Voids filled...

Six o'clock came and went...it felt good to actually sleep in.  As I awoke both my kids were in my bed watching a movie.  Snuggling into them I realized how much I missed having the both home.

I didn't realize how lonely I have been with just one child at home.  Emmy is amazing...she keeps my laughing.  But I didn't even notice how much I missed having Bryce home during the day.

Watching them play at the park on Monday made me realize how lucky I am.  I've known it since they were snuggled in my arms as babies...but now that they are growing up time is slipping away.

Being a mom is a huge blessing, but is sometimes overshadowed by tasks.  I tend to stress about silly things instead of looking at the big picture:  they are only small for a brief period.

I ask Emmy every day to stay little.  She has agreed to it, but if only that was not just a wish.  Though she can have terrible tantrums, they are few and far between.  She usually is just a spunky, fun-loving girl that I have the pleasure to hang out with each day...all day.

I look at Bryce and wonder where the baby went that I so distinctly remember having over six years ago.  Then I go to school to pick him up and see that he is still so sweet and little.

Last night I happened to notice the running shirt Christian was wearing.  It isn't unusual for him to wear one to bed, since he has a zillion of them, but this one caught my eye.  Oct. 16th, 2010.  Each time I see 2010 my mind automatically figures where in the process I was with Declan: pregnant, just lost him, funeral, or grief.

I remembered this race.  We had all gotten up early and gone.  Still swirling with the hole punched into my heart, it had been good to do something normal.

That hole will always be there missing Declan, but something I have noticed lately is that the two little sweethearts I get to see each day spill over into the void and have made it not hurt so much.

(We were waiting for Bryce parked in the
car when I took this)

I am so grateful to a loving Heavenly Father who has never forsaken me in my times of need.  He blessed me with three children...all of which have strengthened me and inspired me to strive for more from myself.

I am eternally grateful for a Savior that suffered for all pain, not just sin, so that I could seek for help when I have no where else to turn for relief from heartache.  So many times in my life I needed Him to comfort and uplift me and He has never failed me...even when I have Him.

Breathing underwater...

Disappointment touches us all.  Sometimes I feel that they seem to pile up all at the same time.

Tears fall and arms wrap around myself as I try to find the strength to keep hoping that all this is meant for something.

A piece of me is screaming inside wanting to lash out angrily...nothing feels more justified in the moment seeing the hard work end in merely a slap to the face.

Each glimmer has been snuffed out almost the moment it ignited.

This time I thought that glimmer had been it...the end of an era.  It was now a new chapter.  Not so.  Back to Chapter one.

I feel as though I have been treading water - just staying afloat and then along comes a boat that cascades a wake that shoves me under.  I'm desperately clawing myself back up, but only to be consumed once again.

Haven't my efforts been valiant?  Almost ten years, not enough?

Even as I write this I know the answer...yes it has.  It just isn't over yet.

I know I'm not alone in the water.  Many have been here and are still here...especially lately.

I'm just tired...so tired.  My treading is becoming such a taxing burden.

I loath that it is difficult.  I want to take each set back with grace and ease...somehow that fails me.

In my despair I opened my scriptures and read several verses before my eye and heart caught on this one...

"And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive."
(Alma 7:23)

Even through the disappointments and the pain that consequently plagues me I know that I am not alone.  In the moment I momentarily forget...but He is always there to remind me that my pain, though small to others, isn't to Him.  It matters to Him...because it matters to me and I matter to Him.

If I could calculate the tears shed for this purpose it would fill a small swimming pool.  I added a good amount tonight...but I know it will be okay...even if I don't see how...

Unseen potential...

I stopped running last May.  I just couldn't do it any more.  I was hurting and I was stressing about it so I gave up.  I honestly did not plan on running again.  I just wanted to set that aside for other things.

A couple of days ago I was talking to Christian about a race he wants to run in May, ironically the one that I did the last time I ran.  As he talked I thought a little bit about running the race with my son and pushing my daughter in a stroller...while Christian ran way ahead of us.

After talking to my sister about the race I pulled out my running stroller and plopped my three year old inside.  Placing my earbuds in my ears I began to run again.

The first couple of steps I checked my time frequently.  It's only been 1:39?!  Then something happened...it didn't seem so hard.  I pounded the pavement at a snail's pace, but I was actually running.

I checked my watch:  7 minutes!  I had planned just going 10 just so I didn't get discouraged.

I checked what felt moments later:  11 minutes!

I couldn't believe it.

I checked again not feeling tired:  14 minutes!

My mind was not understanding.  I couldn't run more than 7 minutes when I started running after Declan.  I couldn't run more than 10 minutes after Emmy (and I was in a lot better shape after her).

I focused that I would run 20 mins and lost myself in thought.  I felt I was right back at the beginning.  Declan had just died and I ran to stay sane.

Each step I got more emotional until I realized something...I'm stronger since having Declan than I had realized.

I never had the mental strength to run.  As a teenager I loathed running.  I remember in high school wanting to die each time they told us to run a 20 minute cool down, that is a workout in my eyes!

In college my roommate loved running and I worried about her running alone at night so I went with her and really disliked it every minute.

Then I ran my first 5k in college with Christian...it was embarrassing and miserable.  I walked most of it.

After Declan died I felt that running was the only way I could get outside my crazy head.  I ran and ran and ran feeling the exertion was the only reason I didn't scream my head off every day.

I felt close to Declan as I ran.

I still do.

Yesterday as I ran I felt him close.

As I rounded the corner to my house I looked at my watch: 25 minutes!  I was shocked and very emotional.  Tears streamed down my face as I slowed in front of my house.  I'm not the same Christy that used to dislike running because she would give up before she started.

I felt as though my Heavenly Father was showing me that I am more capable than I give myself credit.

Declan has brought out a strength in me I was unaware of...even now.  I am so grateful to him for that...even though sometimes I wish I could have him instead of the strength.

So I have begun another running journey...who knows how long I might do this one...but I'm excited to see.

L-O-V-E

As I drove to drop off Bryce today I was amazed how quickly yesterday's festivities fade.  The pizza delivery car that had previously sported pink lights and covered in red and pink hearts was back to its usual self.  Little shows of the excitement of the previous day except for a few candy wrappers, sprinkles, and the occasional valentine left on the sidewalk.

How quickly the normal days return.  We all get excited for holidays and when they are over...*sigh*.

Yesterday I started a new tradition, starting from my sister's friend.  I got a cute foam mailbox and had everyone slide their love notes to each other for a few days before V-day.  Last night I make chocolate cupcakes (whole wheat of course) and sat around the table as we cracked open the mailbox.

Every time Emmy received a valentine she gasped, "Oh!  Thank you mommy!  That was sooo sweet of you!"

As I watched my Valentines look at their hearts and notes I had written to them and they had written to each other my eyes fell to the two left...for Declan.

Bryce had decided a few days ago that he wanted to write Declan a valentine.  I hadn't even thought of that myself.  I let him write one.  Then as I was getting out the Valentines I saw in Christian's writing:  I love Declan.  Tears stung my eyes.

I told Bryce we could send Declan's valentines on a balloon...but I haven't done it yet.

It's strange how life seems so normal now.  I don't fall to pieces anymore.  I have long stretches where I don't think about the hole in my heart.  I don't look in my backseat and only see the empty seat...I have two that are full!

I didn't expect this.  I thought I would always feel what I lost override everything I already have.

I decided a few weeks ago that I would focus on the kids I have now.  I would never stop talking of Declan, but it wouldn't consume my life so much that I couldn't function the way I want.

At my baby cousin's funeral I made bracelets for all the kids that read his name and then everyone wanted a Declan one too...like the one that I wore.  I made each of my nephews one and my own kids.  I also made some for my sisters.  My kids didn't like wearing theirs.  I got home and found then all over the house.  I picked them up and kept them feeling a little sad they wouldn't wear them.  The other day I found Bryce's.  I showed it to him and he told me he wanted to wear it to school.

It is worn out now from him wearing it so much.  In an attempt to take off his sweater in the car the bracelet was pulled off and fell under the seat.  Yesterday Emmy exclaimed as she got into the car, "Bryce!  I found your Declan bracelet!"

Bryce smiled, "Oh thank you Emma, I was looking for that."

Today is my grandma's birthday...the first since my grandpa died.  I hope that it is a good day.  Two firsts in two days...a lot for one week.  I know now how hard each first is...something I know I wouldn't if Declan were in my arms at this moment.

May our lives be filled with love each day and celebrate it often.  Hopefully yesterday was a wonderful day...I enjoyed watching one of my favorite movies...

"Oh, it's nobody's fault but my own! I was looking up... it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there.."  (An Affair to Remember)

My heart is with all of you missing your sweetheart or your valentine hasn't met you yet...remember you are loved!

Right where I want to be...

Bedtime is my least favorite part of the day.  Many times I have found myself rushing through as each second ticks off my head screaming, "You're losing time!"

By the time my kids are asleep and I am able to relax for the night I start feeling bad for how crazy bedtime was.

Last night neither of my kids went to bed.  Six, seven, even eight o'clock went by and still no one was asleep.

Typically I lose it.  My frustration gets the best of me and I bark orders to get into bed.

Last night I didn't.

I calmly told them I would see them in the morning.

Did they go to bed?

No.

Finally, Bryce begged to sleep in my bed.  He was struggling to sleep.  Worrying is common for him.  Last night was a bad night in that regard.

Emmy had napped yesterday, so she was wide awake and not wanting her own bed either.

I let Christian off the hook so he could get some sleep.  He found a quiet place away from the craziness.

As I laid in between my kids, they had been unable to stop talking when they were next to each other, I realized that was right where I wanted to be.

Emmy was hiccuping as she nestled right next to my ear.  Every thirty seconds I felt a jolt and then *puff* of air from Emmy's little girl nose.  Then Bryce was curled up on my other side giggling in the other ear every time Emmy hiccuped.

It was ten thirty, insane and I loved every minute of it!!

We went to Lowe's the other day to look at a few things and as we progressed through the store an elderly couple walked by and caught our eye.  They were looking admiringly at Emmy.

Christian and I smiled at them.  They smiled back and replied, "Our daughter had hair just like that."  Referring to the chaotic mess of golden curls on my sweet Emmy.


We chatted for a minute and then went on our way.  A little while later we ran into them again.  Christian struck up another conversation with the woman.  He asked where their daughter was now.  They replied on a mission for our church.

Christian asked for what church and realized they were LDS.  It was cute to listen to their daughters adventures in another country where she was serving.

At the end of the conversation Christian asked if it had gone fast.  She paused for a second and then said, "You know it did.  Enjoy them while they are this little soon she will be off doing her own things and all grown up."

As she left I thought about life once my kids were grown.  I'm sure there will be wonderful times ahead.  But I know I will miss the time they are tiny and discovering the world.

Someday Emmy won't inform me that she did something, "by her big girl self."

How grateful I am for the two of them.  They have been my little light at the end of very difficult days.

I love little reminders from those that have walked our path before us.  This time is precious.  My dad often reminisces of the time when my sisters and I were young.  I can tell those were sweet days for him.

How I wish I could freeze time right here.  I love them both right where they are.  But each new year I love them even more...so maybe it isn't bad that we must go on and grow up.

Pride and prejudice...

Every seven years the cells in our bodies are completely different than the last seven years.  Likewise, every so often I feel I have self awareness years where I throw out the old Christy and try to start fresh and new...well at least the parts of me I don't like.

Like a beautifully decorated home with valuable antiques so to are we.  We collect the beautiful, rid ourselves of the undesirable.

I have taken a hard look in the mirror lately and realized two things:

First, I am a very prideful person.  Second, I have deluded myself into thinking I wasn't.

I suppose people who barely know me would probably think, "What?!"  But it is true...as sad as it is.

It's a hard pill to swallow when you realize something about yourself that isn't that great.  So I took out a huge glass of water and *gulp*.  It's rounding my stomach by now.

I had a friend talk about how she often wondered why people couldn't overcome bad habits that she had...and realized that wasn't the right way to look at other people.  She inspired me.  I need to love everyone and worry less about what they are doing, wearing, and driving.

In church on Sunday I had an epiphany...just because someone wears expensive clothes or lives in an amazing house, doesn't mean that they are doing it to flaunt it.  Who is the wrong one?  Someone who bitterly watches others have much and think they are showing off...or those who have much and aren't even thinking about it?

I suppose I should have understood this much sooner.  I went to a high school many considered snobby.  When people find out what high school I attended they looked at me either shocked that I attended or they look at me with slight disgust.  What did I do?  I was lumped in with the rich kids and people scoffed when I would express that I couldn't afford something.  Little did they know I was very blessed, but as much as they thought.

As I've been married money hasn't be plentiful.  We struggled through school and made some unwise choices that have made money issues...frustrating.  I have often glanced at people with money thinking...ahhh!  Why do they have so much and we have nothing?!  I honestly wasn't asking to be wealthy...just meet our obligations and maybe a little extra for some fun once in a while.

Lately I have realized that one, it's not their fault they were blessed and two, they may not honestly think much about it.

In the lesson I attended the class came to the conclusion that the intent is what makes pride of money or things...not just having it.

Do I dress so that I can look nice and comfortable or to compete with other girls in the room?  Sad to say I have been guilty of that...especially when I felt my looks haven't been up to snuff as I have gained weight.

As a teenager I was super thin.  I had friends that would get frustrated with me that I was thin and would tell me I didn't understand.  I felt horrible.  Now that I'm on the other side of the fence I realized that I feel the same way sometimes.  Watching my trim husband take down a huge plate of pasta that a family of 6 could eat...while I eat much smaller portions and can't budge an inch on my weight can be very annoying!  But it's not his fault.  He runs miles every day and won the genetic lottery when it comes to metabolism.

It was a rude awakening to realize that I was so superficial when I gained weight.  I honestly didn't feel better than anyone before.  I thought many of my friends that claimed they were "fat" were actually very beautiful...but then hypocritically I was angry when I couldn't lose my baby chub.

I suppose all this rambling as left me with one conclusion...that everyone is trying in their own way.  Who are we to decide others intentions?  That is why the Lord is our judge...he knows our hearts.  We do not.  People could do good things for the wrong reasons and the wrong thing with the right reasons...we just never know.

Learning my way...

I really have wondered if all my thoughts have been sucked out of me...I'm blank.

I haven't really known what to blog about lately.  I guess that is a good thing...I'm starting to live again.

I don't need my blog the way I did before...it was one of the only ways I could relieve the pressure building.  Now I am not feeling that push to write at least about my struggles.

I suppose that means I should start writing about happy things...

Hmm...

Maybe I'm just one big drama queen and can't express myself in any other way.

Hope that's not it.

I have been pushing myself a lot more lately to do what I want...not just what gets me by.

I went to the movies last week because my kids and I were feeling blue.  It was a nice change of pace...instead of grabbing ice cream and feeling sorry for myself.

On the way home today the sky was amazing.  I tried to take a picture with my phone but it did not capture the beautiful small rainbow reflecting off a huge gleaming light.

It was a cheerful sight.  Bryce even commented about it.  I thought to myself as I continued home, "That's much better."

It feels good to have a break sometimes.  Grief feels like a full time job...I needed a vacation!

I have really felt the healing start to happen lately as I have tried to find my way.  I'm slow...and really frustrated that I'm not progressing better, but I am getting there.  I am glad for the baby steps...though they are agony sometimes.

All in all, we're doing better.  I actually feel like I can breathe...seriously.  My lungs have felt like a ten pound brick had been placed there...not pleasant.

It's a nice change.

My little sweet-sweet...

As I hugged him his face was contorted trying not to cry.  My heart felt the pain as I hugged him one last time.

Emmy called out to her brother..."Bye Bryce!"

He barely choked out the words, "Bye Emma!"

Honestly, it sounds a little dramatic for just the morning routine for dropping Bryce off for school...but after the holidays it was really hard.

Earlier Bryce had told me that he just wanted to stay with Emma and I.  I really, really dislike making him go when he says that.

As I left my heart was full and I luckily had only slippers on Emmy so I carried her to the car.  She wrapped her arms around my neck and leaned her head close to mine.

"You are the best mommy ever!"  She told me as she usually does.  (Not that it's true, but I do love hearing her say that...it makes my day every time!)

I leaned my head on her curls as I made my way back to my car.  Tears stinging my eyes I said, "I never knew how much I would need you little one."

She hugged me tighter and said, "Thanks Mommy."

I took her to the car and buckled her inside.  I called Christian as he was at work and told him to pray for buddy, he was having a hard time.

I have been so blessed!  Both my kids look so much alike...but are so different.  The one thing they are both good at though...is being in tune with others feelings...especially mine.

Emmy, as my in-laws put it, warms your heart.  She knows just what to say.  Her little 3-year old comments are surprisingly sincere and make a deep impression.  Who knew that I would feel so loved by the way my 3-year old talked to me?  I would like to think it was because of me that she learned that...but sadly it isn't.  She honestly was made that way.  I call her my sweet-sweet...that's only way to describe her.

Bryce is just a deep pool of understanding and love.  He mostly just tells me he loves me, but his timing is amazing.  He too loves to compliment...maybe that's why Emmy does it.  He loves people so much.  He get's frustrated, but overall he has been very patient with such an inexperienced mother...who has the patience of a gnat!  All in all, I am very grateful for my Little Sir...he really has been a little man his whole life.  He's just like his dad...holding the weight of the world on his small shoulders.

Both my kids leave me better than when they find me...most of the time.  I don't know where I would be in this journey without them.

As our little bubble is being stretched, and sometimes I feel broken, my heart tugs on the edges.  Only 2 years before my sweet Emmy goes to school.  I'm not ready to be alone without my kids...but I have come to terms with the fact that maybe Heavenly Father wants me to do something else for a while.  I do have plenty of time to have kids.  As much as I wanted all my kids lumped together...it doesn't always workout that way.  My sisters that are younger than me are almost 7 and 10 years younger.  If there's a four or five year gap that isn't going to be the worst thing ever.

I had made plans that I wanted to be done having kids by the time I was 30.  Why?  No clue.  But as my 30th birthday is only 5 months away...I think it is clear that desire isn't going to happen...once again reminding me that my time isn't the Lord's time...and honestly I'm starting to be okay with that...

Come along way...

A new year has peeked around the corner and made itself known...2012 is here.  I can still remember when I was little, my parents telling me, "You will graduate in 2000."  As I child of the 80s I thought, "Crazy people that's forever away!"

That was 12 years ago!!

Collectively my life is blazing fast.  There are those moments that I remember feeling I was at a standstill.  This last year has pretty much felt that way to me.  I felt I was jogging along, maybe not with the vigor and excitement I should have and someone opened their car door and suddenly I was slamming into the concrete, staring up at the sky thinking, "How did I get here?!"

Nothing is worse than feeling stagnant...at least to me.  I want to live, love, breath fresh air, and feel accomplishment (even if no one knows or cares about it).

That is not how I would describe the last year collectively.

I have spent many nights thinking where I want to go and what I want to become.  I haven't even reached my 30s and all the gusto of life was squished out of me.  I refuse to go down without a fight!

As I thought about the last year and where I want to be next year it occurred to me, maybe when I was being knocked backward I had actually taken more steps forward than I realized.

Maybe, just maybe...I was getting somewhere.

The girl who sobbed in the hospital that awful day...isn't here any longer.  She was calmed, loved, and soothed.

Lately when I feel life is pushing down on me so hard I can't breathe...it is hard to determine if I miss Declan so all things are difficult or if the difficulty of life makes me miss him more.  I am leaning toward the latter.  Though I know that Declan would not make my trials and struggles better, I miss him when my world crumbles around me.

A new year reminds me that new beginnings are always there waiting to present themselves.  These last few months I have been laying the foundation of the goals I want to achieve.  I usually write down a list of things I want each year and then by January 15th I have completely forgotten them.

This year is really different.  It is hard to explain why, but it is.  Maybe it is because it is a childhood dream of mine.  Maybe it is because it means too much to me.  Maybe it even is because Christian is cheering me on.  Or honestly, maybe I have actually lost my mind and I'm crazy now!  Either way, I think I am ready.

I made two goals...some may say two huge and crazy goals.  But I feel like I can do them.  I'll let you know when, not if, I complete them.  :)  I hope you all had a wonderful New Years!  I hope 2012 is your best year yet!  I certainly am hoping for it myself.  :)  I suppose it is all my choosing whether I love it or hate it.

Good luck with your goals as well!!

Happy tears...

I watched this video a couple of times.  Each time I cry.  It is such a simple little video, but it touches my heart.  This is what Christmas does to people and what I love about it...




I love this time of year!