaven are the ones teaching those of us that are a little further from it. I am constantly reevaluating my life because of my kids. Having Declan in my life has brought me closer to Heaven. My sweet sister gave me a precious birthday gift reminding me of this very thought...a frame with the quote: "Because someone we love is in Heaven, we have some Heaven in our Home."

I am so grateful for Declan. He has given me a very different outlook on life...a tiny pinhole glimpse into Heaven. I know this will change my life forever. I know where I want to end up, now...not waiting to the end of my life to think about it. I have spent many hours since his death thinking about who I want to be and how I am going to accomplish it. Before it was lingering in my thoughts somewhere, but I never had "time" to think about it much. Now it's always on my mind.

Though I would never have picked this trial for myself right at this moment...I am grateful anyway. I didn't get the miracle I wanted. However I still received a miracle...it was meant for me. I am better...a mom, a wife, and an all around person...that was my miracle.

I am grateful for my Heavenly Father's understanding of me and my family. I am grateful for my Savior who extended His perfection to help save us all.

I'm good...

2011-07-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to even mention that I am at this moment in time...good. It seems that each time I say that...a huge tidal wave washes over me...but alas I am good and I want to relish in it for now.

The summer always has me reflecting on motherhood. I'm sure that is due to the fact that two of my kids were born in the summer and with Father's Day and Mother's Day...it just lends itself to these thoughts.

I have been very blessed. Having three children...is a blessing. Staying home with them...another blessing. I can't imagine where I'd rather be. I mean that. I'm not putting on a brave face and saying motherhood is wonderful...then secretly despising it. I really think about who I would be without my kids in my life...I'm certain it would not compare.

How grateful I am that I've been given the chance to be a mother. My heart goes out to every woman that wants to be a mother and not given the chance. My heart breaks for you!

The bombs bursting in my heart...

2011-07-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

Since Declan died I have wanted to get away as a family. It took 9 months, but we finally got to the beach. I was so excited to go. We packed up the kids and off we went to our little last minute adventure.

The weekend was fantastic...just what I needed. Then a small explosion went off in my heart...a beautiful pregnant woman was at the beach for her maternal photo shoot. I tried not to look at her exposed pregnant belly...but my eyes wandered to her roundness and my heart sunk.

I rallied and tried not to let it bother me. Every thing turned out fine. I went on my way and she on hers.

Then the next day I sat on the beach...my feet dug into the warm sand and more bombs burst inside my aching heart...my eyes kept finding babies. A little boy about Declan's age was screaming at the top of his lungs because he didn't want to have anything to do with the ocean waves coming near him. His mother and father trying desperately to calm his fears, but he was sure this was not what he wanted to do. Next, a pack-n-play with a sleepy baby inside...and so on.

My heart hurt so bad that I took my finger and wrote in the sand: Declan. Then I drew a little heart. The words came next: Miss you. I tried hard not to cry.

I glanced over at Bryce and Emmy who where playing with Christian. My heart sunk. He should be here. It had been Bryce's and Emmy's first time at the beach...and what would have been Declan's. When it was time to go I could hardly speak.

We drove quietly for a long time and then rolled down the windows in the car. It had rained and we were up the mountains. The damp air mixed with the wood aroma cheered me as I hugged my pillow. I inhaled slowly and tried to not focus on my loss. Declan is still my son. Even though we are separated right now...it is temporary.

We watched fireworks off in the distance as we drove home. As I watched the colorful explosions I thought how this should have been his first 4th of July. Then I thought of Bryce's first fourth of July. We had gone to a fireworks show and he had screamed so loud because the noise was too much for him...we ended up leaving early.

I told Christian that I'm ready for all the "firsts" to be over. Though the "seconds" and "thirds"...aren't perfectly fine either, I'm just ready for it not to knock me down each time we are supposed to be all together as a family...but we aren't. We're missing someone...and we always will...our family is incomplete here. When I watch my kids play with Christian I always think..."Where would Declan fit into this mix, if he were here?" I hope that the "firsts" are much harder than the rest of the time we are missing Declan. They can't get any worse I suppose...so that's good.

It was a fantastic trip filled with wonderful memories...I will treasure them all. I hope Declan was able to see his family enjoy the beach and remember him in the process:

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend....

My angel...

2011-06-28T11:36:00.000-07:00

Today would be nine months for Declan. It is strange that his only cousin his age has her 1st birthday today. I had been anticipating a hard day today. I thought I would be depressed, but strangely I forgot what day it is. My sister gave me a loving text telling me how she hoped today was good. I thought it was sweet, but didn't put together why she had sent it. I thought she had been telling me that because I am waiting for results back from my doctor to see if I am okay.

Then I got an email from a fellow angel baby mommy. She wished me a good day for Declan's 9 month angel birthday.

Oh, right. It's that day. The day I had been dreading. Hmm...that is strange I had even forgotten. Well I suppose that is good. I am having a relatively good day...other than the fact I am exhausted since my daughter is sick and not sleeping well...and other than the pain I still have from my c-section...I'm good.

I have a lot of peace and comfort today. I have been grumpy and extremely annoyed lately. So this is refreshing to no be throwing a childish tantrum every time I have a rough day. Luckily today is not that day...at least so far. I thought of doing a balloon release but my kids are sick and I figure we had one over Memorial Day. I think I'll wait for his 1st birthday.

Happy 1st Birthday Ashley! Happy 9 months my sweet angel! We miss you each day...and wish you were with us.

Sweet life...

2011-06-24T13:34:00.000-07:00

As grief comes in ebbs and flows I am constantly feeling better and then knocked backward. Each time I get frustrated, I want to make progress not continue to end back where I started. But I notice the time in between I am getting better; hope and peace are stronger.

Lately, I have been in a really bad place. After coming home from the funeral of my dear baby cousin I really struggled. But as I have prayed and expressed my need for help...it came. I am finally at peace after a few weeks of really struggling.

I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who is patient with me when I am constantly having to relearn too many times. I am grateful for my Savior who has suffered so greatly to be there for me in my own suffering...and even remove it, even just temporarily, when I finally come to Him and ask.

I am very grateful for a loving husband who is so very patient with his very crazy wife. He loves me through all the rough spots...all the heartache...all the frustrations that arise in my heart. He's been there through it all...motivating me and holding my hand to keep me from falling. I am so thankful to him. We are fast approaching 9 years of marriage. Each of those years have been treasured...though they were not all easy...they were so special to me. I am so grateful for a husband who cares so much about me that his philosophy of marriage is..."It is more important to be loving than right." I often fail in my attempts to live that way, but he patiently waits for me to understand.

Thank you my Loveish! I don't know quite how I would have been these last 9 years without you.

My Tuesdays...

2011-06-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Do I just become inspired on Tuesdays? Or do I just know that another week has gone by? Either way, it is Tuesday again...meaning Declan had been gone another week...how many? I don't know I stopped counting. I try not to count. Just like a watched pot takes forever to boil...a lifetime of ticking away the seconds thinking about Declan's absence cannot be anything but long and tedious.


The bear, hat, and outfit were give to us at the hosptial

Yesterday I felt inspired. I chatted forever with my sister about what to do for Declan's first birthday...which is fast approaching...weird I know. Anyway, as we talked I mentioned the gratitude I felt that the hospital had clothes for Declan. We had a bag packed at home, but that is where it stayed. In our grief and agony we never even thought to go get it. So after Declan's first and last bath a nurse came in with a big plastic bin filled with baby clothes. She allowed us to pick something. Half delirious from surgery Christian was the one who actually did the picking. I have been grateful for that service and have wanted to replenish what we took by bring clothes to the hospital on his birthday along with the blankets.

I decided to go into Bryce's room and into his closet where all my Declan stuff is stashed. I had bought a take home outfit that he was buried in and then ended up buying a replica...which since they had been in a package with more than one outfit I have duplicates now. So I pulled them out along with the newborn onesies that I had bought him.

I looked at the tagless onesie that revealed that it was Organic fabric. I had forgotten that I had actually gone to the lengths of getting Organic fabric for my newborn...only he didn't wear it or need it. My heart sunk. I gently folded them all and went downstairs to think. As I was staring at the onesies Christian asked me if I was okay. I explained how much thought I had put into his onesies and they still were perfect...never been worn. They should be stained and shoved in a box somewhere because he would be long grown out of them by now.

I've decided to donate most of his newborn onesies to the hospital - except of course the one in my shadow box and few others I love. They are sitting here on my desk...waiting for a grieving parent to put it on their lovely baby only to say goodbye hours later. Hopefully they will be a treasure to someone who was able to place it onto their baby, since to me it just sits and waits to be worn.

I am grateful for my family who is so willing to chip in and help with Memorials, balloon releases, and so much to remember our sweet Declan. My blanket project has become a family wide project. I have everyone thinking about it and willing to help or donate at any moment. I really appreciate that! Thank you my sweet family...and friends who have become like family. You all are dear to me. Remembering Declan is so important to me and I am so humbled and grateful it is to you as well.

Fathers...

2011-06-19T07:53:00.000-07:00

As Mother's Day was completely painful this year, I didn't really express my feelings on the subject. However now that it is Father's Day, I feel compelled to offer my thoughts about the fathers in my life.

My own dad, was the sweetest man on earth (well according to me of course). He was a father to four girls and other than escaping to his room to watch sports every once in a while, he handled it amazingly. My dad is tenderhearted and often shares is memories of the day we were born on our birthdays each year. I love that he cherishes life.

My grandpas were very different...but when it came to being my grandpa they both loved us granddaughters. At my older sister's baptism I had the rare occurrence of seeing them together and being only about four I felt they needed to introduced, not even considering that they had already met. My dad's father was born into a fun family that loved to laugh...and that carried on his whole life. He was active and loved sports. When it came to his grandchildren...he just adored us. He has always loved children and each of us have a special picture curled up with grandpa sleeping.

My mom's dad was a go getter. He can accomplish so many things it is quite amazing. As a kid somehow we started an inside joke about hugs. Since we lived far away I didn't get to give him hugs much so I would send the candy. So every once in a while I would give him a bag of chocolate hugs for any occasion.

I have been completely spoiled to have both my grandpas live till I was almost 30. As I am on the brink of losing one, it is unfathomable that I will be telling my kids about my grandpa and they might not remember him. Hopefully Bryce does...he had such a sweet relationship with my grandpa...loving watching games with him, teasing him when he was only 6 months old, and never having to start over when he saw him (which was usually the case when we didn't see relatives for a while).

Of course I couldn't forget my own sweet husband in the amazing group of men that surround my life. He is (according to me) the best dad ever! I have never met someone who loves kids more than Christian (well except my grandpa but they may be tied on that score). When we were only in high school I remember him sitting in the church while every child was surrounding him on the couch as he read to them. That has never changed. He brightens each of my children's lives for knowing him. He makes time for them and Emma and Bryce always come away feeling special.

I am so grateful for the fathers in my life. Thank you for all you do and who you are! You are such an example to those around you! Love you always.

Grumpy pants...

2011-06-18T09:38:00.000-07:00

The loudness erupting from their little mouth makes me want to childishly cover my ears and hum. Tantrums in my house end with a, "grumpy pants," declaration from me. One time when I had called Bryce, "grumpy pants," he looked at me with a smirk and said, "My pants are not grumpy!"

Since I cam back from my trip I have been...well grumpy. My kids should start calling me "grumpy pants."

I am trying to decipher the cause...what is bugging me so bad. Listing off the many possible causes I realized...maybe it was losing another baby in my family. I'm still unsure why that makes me frustrated. Maybe I didn't want this to happen to anyone...especially so soon after Declan. Maybe it reminds me that it possibly could happen to me again. Or maybe it was the final straw from all the awful events that have happened lately. Whatever the reason I have been struggling since I got back.

I wasn't mad after Declan. In fact I was quite surprised that I wasn't. I just felt peace, love, and wanted to be better. This time since I'm not in the epicenter of the grief, merely the out lying area, the peace and comfort afforded to the suffering couple isn't touching me like it did with Declan. Christian brought this to mind last night.

So I am hoping that is the reason. I don't want to ever be angry with Heavenly Father. I promised myself after Declan died that if I did get angry at him the comforting spirit is harder to feel. So I didn't...and it helped me so much to lean on my Savior and now I just need to do it again...only this time I have to seek Him out.

So if I have seemed harsh or frustrated, I apologize. I am just trying to figure out all this craziness. My mind and heart are overwhelmed. I know there are reasons for everything yet my heart is rebelling in pain.

I am hoping that I can overcome this with divine help.

Finding myself...

2011-06-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

"Finding myself" I know it seems cliche and quite honestly silly, but that's where I am right now. I handled everything that has been thrown at me and now I am trying to sort through it to find myself. I am unstacking all the information blocking my path and left with a mirror staring at the woman, unsure who she is.

A few years ago I would have told you exactly who Christy was...now I'm not so sure. I've changed, reformed, and been thrown into another life suddenly. I know I like this new Christy quite a lot...not that there were horrible defects of the old one. Yet the new Christy has something inside her the last one didn't...I feel it, yet unsure what it is.

I look at the woman in the mirror and want to ask her, "Now what?! Where do I go from here?" There are so many paths that I want to take and yet I have to pick one. Somewhere down the road they might merge, but I'm supposed to do it in a certain order?

It is inexplicable how much I want a baby in my home. Though many would think this was calloused or unnecessary of me now, it is hard if you haven't had to say goodbye to an infant to understand. I know 8 months doesn't sound long, but when you are missing someone it seems as though 8 years have passed. I want to see it happen again. Hold my precious baby that Christian and I helped create. Show my children that they will be able to play with their own baby and not just watch others enjoy theirs. To have that little piece of Heaven in my home...that I was looking forward to... I know I'm young and it can happen, but does that mean my pain should be ignored because of that? I realize it's hard to see from the outside in but it hurts every time people tell me, "It hasn't been that long." "Oh you have plenty of time to have more." "You need to give your body time to heal." I know people aren't trying to rip my heart out, but I don't need a lecture just empathy.

I really am trying to be patient and wait for the day that Heavenly Father will bless our home with a baby (my brain understands, but heart is struggling to keep up). My overwhelming need to bring a baby here is hard for me to sort through. Even if this isn't the time it's hard...hearing the answer, "No," to something that you want desperately is heart wrenching.

This being one of the many paths ahead of me, it's hard for me to sort through the wants, needs, and what Heavenly Father wants from me. They are all swirling around me and I am just trying to snatch what I can...only I am coming up empty handed and honestly broken hearted.

Lately, I want to send up the surrender flag and beg for mercy...I can't do this anymore. My heart can't take any more fractures. Tonight was one of those nights...nothing went my way and suddenly everything hit me.

After a light workout I was listening to a song and then the words, "you can't give up..." penetrated my thoughts. My mind instantly traveled back to Christian's marathon where he thought he wouldn't finish...but he trudge along and even hobbled across the finish-line...but he finished. Sometimes I forget that I need to finish my race...even if I don't make it the way I want...I need to finish. Jesus Christ can fill in the gaps...which will always be there no matter who crosses that finish-line.

I need to push past the hopelessness that I feel weighing me down...and know that I have a little boy that is pleading for me to stand back up when life shoves me down and keep running even when it hurts so much I don't know how I'll continue.

I am constantly learning the same principles over and over. Talking with my mother-in-law she shared with me that we do have to relearn things, even when we think we have mastered them. I really don't like having to do that...but I suppose it is for my own good. It humbles me. It reminds me that I am not perfect and am in need of teaching.

Words aren't enough...

2011-06-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

As I previously have shown, I got a metal piece for Declan's grave...to hang decor on. I spent forever at the store with my kids, mom and sister picking it out. I then spent weeks getting everything just right at his grave. After emotionally watching the place...that was much easier to spot...I tearfully drove away to go home.

Once I was at home I was informed that the metal piece and the beautiful balloons I had placed on it were ripped out and thrown away. My parents tried to rescue it from dumpsters...wow yes I can't believe how sweet it was for them to dumpster dive...but it was gone...and my heart was broken.

I felt sick for a day and then concluded that Declan really doesn't care what I put there just that I have bothered to decorate. I know it means something that we pay respects, but the little objects are just that...objects.

So I went on my merry way...okay not so merry...and put a brave face on. I happened to mention to my sister about the removal of my things.

Today I received a text: "Guess what?!" from my sister. I had no idea so I merely answered lamely, "What?"

Then my phone rang and it was then my sister told me she got Declan's decorations back. Standing in the middle of Target I misty eyed listened to how my sister had called the city and several others and hunted down the beautiful metal piece that I had so lovingly picked out for Declan.

I thanked her, but words didn't seem like enough. I couldn't believe she had done that. As I hung up the phone I tried really hard to keep my emotions in check...I have cried enough at stores and am pretty sure people are going to start calling me the "emotional" woman.

I am very grateful to my beautiful sister...thank you Kae! You mean so much to me...more than the beautiful decoration you rescued, the fact that you cared enough to do it was truly amazing!!

Flood Gates...

2011-06-14T00:23:00.000-07:00

Apparently since my silence I am no longer able to be quiet here on my blog. I took three pinwheels away from Declan's grave to bring home with me. They were tiny and represented each of my children one being blue, another green, and the final purple.

I was not really thinking much when I tossed them into my purse. The shuffled of everything in and out of the car from the hotel caused my purple one to break. I stared at the shards left of the broken stick...a lump formed in my throat.

"Why are you sad?" Bryce asked me.

"This was special to me. It was on Declan's grave. I wanted to take it home with me." I choked out.

As silly as it sounds, I was quite saddened by my broken pinwheel. Emmy and Bryce assured me we could fix it. I smiled and told them it was okay. It could be replaced.

I suppose grief is very similar to the broken pinwheel. Those around us want to help, soothe, and remove the burden placed on their loved one. But the problem...it can't be fixed. Just as the stick would never be the same, even if we glued it as Bryce informed me, we are forever changed by the absence of someone. That of course doesn't mean that life no longer matters or is from this day on horrible forever...

Knowing first hand that the trial placed in my path will forever impact the rest of my life. Would I have chosen it?...well from this point of view...probably not. But now that is has been handed to me and there's no way around it?...I am strangely grateful for it. I wouldn't be the person I am without Declan in my life. He has been a gift...a wonderful, sweet, yet heart wrenching gift that I honestly would never trade. This was the only way to have him and this way would I do it again to keep him.

Even still I look at those who grieve around me and think, I can't fix this for them. I can't take the pain away...nor would they want me to. It is apart of life...apart of love. To take the sting away would mean they wouldn't care about that loved one...

So I watch, wait, and hope. Just as I am sure many of you have done with me. But it always helps to have a listening ear...which I will freely give if anyone needs it. I worry I am too caught up in my own pain that I don't look around me enough to see that so many are hurting around me.

To all of you...I am grateful for your prayers, love, and listening. I hope I have or one day will returned the favor.

Sadness...

2011-06-13T17:28:00.000-07:00

This was the sky over Declan's grave after it hailed and rained on us

As a kid I always felt I had lived a rather easy life. I remember as a teenager thinking, when I met a couple at church that had lost their little boy, that I had not experienced anything that hard and was worried when I would. Many years passed and still nothing that was that devastating...

In the last year my sisters and parents have been hit with huge bombshells...each pounding at us leaving a huge mark where it landed. I have ducked for cover so many times that I am hesitant to stand up knowing that any day now another will hit...my grandpa is dying.

Our little "bomb shelter" isn't holding as well as I would like. The bombs are penetrating easily. Now I'm feeling as though the pieces left of my heart are very fragile and I am trying desperately to tape them together...praying the tape holds.

Through all this sadness...I have realized one thing...I won't survive without prayer.

I got home and felt like I really was about to lose my mind. The next day I was feeling somewhat better and I noticed...all the time I was gone I had neglected to kneel down and say a prayer.

Though my heart is broken and I'm unsure what to think at this point...I do have peace to know that somehow everything is as it should be...and life will be enjoyable soon.

To all the broken hearts out there...you are not alone...we are never alone.

Decorating...

2011-06-12T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am just coming off the crazy roller coaster that was my trip to see family...and Declan's grave. I had a good time decorating for Memorial Day...and then later for every day. I bought him something to hang things on...lanterns and balloons. It was really theraputic.

On Memorial Day Christian and I bought beautiful roses and we had a balloon release with our family. It was amazing. I was starting to think I was healing rather well...

Then the bomb hit that my baby cousin died. I was hurled right back, but this time...I couldn't do anything. I knew the pain, I knew the suffering, but all I could do was small gestures hoping it soothed somewhat. I should know what to do or say...how silly that I'd been through it, but was still baffled at what to say to help.

I think somehow I was in shock. 8 months later and someone else in my family was suffering the way that I was...it was crazy! This wasn't supposed to happen in my family within a year of us.

I never wanted anyone I knew to go through this...but there I was at a funeral for my baby cousin, watching my Uncle and Aunt carry the casket of one of the most precious people in their lives.

I know it wasn't a coincidence that I "happened" to be there or that it happened only 8 months later than Declan. Still I felt useless. Was I even helpful?

All in all I came away with a broken heart. It was already broken, but now has been re-fractured. Had it been a friend I would have been very sad...but this was a sweet uncle that used to tease me and play darts with us. He was always one of my very favorite uncles (don't tell my other uncles that ;)) He always made me feel included, since I was on the younger side of the clump of grand kids that he ended up being close in age to. Not at all the typical "uncle." He was just Kent.

As I left to come home I visited Declan's grave one last time. Emotions ran high as I, for the first time, sobbed over his headstone. I wiped my tear drops away, grabbed the pinwheels that I wanted to keep with me, and then turned and walked away...very slowly.

I watched the blue and green plastic balloons I had hung until I couldn't see them any longer. My mom asked me if I wanted to stay longer, but I knew...I wouldn't ever leave if I did.

Emmy with her brother's pinwheels trying to get them to spin

We added more dirt around and placed the metal piece to hang items on (it even has a bell)

My mom got lanterns for Memorial Day

Declan's Bell

Bryce wiping clean his brother's headstone

Jax (my nephew)

My sister Kae taking pictures for me

Emmy busy at work fixing up Declan's grave

It was hailing on me as I knelt there

His balloons

I brought these flowers from home so he could have a piece of it

Emmy attended to Declan's pinwheels and made sure they were just right

Two of my nephews

It was a rough weekend with a glimmer of hope at the end. Christian, being my rock, helped me to see the hope that still lingered through all this murky sadness. How grateful I am for him.

Where to begin...

2011-06-06T16:20:00.000-07:00

My lungs burned, I couldn't breathe...was I going to make it?...Doubts swirled around me as I tried to see through them...but everything still was hazy.

Tears stung my eyes and I had to place my hand over my mouth to stifle any screams that may escape.

Clutching a blanket...the blanket...that soft reminder that my baby really did reside here for a brief moment. I didn't know if it would be enough this time.

Finally I calmed and sleep came somehow. The morning came as it always does.

I stumbled to the bathroom mirror where my eyes resembled small marshmallows more than eyes. How was I going to pull myself together for my 6 year old's birthday party?

I did.

I pushed through and felt actually good.

I was even laughing as my sister and I picked out party decorations with my mom. Her cell phone rang...I was showing Karrey something. Then I heard the words I had been dreading...

My uncle, who is more the age of a cousin, being only two years older than my sister, had his first baby last Tuesday...he was three months early. He was breathing...his heart was beating...I hoped. Not again...please not again...

Saturday, he passed after sharing time with his sweet parents. He fought hard, but it was just too much for a sweet tiny body to endure.

I threw whatever was in my hand back into the shelf and burst into tears. Not again!!! Two babies in my family in 8 months! What was going on?! The world seemed upside down. I had just been mourning my sweet boy the night before...now my uncle and his wife were mourning theirs.

My heart breaks for them...saying goodbye just as hello was said.

I decorated Declan's grave twice since I have been here. I was able on Memorial day to visit Christian's grandparents' graves. It has been an emotional few weeks.

Embarrassed...

2011-06-05T22:05:00.000-07:00

I have been quiet for several days...even weeks.

The reason?

I'm embarrassed.

I'm even hesitant to mention it, but apparently I'm much more open here than I had anticipated.

I felt I had patted myself on the back for this blog. I felt stupid after...so I had a hard time writing here. It has been rough since this is the place that I have come for healing.

So if that is the way it came across two weeks ago...I'm sorry.

Declan...

2011-05-21T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have been grateful Declan isn't a very popular name. The likelihood of actually running into a little Declan isn't much. However, Hollywood certainly likes his name. I watched two movies lately with the name. Last night I was watching a movie, that I really didn't like, and I was just laying in bed watching the movie when a character was introduced as, "Declan."

My heart stopped beating momentarily, I swear, and I felt sick. It was a really crappy character. My heart hurt...I hate when his name is used for moronic people on TV.

I was grateful the character wasn't in the movie long.

I was also in the library last Saturday and stood scanning the audio books. My eyes stopped on "Declan." I stared at the word for longer than I should have. Finally I picked it up to investigate it. It was about a movie director, "Declan." It was about Northern Ireland and Ireland's "issues."

Since the name is Irish, I am grateful I don't live in Ireland or I might hear it more often than I would like.

I was doing really good today, but then my heart started hurting pretty bad. I am struggling to recover my mood. I'm sitting here listening to Mindy Gledhill's "Anchor" CD. I quite like it. It makes me feel a little better.

At least my sad mood helped me clean my house. :) It needed it desperately.

Maybe...

2011-05-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

After a three year old tantrum I am calmly sitting here typing this...what was the cause of my tantrum?

Eggs.

Yes, I said eggs.

Christian used up the last of the eggs and I felt the need to get after him for it.

Is that necessary?

Absolutely not.

I am quite honestly tired of my stupid frustrations.

As I was throwing my fit I knew I was being ridiculous...and now here I sit feeling stupid and wishing I would calm down and stop being so crabby to everyone in my house.

Take a breath...

...relax. (Is that possible?)

Hopefully.

Deep down I feel that I am on the brink of calm.

I need to step back, breathe, and hope for the future. There's so much to be grateful for...

My sister text me the other day asking how I was. I explained that my week had been horrible and hopefully the next would be nicer to me. She told me that if the week wasn't good she would beat it up...it made me smile. So far she might have to get out her fists, it hasn't been that great...but I'm hopeful...

...today is a new day. It has the potential to being a wonderful day. The clouds in the sky are greatly improving my mood, yes I realize this is ridiculous, but I'm not ready for super hot weather!

Mother's Day...

2011-05-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

My family decorated Declan's grave for Mother's Day. It was more than I expected. My sister took pictures and sent them today. It touched my heart.

My dad picked out the pinwheel and I love it! The little statue is so sweet...it brings me almost to tears, I love it also!

I needed this, it's been a rough week. I am excited to see it in person soon.

Thanks for all you do!

Better understanding than I...

2011-05-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

My great grandparents

I just watched a show about wives of WWII soldiers. I almost bawled as one woman talked about the pain of losing her husband. They had a child together before he was killed.

Sometimes I look at the WWII generation and think about how much they endured...and how it impacted their lives. They spoke of small weddings and having a hard time putting a cake together. They talked about all the sacrifices they had to make.

I need reality checks sometimes. It is a good reminder of what we need versus what we want. I feel like that generation understood sacrifice. We claim to understand now since the recession, but I can't say that the sacrifices I have made equate to theirs...especially losing their family members to the war.

As I was explaining to Bryce what WWII was, I told him about my Great Uncle who died. My grandpa was only around 8 when the war began, but his brothers were all much older. Two worked on ships in CA while the third oldest went off to war...he never came back.

My grandpa (very left) with his 3 brothers & 1 sister

My dad was named after this brother and because of this I have often thought about his sacrifice for that war.

Bryce and I had a wonderful talk about my great uncle Bob. As we talked I thought about my grandpa joining his brother...in my mind I have etched the beautiful black and white picture of the two of them smiling as Bob held my grandpa. (I don't have a copy or I'd post it)

I feel like I have been spoiled most of my life. I always had what I needed and even a lot of time what I wanted. My sacrifices have been minimal in the grand scheme of things. As my heart hurts for the people of Japan and those who have lost their homes in our own country due to tornado...I know I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, clean clothes, and a pantry full of food. I can't imagine the heartache of my entire house being ripped out from over me...literally. My pictures, journals, books, Declan's belongings, and my wedding dress all just gone in an instant. It would be devastating...even more devastating would be one of my loved ones gone in a flash. I've already had that happen once, I would rather not have that repeated. But I can't imagine some natural disaster coming and taking one or both of my children here with me. Stuff is hard to lose, but people...

...irreplaceable.

I have learned this especially as people have told me that I can have more children...as if it erases the loss of Declan. No one can take the place of the little bean that I treasured inside me, longed for, and was torn from me so quickly I couldn't even believe.

However hard it has been though, my heart hurts for those who lose their families members; whether one or all. So many are touched with tragedy...it comes in so many forms and different times, but it comes to all. No one can get through this life without getting their heart fractured...that's why we are here...to learn...grow...and become much more than we could on our own.

That being said, it still hurts. As I heard lately from one of our leaders of our church, "To take the sorrow out of death would be taking love out of life." I am grateful for my children. I pray every night thanking Heavenly Father for Declan and my other children. Though it hurts, I would want him regardless the pain it has cost me. I wouldn't choose anyone else if meant they would be here. Declan is etched in my heart and I am grateful. I just wish sometimes my pain didn't cripple me from enjoying the two sweethearts I have laughing behind me on the couch.

To those who are in their suffering season now...I'm so sorry! I know it's hard. May we all be surrounded by the love our Heavenly Father.

Party Crasher...

2011-05-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Snuggling in my bed seems to be my favorite activity these days. It is becoming ridiculous. I have been throwing myself too many "pity parties"....party of one.

It's getting old.

I know it's only been 7 months.
I know that it takes time.
I know that this is a process not a singular event.

But I also know that I want to continue living.
As I was telling my friend the other day, "I don't want to just survive, I want to thrive."

Focusing on what I don't have isn't getting me anywhere...just curled up in my bed watching "Tangled" with my kids for the 300th time.

I want my kids to see that through challenges we can rise above and become better. Am I better? Or am I just feeling sorry for myself? I guess a little of both...or more likely a little better and a lot of feeling sorry for myself.

Yesterday I decided to really workout and start healing my poor pulverized body. I think I was a little overzealous...I've been aching really bad since...so that I couldn't run this morning.

Love

2011-05-10T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is a post from CJ. I just wanted to let everybody know how grateful and happy I am to have Christy as my Wife and Eternal Companion. I am not a good writer like Christy is but I want everyone to know that reads this that I am so happy to have Christy.
I think back on the day that we got Married in the Jordan River Temple. I love that memory!!! We have had so many good times together and I would not change anything.

I know this has been a hard time for our Family but it really has brought us closer together. I know that Declan is ours forever and that because of Jesus we will see Him again and be together forever as a Family. I know that Jesus Christ did live on this Earth, was crucified and was Resurrected on the 3rd Day. I have been so blessed to know this and hope that anybody who reads this blog will want to learn more of the Savior and His goodness. One of my favorite Scriptures is in 2 Nephi 31:19 which says-relying wholly upon the merits of Him who is Mighty to Save. I wish I could express in writing how strongly I feel and how much I hope I can influence someone to try this and see if Jesus will work come to their aid if they just ask in Prayer. I know that He will.
I Love Christy so much!!! I Love Bryce I Love Emma and I Love Declan and know that the only way that We as a Family can be saved is to rely upon Christ. Thank You for reading my Post and I hope You can feel the Holy Spirit in Your Heart and be blessed as I have.
I am so grateful that Heavenly Father sent Declan to Me. I hope everyone can feel the Peace and Love I have felt to make it through whatever challenges in life they have been given. I really miss my Son but I know this is Heavenly Father's Will and I want to be Declan's Father through eternity and know that I must press forward with a Steadfastness in Christ striving to do my best. I do come up short every day but I am learning more about the Savior and his Mercy and Love and Long Suffering for those who simply try.
I Love You Chris and I will forever.
CJ

"Please don't give up..."

2011-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

The space between myself and my friends grew with each painful step. My shins felt as though they may snap in half any second.

"Breathe, Christy, just breathe!" I told myself.

The dark frightened me and I just wanted to be home...curled up with my kids. My determination to finish running waned.

In my pocket was a piece of paper...pen scribbles that I was told by my five year old to make me run fast. My birthday present was wrapped within this "magic" paper. I folded it and placed it into my pocket before my run.

As I trailed both my friends, my thoughts went back to Bryce telling me, "It will help you to keep up with Macie's mommy."

I had laughed and told him, "Well good, I definitely need help keeping up with Macie's mommy."

My body screamed in pain at me...why was I even running? Not hours before I had whined to Christian about the point of running had become lost on me. Now I was in agony, for what purpose?

I briefly closed my eyes and said a prayer. I just needed to finish.

The space between Macie's mom and I, was a good distance. We were nearing the end...of pain.

As if I had someone behind me pushing me I was rocketed forward. I had nothing left. I was tired, worn out from a trying and emotional day. The strength was not my own.

I closed the distance and as I rounded the final turn we were within stride of each other. I almost let the tears threatening to burst forth, do so...but somehow choked them down.

When I finished my shins were on fire. But so was my heart. I had finished running. I had felt a little voice from somewhere tell me, "Please don't give up!"

I know it seems simple...just a run. But lately I have struggled with wanting to throw my hands in the air and say, "Enough! I'm done! Please, can I just be done?!"

I know that Declan is on the other side telling me, "Please, don't give up Mom!"

Giving up is easier...living is much, oh so much, harder. If I had just walked, my legs would have been happy, I would have not had to hurt so much, but I would have known I had not gone as far as I knew I could.

In my life, I could just stop trying...just live out the rest of my life in whatever way would be easiest. Pushing everything and everyone away so I don't have to feel...hurt, struggle in public...but then I would look back and know, "I could have gone further, better, stronger."

No regrets...

...that my hope...

...to look back on my life and think, "I may have made mistakes, but I did the best that I knew how...and gave it my whole heart."

My birthday was split into two parts, the great and fun part...then the despair and sad part. Part one was all Christian...part two all me.

My heart hurts...and I wish I could turn off holidays...but that is just ridiculous. I can't stop living...though I sometimes want to just pretend for a while that nothing matters.

My 28th birthday pregnant with Declan

My poor Christian tried so hard to make this special...and he did. But he couldn't remove the ache that surrounded my heart all day. It started yesterday and continued till...well I'll let you know.

I quite dislike when hope evaporates from me. I want to snatch it back, but all that left is just empty hands and a crippled heart.

My life must start again...

...but when is the key.

I had a wonderful talk with my Grandmother yesterday. She having lost a son herself, talked about how hard all the "firsts" are once you've lost someone. This being my "first" Mother's Day and "first" birthday since losing Declan I have to admit it was harder than I thought. I was doing fine Saturday, but Sunday came and kicked me in the stomach and I haven't recouped since.

"They sneak up on you." My sweet Grandma told me.

And they do!!

I'm looking forward to Memorial Day...it's not supposed to be a joyous time to party...so I can reflect and think the way I feel guilty doing on a fun holiday or birthday.

Though I am down I know that I can press forward and listen to the voice in my heart, "Please, don't give up!"

109...

2011-05-09T03:07:00.001-07:00

May 9th...a day that most don't find more than, just another day.

To me...

the day that I was brought into this world.

My birthday has always held a special meaning to me...other than the obvious...it was my Great Grandma's 80th Birthday in 1982. It was Mother's Day...which can be either a mean thing to do to my mom, making her go through pain on Mother's Day, or the best present ever! You choose.

This year if my Great Grandmother were still living would be 109. How fast even the last 9 years have gone. I remember how much I thought of her as I turned 20. She would have been 100 (I know you can do math, but I'm still apparently needing to tell you anyway). She did not make it to that day...I was about 6 or 7 when she left this world. I was living too far away to go to her funeral.

But every birthday I have I think of my Grandmother. She meant so much to me, though we had brief interaction. She was a strong, amazing woman who raised 4 little girls after being widowed. How much that strength has seeped down the generations. How proud I am of her and what she was able to accomplish in her life.

My mom said the day I was born that she disliked driving, but she made the trip to see the little great granddaughter that shared her birthday.

My mom almost made it on her birthday as well...only missing it by 2 days. So May is a very special month to our family.

As my birthday begins, my mind goes back to the day that my sweet Great Grandma came to see me in the hospital. The chubby 11 lbs little red head that had just begun her journey. How blessed that baby would be throughout her life. How watched over and cared for though at times she did not realize.

Today, I am...

my Great Grandmother's Granddaughter who just turned 29...

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Mommy of angels...

2011-05-07T22:51:00.000-07:00

Bryce at 15 months

The precious little blue eyes staring at me...I knew that life was completely altered forever. The little chubby fists that curled around my finger...brought tears to my eyes. Soft breaths that puffed into my neck in the deep night...made my heart grow.

The night that Bryce came into the world was ear shattering as well as earth. My first memories of being a mother were filled with a howling baby who would not be comforted by a stranger. His cries of alarm were bouncing off the barren hospital walls.

My mind focused little on the screams, though the nurses and doctor were chuckling at the set of lungs I had just delivered...my mind focused on my sweet hubby...the newest dad that moment. He hovered over our infant son, trying to calm him as he wailed to be comforted.

When he was finally allowed to be wrapped up his cries were instantly stopped as his body was placed in the safety of his daddy.

My eyes have never beheld such a Heavenly sight. Etched in my brain forever...the day we became a true family.

All the finger pokes, weight gain, and back pain...suddenly evaporated...he was here. I was a mom!

My twenty-three year old brain was very unprepared what that really meant. I knew that selfishness was no longer an option...but how difficult that was to realize in life.

Emmy at 6 months

I was so young, silly, but here I had done something so challenging...brought a little life into the world. I felt I was hand in hand with our Creator as each of my babies developed. It was a breath-taking experience that I will treasure my whole life...long after my baby years are over.

As every mom, I know there are so many ways I need to improve...but I am so grateful for the opportunity. The trust our Heavenly Father has in us to oversee the care of a tiny, sweet life is incredible.

I have frankly, been very scared for this next day for quite some time. Mother's Day...a day to remember our children...especially if you have one that is out of reach. My heart would race just thinking of the day coming. Here it is...and I have to teach in church. When I realized that I was petrified. How am I supposed to stand in front of anyone while my heart is hurting so bad it feels like I might pass out? I know I have been blessed to have to teach...it distracted me. I have had to focus on my lesson...instead of my heart. Luckily this weekend was a good one.

My in-laws came down and have spent the time with us. My father-in-law is an amazing man...which is no wonder with the incredible son I was able to marry. He spoils his daughter-in-laws...which means so much to me. What a sweet man he is!

I had a double portion of worry...my birthday is the day after Mother's Day. I wondered how that was going to work out...but so far I'm not sure it will be as bad as I anticipated. I love my birthday...but this year my longing for Declan has made me unsure whether that day will be as wonderful as I wish.

This is my last year in my twenties. I have to say with everything that has happened in my twenties I have bittersweet feelings about saying goodbye. I sometimes think, "Yes, they are finally over!" My twenties, forgive me, punched a huge hole in my heart. So many difficult times and challenges that I would like to put some time between myself and them. On the other hand, so much growth has taken place. I am grateful for my 20s...without them I wouldn't be the person I am today...though I still have a long road ahead of me.

Declan

One more year...then onto the 30s. I'm not as upset to enter my 30s. In many ways I feel like I should be in my 40s. I have aged significantly just even the last 7 months.

Back to my original point...whatever that may be...6 years ago I was anticipating my first baby. I was so unsure if I was up for the challenge. Bryce being a surprise, I had not quite prepared myself for being a mom just then...but it has been a wonderful journey. All of my children have made me better. They teach me so much that I wonder if I am teaching them anything...

To my three sweet angels...thank you! I wouldn't be a mommy without you! I wouldn't be the woman I am without you! I wouldn't understand love the way I do...without you!

Happy Mother's Day to all of you! As my birthday began on Mother's Day...it is a good reminder what a precious gift and job it is to be a mother. Though nothing comes easy...it is well worth the struggles for that angelic face to look up at you and say, "I love you Mommy!"

Name in the sand...

2011-05-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

I had this done so that I can frame it in my house. It is an Australian beach. It warms my soul to see this each time. Click here to see the blog where it was done. Once again I have been touched by an amazing person who reaches out to those who mourn. Thank you!

My healing path...

2011-05-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I was feeling quite down. I went running with my friend Jaime and then took a relaxing shower. When I was finished I wasn't ready to get into bed yet, so I got on my computer and began researching. I have been very interested in family history...probably forever.

I know little sweet older ladies are usually the family historians in their family, but I find it fascinating. But that is not surprising since I was a history major in college.

So off I went into the genealogy world in the internet. I found photos of headstones and articles about my ancestors...it was a fruitful night. I have been in a roadblock for about a year and half...I think I'm starting to chip it away.

Somehow through my grief I have been enjoying family history. I feel the connection so strong between those who have come before me. I don't want their lives to be forgotten. This is especially important since Declan died. I don't want people to forget him. Just like those who came before us, who are the reason for our existence, don't want to be forgotten.

So that's my goal in the next twenty, thirty, however long I have here on earth...to take care to pass along the stories so that no one is forgotten if I can help it.

Someday I hope I can travel to where my family originated and tend to their graves. I want to make sure they are looked after and put something special there. It's important to me.

Last night was my first real breakthrough since I started my family history...let's see where it takes me.

Comfort...

2011-05-02T13:23:00.000-07:00

A handkerchief just a small piece of cloth...nothing extraordinary about them. Even when detailed with embellishments, they hold no substantial monetary value.

They represent so much more than money. The worth...priceless.

I met this amazing woman through her blog For Your Tears she sent me this beautiful handkerchief. When I opened the package I stood and looked at if for quite a while. I have met so many amazing people on my journey.

It was just what I needed after a few very troublesome weeks.

Now...

I'm good. I don't know how long it will last this time...but I'm enjoying every minute of it.

My hope is back, my optimism soaring...and feel that I can once again go through this life enjoying, not just getting through.

These little breaks are heaven sent. I don't think I would survive without them.

I still miss Declan, but the hope of what is to come overshadows any pain....until the pain takes over.

Thank you for the handkerchief...it was a comfort through my tearful nights lately.

My dear friend...

2011-04-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

You have allowed me to vent, cry, and pour out my feelings here. It's been two years since you were created. I never thought you would be where I sorted through my grief.

I have many sleepless nights, like tonight, spend time here to think, ponder, and hope. Each word written on you was a piece of my heart laid out. I never planned on relying on you as much as I have.

My faith and love of my Heavenly Father and Savior are recorded here. My testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is also a resident.

When I began you, I never thought anyone would read you. I was just sending my thoughts into an open world of information...but miraculously people read you. They reach out through you to me...comforting me more than I ever thought possible.

The first picture I posted on this blog (click here to view post)

Thank you dear friend. It has been an amazing two years of learning, refining, and hurting...but all of it brought me here to this moment...and I don't have any regrets.

However silly it is to write to you, I have enjoyed the healing that has taken place here. A reserved girl at heart, it surprised me how much I did share with you...but I have learned not to worry about vulnerability as I used to.

Good night friend...may we have more chats...

Where is fun?

2011-04-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I went to stay with my sister while she was in college. We were being completely idiotic one day as we hung out with Christian and his cousin. I remember Christian asking people who walked by, "Where is fun?!"

Most people just ignored him, a few laughed, but we thought it was hilarious.

Tonight I realized that "fun" is relative...I suppose I already knew that.

My amazingly attractive Christian while we lived in CA

When we were first married Christian and I went to CA to sell pest control. While we were there we stayed in this huge apartment that was virtually empty. All we had were two mattresses on the floor pushed together, a camping chair, a baker's rack, and a TV...that was all.

I was so annoyed that I had a two bedroom, two bath apartment while at home I usually had a tiny 400 square foot apartment.

I digress...

While we were there I remember one Sunday evening we waded up balls of paper and laid beneath our only ceiling fan and threw the paper at it. Sounds stupid and it probably was...but I laughed so hard. It was so fun to just be stupid together.

Tonight I found myself miffed at Christian over a discipline issue. Somehow after we resolved it we grabbed Emmy's bouncy ball that I have confiscated (it is one of those huge ones that is super heavy and has glitter swirling inside) so that we don't break a picture or a tooth. I started to bounce it as we chatted. While I bounced it Christian held out his hand. I passed it to him. Soon we were backing up and moving furniture. Christian was against the front door and I was almost to the back door.

"We are going to break something." I laughed as I sent it zooming toward him.

"I know." He smiled as he caught it and sent it back with even more gusto.

Somehow we didn't break anything...although I did hit my water cup (which was plastic) sending water spilling all over the floor.

As I laughed and enjoyed myself I realized how much I missed being stupid with Christian. We are so caught up in being Mommy and Daddy that we hardly have energy to be fun. I remember that was one thing I loved about Christian...his ability to be entertained easily. Everything is fun to him and exciting. I am bored easily and hardly take time to enjoy life...I'm far to "busy." (Doing what I'm not sure)

Christian's first gluten-free cake from me (not my best work)

I remember Christian's first birthday after we were married. I got him a few items, nothing amazing, but he acted like he just won the lottery. I couldn't believe how easy he was to please.

I, on the other hand, am a pain to shop for and he probably always worries I won't like it. That, in our 8 years of marriage thus far, has never crossed my mind when I give him anything...or plan a date. He just enjoys life. I hope it is contagious as the anniversary years increase.

I think I found "fun" tonight. I have been down a lot lately, but it felt good to laugh...really laugh. I smiled so much that it hurt behind my ears.

Definition of friend...

2011-04-24T01:30:00.000-07:00

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

I suppose I will take his advice...here is what I know...

Friendship is a gift and mercy from God.

The smallest peek into the keyhole of Heaven...are the friendships we form here.

As a teenager and small child I moved a lot...I mean a lot. The longest I ever lived anywhere was four years...and that still is, after 28 years, the longest I have lived in one home.

That made friendships difficult. Leaving behind friends is a heart wrenching experience, but realizing their life went on without you is even worse...almost as if you never existed to them.

Getting elementary and middle school kids to write to you when you are lonely is almost impossible.

I always wanted to find "home."

I remember when I would have a hard day or just feeling blue I would think it myself, "I just want to go home." Sometimes I was in my house at the time. What was home? I had never felt it. I always felt like the "new girl" everywhere I lived...with one brief exception when I lived in Pittsburgh.

As I am reaching my 29th birthday I realized I feel like I found home. I have real friends. The people you don't have to pretend to be happy when you aren't. Those who you can cry with and will hug you no matter if you look like you could really use a shower. People who know you need an ice cream or flowers and show up on your doorstep. People who hear you express your sadness over and over; never tiring and hoping you will just "get over it" soon. The people you feel safe with no matter what.

The first real friend I made (besides family) that I could literally tell anything to was...Christian. I remember blurting things out to him and then being horrified that I had told someone my thoughts...especially a cute guy! I remember how sweet and easy he was to talk to...as if everything I said was captivating (though I know it was absolutely not). I felt my soul leap having someone to confide in and who seem to understand me through my strange and weird, not to mention awkward, tendencies. Most people would look at me dumbfounded and probably were thinking, "Wow, poor, strange girl...this is awk-ward."

I still to this day am mystified that Christian found me the tiniest bit interesting...but how grateful I am that he did.

Those friends I made in Pittsburgh I have carried in my heart all these years. Many of them were at Declan's funeral and as I sat looking around at them my heart was so full to know they still were there for me. I always heard that the friends we make in college are the friends we keep for life. My friends in high school I ended up keeping.

Then I moved to my current residence. Here I have met so many amazing people. Friendships that I always dreamed of forming, but never seemed to be very successful.

I cannot count how many have brought me flowers, dinners, treats, and hugs. Each time my heart fills with gratitude and I know they are an angel sent to me from Heavenly Father.

Today I had a knock on my door and didn't expect it to be anything more than a salesman. I opened my door and there was my sweet friend with the most beautiful tulips I have ever seen. These last weeks have really hurt and I don't know why, but having flowers in my home brightens me darkest days. When I wake in the morning there they are just happy to see me. (I clean my kitchen better so they look pretty on my counter)

It was just what I needed after the longest week ever.

Thank you my dear friend. I am sure you were always sweet to everyone before...but I know Addi has made you even more so.

As I glance over at my tulips tonight I am more certain than ever that Heavenly Father meant for us to love and care for one another...it was his way of lifting our burdens and giving us a way to not just get through life, but also enjoy it.

The ultimate friendship or rather relationship that I have recently tried to cultivate better is with my Savior. He above all understands us. He can literally rescue us from our sorrow and sin. I hope that I can lean on Him as life continues to present its challenges. My life has been completely altered, especially in this life, and I will need His assistance to make it. My family is minus one person...and will till we die. That for obvious reasons is changed everything. Having Declan absent is going to be a lifetime event. Thinking about what he was supposed to be doing, where he was supposed to be, and all that I don't get to see is hard for me to fathom.

But as I told Christian today...I need to focus on the postponement of things not what I am missing out on. I worry that I will wish away my life on what I was robbed of instead of rejoicing about what I have been given. I am so blessed...and so blind to it.

I hope all of you have a sweet and joyful Easter. Happy Birthday to my sweet 30 yr old sister-in-law, Josy! We love you!

May all of us turn toward our Savior this Easter and really ponder the gifts He has given us...me especially. I know that I cannot continue each day without Him.

Thank you for your prayers! I pray for you all! I appreciate you all!

Circles...

2011-04-22T01:31:00.000-07:00

In high school I attended a building that literally made us go in circles. People joked it looked like a space ship. While we passed from class to class our "clever" SBOs thought it would be fantastic to play, "Walk around in circles," every...single...day.

I catch myself feeling that I am walking around in a circle in my life.

Am I heading anywhere?...or do I just keep circling around the block and land myself where I started?

The refiners fire has been piping hot lately. I pray for a cold rush of water, but only get a few drops of lukewarm refreshment.

My mind keeps screaming, "Help!"

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing great. I'm strong.

Am I?

I don't feel like it.

I have to pry myself out of bed each morning. My pillow and blanket are too cozy.

Sleeping is almost impossible. Once I am actually asleep then waking feels impossible.

Just as I feel like I hit rock bottom...the sun shines.

I get a reprieve...and I wonder where the pain went.

Then as I am enjoying what I hope is my climb out of the "pit of despair" I get knocked back inside. I clutch the sides begging anyone to help me not fall.

A pile of laundry, dishes, and clutter are almost so overwhelming I feel like packing it up and shipping it off somewhere...anywhere but here.

I somehow can't keep up. I try. Each day I swear I do dishes and laundry...but somehow it just grows when I am not looking.

I started "Wuthering Heights," by Emily Bronte last night. My absolute favorite book was written by her sister Charlotte, "Jane Eyre." I have never read "Wuthering Heights," and know it is a tragic ending. Maybe this isn't the best time to read something depressing...but I have wanted to read it and get it on my, "I've read list."

I am also reading "War and Peace," by Tolstoy...it is only taken me a year to get hardly anywhere...but again I want to have read it.

Distracting myself with literature isn't working as well as I would like. Running is a great stress relief, but with schedules the way they are it is hard many times to find the time. I know I need to start something else on the side, but my motivational skills are lacking these days.

I am visiting Declan's grave soon and I know that will be nice. I haven't had the opportunity to decorate the grave since we lost him. I am looking forward to that. I am a little jealous of my other angel baby moms that get to decorate for all occasions. I don't regret where we buried him, I just wish I was closer.

I really miss that little boy. Sometimes I swear I might break in half. I love you Declan!!